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Controlling boyfriend?
So I'm 20 years old, and have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He just turned 21.

A friend of mine invited me to go to a college church group the other night, but the friend who invited me is a guy that used to like me. So my boyfriend found out about it, and told me not to go, because that guy used to hit on me and things. He said that I shouldn't be doing things that could hurt our relationship. I told him, "It's freakin CHURCH! It's not like I'm going to be making out with that guy, or even carrying on a long conversation!" He still insisted I not go. So whatever. I'd rather just not go then fight about it.

So a girlfriend of mine invited me to go to a dance club tonight, so I brought it up to my boyfriend to talk to him about it, because I thought it might bother him if I went. He ended up asking me not to go, and saying that I shouldn't even CONSIDER doing something that would bug him, like that. So I let it go, and said fine I won't go, because it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

So today he asks me if it's going to be a problem if he goes downtown to the bars tomorrow night with his buddies. I tell him that I had a big night planned for us, but to go ahead if he wants. We've been having a lot of issues, so I thought a date night would be nice. He blew off that idea and decided he's still going to go. He told me I asked too late. This hurt my feelings, because he has been putting his friends and drinking way before me. He just turned 21, so I understand he wants to try out the bars and whatnot, but for some reason it bothers me a little. I don't turn 21 for a month, so I can't go with him and I don't know what bars are really like. I don't know if it bothers me because of my insecurity, or immaturity, or what. But I told him to go ahead to the bar, but that I thought it was ridiculous that he wouldn't allow me to go the club, and I shouldn't even CONSIDER going, but he's allowed to go to bars? So once I said that, he told me to go ahead to the club tonight, and he'll go to the bar tomorrow, but that I'm not allowed to dance with any guys.

I don't think him wanting to go the bar tomorrow bothers me because I don't trust him, but because I'm sad that he would rather spend his night getting drunk, than with me, when we've barely been seeing each other lately. (Plus, he has been getting drunk and been verbally abusive while drunk quite a bit lately) I also think him going to the bar bothers me because it is so new.

I don't ask him not to go, because I don't want to smother him or control him. I'm sure it'll stop bothering me once he's gone quite a bit...I don't know. He acts like I should not be bothered that he wants to go to the bars, which I agree I shouldn't be. But when I bring up that I'm going to be 21 in a month and ask him if it'll be an issue when I go to the bars without him, he acts like it will bother him ALSO! I don't know if he's trying to set a double standard or what is going on...

I know I probably just need to get over the fact that he's going to the bars when he wants, and I shouldn't make a big deal of it, right?

I'm really kinda confused. Is he controlling me? He tells me he doesn't want to control me and keep me locked up, that I should be able to do what I want, and same for him. I agree. Yet, he only is saying I can go to the club tonight, that way he can go the bar tomorrow.

Please let me hear some thoughts on this!





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