It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Things with “shy guy” drummer have been going well since our talk on Thursday and discussing fairly meaty things in terms of how to relate, how to communicate, how not to speak out in anger, etc. This weekend was nice; we had band practice on Friday and later that evening a quiet evening alone just being cute together. Saturday was a bit stressful loading up equipment for gig, driving 3 hours north, checking into hotel, enduring an 80 degree coffeehouse where we played till late (which went well). Then Sunday we spent time at the National Gallery and went to have Ethiopian food for dinner. All around, it was a nice weekend.

During our rough period, the time in which things were really uncertain and stressful, he mentioned something to me about going camping in mid-August. It was a “oh, I’m going to this commune camping weekend thing.” He didn’t ask me at the time if I wanted to go. He didn’t give me any details. I didn’t ask. At that point in time, I was probably acting a bit too aloof and I think I just said, “oh, cool” and left it at that.

Yesterday he mentions it again. This time he mentions meeting someone there. And each time he mentions this someone he uses the term “person”. So I say, “Is this person a female?” And he says “yeah, she’s someone I met at [such and such] farm in Connecticut” (it was either a substance abuse place or possibly a Zen meditation place, I am not sure which).

So I feel just terrible and I say, “oh, well you didn’t mention any of this.” He said he was sure that he had. Then he made sure to say that he made the decision to go when we were having our “rough patch.” He thought it would be good for him. I told him that when he told me that he was meeting a female that literally “my heart sank”. He replies, “look, I’m not going to get into an argument “and I decided I was not going to press it. But all of a sudden I felt really disconnected from him. I was pretty hurt. It made the ride back really awkward. I just stayed quiet.

Then, he does try to bring it up again and I had been biting my tongue for a couple of hours, so as soon as he uttered anything, my mouth just opened and all these words flew out (my feelings). He got angry at me for interrupting him and not letting him say anything. I don’t know, perhaps he was going to say that he would re-consider going since he learned my feelings, maybe he wanted to apologize for being so abrupt earlier, who knows? But then he didn’t want to talk about it again. I stayed quiet and when we switched off driving I took a nap and later when I woke up, he reached out to hold my hand and I put my head on his shoulder because I do NOT want to have an argument or a rift.

But, I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know if he will bring it up again or what. But I did say to him initially when it was in the heat of the moment, “would you like it if I told you I was going to meet some guy for a camping trip?” and he said, “Probably not”.

Ugh, I have no idea who she is or what their relationship is or anything but yet I feel like this is not the right thing for him to do, especially on the heels of our “rough patch” and with him knowing that it made my “heart sank.” It seems to me that it is a fairly volatile time in our fledgling relationship especially in light of recent events. Maybe he was going to say that he changed his mind when I interrupted him? Maybe he will bring it up again now that we've had time to sleep on it? I don't know if I'm being hyper-sensitive or not.
I'd bring it up again. Tell him you're sorry for interrupting him when he was trying to talk to you about it and tell him you'd like to listen to what he was planning to say. Then when he's done, you can give him your feelings and thoughts. If he says he's still going, explain to him how you feel, honestly. If he says he's not going then let him know that you appreciate his sensitivity to your feelings. If he invites you along, go!

Let us know how it goes, hoping for the best!
When my bf went camping without me the weekend after he helped me move into my new townhouse, he apparently cheated with some random girl he met out there. First of all, I wasn't invited, and second of all, I didn't find out about the incident until a month after we broke up! So.... I mean, maybe it's my past experience that has jaded me, but I won't ever trust a guy who doesn't invite me to go camping with him, and furthermore if he's meeting some girl and you know about it already well.... I just don't like the sound of that.

This guy sounds really weird, Mouse. I mean he seems like a really fairweather kind of guy. I'm not sure how stable he is or whether it's worth it to pursue anything because he seems to be the one who isn't able to communicate, which is why I find it so laughable that he would keep harassing you about having that problem. There's just something about this whole situation that is causing my spidey sense to tingle and I just don't like it. I think you should keep your guard up. As much as it sucks to have to do that, that's what my sixth sense is telling me, being an objective observer.
no mouse you're not being hyper-sensitive......I don't blame you
I don't like the sounds of this.......
I'd tell him in no uncertain terms, how I felt....
i'd say, after writing that letter, pouring out your feelings, trying to work on communicating, etc.....and now you're going camping with some GIRL ?
what does that say about us or what we have?
and like you said, you asked him if he's like it if you did it and he said probably not....
no mouse, you're not sensitive at all.....this doesn't sit right.....
set him straight
I totally agree with rosequartz. He is being insensitive to your needs and that breaks trust. Even if this girl is 'just a friend', it is still not appropriate to leave you out. I would definitely stand your ground and be strong. Do not back down. He may try and make you feel like it is your fault or that you are over-reacting, but I assure you that you are NOT! I think you have been rather nice considering the circumstances :)
I think you've already put up with enough, you've compromised enough, I don't think you should have to compromise on this girl. So, if he's not willing to either have you go along or for him to not see the girl, then I think you should kick him to the curb. That's just my opinion.

