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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Ok, so I've been married for almost 5 years and we've been together for about 8 years. My husband is almost 15 years my senior which isn't really an issue for me. Here's the problem though. I want out of our marriage. He was married before when he was very young and that marriage ended quite badly and he was hurt enough that he essentially ended up in a hospital being treated for depression. Mind you though, he had some mental instability before that. He's been fine for years though. Our marriage has simply reached a point for me that I don't think we can go back. A little back story - I started my own little company in 2004 and about a little less than a year later, he came aboard as my graphic artist. He has been doing mostly restaurant design which he's great at. The problem is, at some point our relationship turned from a marriage to a business partnership/roommates/friends type of situation. Our sex life is nil, not that it was ever fantastic, but over the last couple of years, it's so rare, I can count it on one hand. This is a major problem for me and I've tried to discuss it with him but every discussion that involves our personal feelings whatsoever, turns into an argument. There's more though. He's also a functioning alcoholic which means he gets his work done and whatever but come the evening, it's a six pack later and he's passed out on the couch. Obviously, this also effects our sex life aside from the more obvious problems with this disease. I have also tried to discuss this problem with him but as anyone who has dealt with addiction knows, the discussion also turns into a fight. He went to one AA meeting for me but he decided he's not like those people. We rarely go out because I'm afraid I'll end up embarrassed by the end of the evening by his excessive drinking which has led us to a lack of friends and a very homebody existence. His temper can also be quite violent. He's never hurt me nor do I think he will but when we get into a nasty fight, it's not uncommon for something to end up broken which has given me great concern. He's really not a bad guy. Obviously I've just listed faults. There are good qualities as well. Regardless, we have no communication unless it's work related or something in the news. We can't alk about the way we feel. I just think I need to get out now. We have no children yet and to be honest, I don't think I want him to father my children. I know everyone is going to say I should have thought about this before I got married but at 27 years old, I thought everything was honky Dory. Here's really the question it comes down to - How do I make him understand without hurting him? I know he'll be hurt regardless because I know he does love me but I want to minimize the hurt as much as possible. Also when do I tell him? Things have been rough with him work wise and he's been pretty down about it. He also just had a colon cancer scare. Luckily, it looks like everything is OK but I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him in a time of need. Another problem is our finances are completely tied to each other. I can go live with my folks about 10 minutes away but I'll still have to go to the house to work since that's where my office is. We decided along time ago to keep overhead low and work from home. I'll also have to go there to help pack and get the house ready to sell. This is something we have started because we had talked about moving to a different state. I guess in my head I decided it would be good for the marriage but the reality is, nothing will change. It will just be a different state. I'm just really confused and mainly scared about talking to him and I need advice. I'm worried he'll hurt himself or destroy the house after I leave. I have been in a constant state of anxiety and I get very little sleep. I know this needs to be done before things go much further. Please someone, tell me how to handle this! And no marriage counseling please. I simply need out so I can find myself again. I'm simply not in love with him anymore and I don't want to "save" the marriage. Thank you in advance for any comments.

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