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Nevermind. He called at 2 am to break up with me. I sent him an e-mail at 11.40 pm in which I told him that I was really concerned about the communication troubles that we were having. I apologized for being short with him earlier (he was on some really strange manic phase and it was making me anxious). I told him that my therapist said that we could come in together and talk with her. I told him that I would go to an Al-Anon meeting and asked if he could point me in the right direction. I told him that I thought our relationship was worth working on and pursuing and that I hoped he felt the same. He called me up to say that he was furious at me for sending the e-mail and that when we parted ways earlier, he really just wanted space but that this e-mail threw him over the edge. He was mad that I was keeping him up because of his anger. I have work tomorrow, he doesn't. I said when should I pick up my stuff at your house? He said, "I'm off tomorrow, you can come after work." I said, "no, I want to come now so that you can have all the space you want." I told him that he broke my heart and he replied that he never owned my heart. He said that I had things I needed to work on and he couldn't handle my anxiety. He said to me over and over "just let it go" the more things that I said. When I got to his house I got the stuff quickly into my car. I said to him before I left that I was sorry for any grief I had caused him, that it was never my intent to hurt him. He kept saying, "let it go" and I explained to him that my impulse to send that e-mail (which was all well-meaning) was the same kind of impulse that he has felt all these times in which he had to talk right then and there about some deep issues that we were facing (i.e. whenever he felt like anything was bothering him, we had to stop and talk it out right then and there otherwise he wasn't going to be well about "us"). So I tried to explain to him that my e-mailing wasn't me trying to encroach further upon his space but it was my impulse to make things well between us. He just kept saying "let it go" -- I don't think he understood or heard what I was saying. I said to him that he should have let me know that he needed space and then I got in my car and left.

I don't think I am going to be able to go into work tomorrow. I'm shaking right now. I can't believe I let myself get so emotionally invested in someone so quickly. He told me he loved me. I really thought that he and I had potential for a relationship that lasted. He told me over and over how he has never connected with anyone the way he has connected with me and he loves that it was on so many levels.

The other sickening, sad thing is that I guess I am out of the two bands that I was in...I'm not sure I could find a cooler, more accepting, nicer group of people to play music with. I guess it was silly for me to get so excited over the music the way I did. He said it shouldn't affect my relationship with these other people but how in the world am I supposed to go to practice now? This whole playing music thing for me has been the single most, happiest thing I have had happen to me in many, many years. And now it is gone. He did break my heart on so many levels. I don't know if I can show up and play music now with them -- I'm bass, he's drum. Those two instruments work as a "unit" in a band.

I'm worried too that he's going to change his mind. I guess as much as I want to be in a relationship with him, I don't want this kind of drama and constant grief. I have been behaving differently but it is he who made me behave differently. I was reacting to him and his strange behavior. I wish I hadn't have gone around and told everyone about him and how much I felt for him. I feel like an idiot. I will use this opportunity to take care of myself. I need to exercise more and get in shape, eat better, etc. I guess I will try and pour my energies into learning more about meditation and other helpful therapies. I really wish things didn't have to end with him so angry with me. I wish I had seen the writing on the wall long ago and tiered it down to 'friends only' so that I didn't lose a good friend as well as a lover (and bandmate at that). I am crushed :(





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