I'm telling you, something about this guy doesn't feel right to me. I don't like the situation and I don't like the direction it's heading.
The update:

He and I go to watch some friends of his play in a band out of town last evening which was an hour drive up and back. Maybe five minutes into the drive up he says something along the lines of, "I guess I've been wondering about how to bring up our discussion again" and I said, "well I think you just did -- go on." I let him speak for a good 10 or more minutes straight and finally he realized I wasn't responding and said, "are you going to say anything?" and I said, "well, y'know, I interrupted you last time, I just wanted to make sure you said everything you wanted me to hear."

Basically, he said, that he would absolutely not go if it were going to anger or upset me. He said that he would prefer that I did go actually and has invited me to go. He assured me that this "person" he knew from an addictions recovery camp was among a group of people that he considered friends and never had any romantic inclination towards her. He said that she contacted him because the camp was in Virginia and she said that she was thinking about going and that she would have to take the bus into Richmond and wondered if he was going and, if so, would he pick her up from the bus station and then ride out to the country together.

I said to him that I was upset because of the vagueness of when he brought this up in the first and second instances. He said that he wasn't really conscious of the fact but he must have sub-consciously felt like the should be sensitive to how I might feel. He could totally understand that it sounded a bit untoward but he was adamant that the main reason he wanted to go was to meet like-minded people (this is a conscious-building 3-day workshop at a commune). He has had a lot of troubles with social skills since his 20s were pretty much a drug-addicted blur and now he is learning how to communicate with people and he thought this was something that he could do that was positive and something he could do on his own without having to burden anyone else for a ride or for money for the retreat.

I do believe him. I told him I still was a bit upset nonetheless. I also told him that I'm not sure if I want to go and/or if I want him to go but I was appreciative that he would consider my feelings above his own desire to go. He said it isn't about "her" as much as it is about going to something like that and having someone to go with and he was glad to have a contact from his old camp that was actually still doing well in recovery. He said he would much rather spend the time with me in either case (that is, if he goes, or if doesn't go).

So, basically the whole thing has been left up to me. On the one hand, I don't want to be someone who says, "I don't want you to go" but on the other hand, I do know that we are still at a really vulnerable place in our relationship because of the rocky stops and starts. I have to say that I am not much of a camper. I don't really think sleeping in a tent in humid, hot Virginia for two nights sounds the least bit enticing to me (maybe in autumn, but not mid-August). Also, I don't know much about the commune and I'm not sure I can take 3 days of some potentially hippy-dippy group (even if I do have some "hippy" tendencies myself). I even joked with him saying how I'm afraid he will go and come back and tell me he wants to live in a commune and he said, "uh, no way!"

So...what do I do? I don't [I]really[/I] want to go, I know he does. I trust him. I want the best for him and for him to feel empowered by being able to take something like this on (and that may sound weird but you have to consider he's really only re-piecing his life back together after only a year and half of sobriety). It would be good for me to have an entire weekend on my own as well. I could take that time to nurture my other inter-personal relationships (mainly with my sisters but also some friends I feel like I have been neglecting for too long). Maybe the trip would be good for us both but for different reasons. Maybe me "letting" him go will prove to him that I trust him and that will make things even stronger in the long run.

I'm still un-decided but I thank everyone for listening to my play-by-play relationship and its uphill stops and starts! And, as always, would love to hear feedback of any kind! :)
Well, it's good news that you guys talked about it and straightened a few things out. If it were me, I'd go. Being in a relationship means sometimes doing things that wouldn't be on the top of your list but making the best of it and having new experiences and trying to enjoy the adventure of it because it's what your partner wants to do. Plus, if you don't go and make him not go, guilt and resentment can settle in, and if you don't go and he does go, you'l always wonder what happened. My two cents is go and try to have a good time, enjoy meeting new people and be open to new experiences. If you hate it, you don't have to go again, but at least you can say you gave it a try for him.

Now, I think the two of you are still kind of tip toeing around each other. You can't be afraid to fight or afraid to voice your opinion in a relationship. Next time something like this comes up, wait, take a breath, find out the whole story, stay calm, and then do what is in YOUR best interest.
mouse I know you're scared of "what-if's" and honestly I would be too, but I think as hard as it will be you should "let" him go......don't just let him go, encourage him to go and enjoy himself.
I believe holding him back will have a negative impact on your future relationship.
:angel:
I, too, think you should tough it out and just go with him. It's only 2 nights, it will go by quickly, and it may give you a whole new insight into him and why he is who he is. I bet if, sometime down the road, you want to attend an antiques convention, or a doll convention, he will remember this and will make an effort to be there with you. Now, I have no idea if you like antiques or dolls, this was just me trying to find something guys don't generally want to do, but many of the accompany their wives or lady friends just because it won't kill them, and it makes her happy.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:49 PM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!