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So, he was so miserable EIGHT YEARS AGO that he took a second job just to get away from his wife, then he started sleeping with you for eight months, and you're both calling her needy and clingy because she complains that he's never home???? Uhmmmm, if my husband worked 40 plus hours during the week, worked a part time job over the weekend, and spent all his spare time elsewhere, I'd be complaining pretty loudly, too, so I have to say right there, you don't sound like you're being very fair to her, or seeing this situation really really clearly. Also keep in mind that every minute he has spent running away from his wife, he has also been running away from his daughters. He hasn't been honest with his wife. You didn't tell us anything that indicates that he has told her truly how unhappy he is with her, that he would likely leave her if she didn't get more of a life of her own, etc. He just gently suggested she do this or that, and when she didn't, he ran away and drowned himself in work and you. I'm also concerned that you two used an oceanside cliff for your first several trists. High, airy, heady, dangerous, exhilerating, which no doubt hightened the romantic thing and gave a false sense of excitement and exhileration to what the two of you were starting.

Since his daughters are adults, there's no rational fear that they will be scarred in their development, since they are already developed, so his "fear" of what they will think won't end when they grow up, since they ARE grown up, so actually, he cas use this excuse for the rest of his life. But it seems to me that if he really were all that concerned about his daughters, he wouldn't have been running from them and cheating them out of a fully present, happy father for the last eight years, which is what he has done in favor of being so gutless and drowning himself in work instead of dealing with his problems head on. Seems to me his daughters will be resentful no matter what he does now, because they spent the last eight years of their life with a father that spent all his time working and trying to just get away from their mother. So I dont' think the fear of their resentment is a real valid one. It's unfortunate that he added you to the mix before he got all this straightened out because now the girls CAN blame you for it all, when it's not really your fault, but now it will look like it is. The thing is, he keeps waiting, like somehow time will miraculously fix this whole mess. But time won't fix anything. Time will only add to the severity of the issue. If he thinks his daughters will be resentful NOW, think how much MORE resentful they will be if he leaves his mother when she's 45 instead of 40, and 5 years older, 5 years farther away from the dating pool, 5 years harder to find someone else to grow old with, 5 more years wasted with a man who has been secretly resenting her all this time, 5 more years worth of lies and deception. And if I were them and my dad were going to leave my mom, I'd RATHER he do it when I'm 18 and just starting out in life and can incorporate it into my future picture, rather than when I'm 24 and getting married and thinking about having kids and picturing my dad walking me down the aisle and my mom in the front row, and bringing my babies over to grandma and grandpa's house, etc. and waiting until THEN to drop the bomb that all that stuff isn't going to be happening and I'm going to have to suddenly rearrange my picture. The longer he waits, the harder it will be on everyone. But since he's not stupid, something tells me he already knows that, which means, he probably will never leave. And why should he when not leaving hasn't cost him anything so far? He gets to avoid the mess of a divorce, gets to have her there dealing with the kids and the house, and gets to sleep with you as well. Hey, what a bargain!!! I wouldn't want to mess with that, either, if I were him.

I really wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this guy. He may be your soul mate, but he doesn't have the cajones to stand up for the two of you. People divorce all the time. A famous country singer was married when he fell in love with his soul mate and for 18 years they did the "we're just good friends" thing, yet I think they both knew deep down they were in love with each other. He had three daughters, and stayed for them, and it took 18 years, but he did finally end it with his wife. Unfortunately it wasn't until his wife was 45, a frumpy dumpy middle aged divorcee with three kids' worth of baggage, and the best she can do in the dating pool now is some psycho gardener who kidnaps her at knifepoint, and he has the nerve to wish her well and hope she finds love. Tsk. But although he did want to make sure his kids would be alright with it, he didn't use them as an excuse. They were all teens still, not adults yet, when he ended his marriage and started outright dating his soul mate, whom he married a year or so later. He did ask his daughters' and his ex wife's permission to propose to his soul mate, but he did tell them that she was who he loved and wanted to be with. It tok him a while, too long, to decide to go after what he really wanted, but once he did decide, he was high minded about it. But, I don't really see your guy being there yet, though for you it's only been 8 months, not 18 years, the 26 years you guys have spent maybe thinking about each other but not really being in each other's lives notwithstanding.

Anyway, to bottom line it, I don't think you can or should push him to make a move or to end things with his wife, and I can understand why you may not be able to bring yourself to say "well, I can't wait, see ya." So at this point, I'm not sure what else you can do but ride it out and go with the way things are for now. If it were me, well, I really can't see myself sleeping with a married man. My first love is married now too, and I never got over him, never even met anyone else despite pretty relentless searching for someone else to date or even just hang out with. I've often fantasized about what I would do if he came back into my life. The chemistry was always undeniable between us as well, but I know I would not sleep with him while he were still married. I simply decided long ago that I just am not willing to be any man's dirty little secret, and as hard as that sounds to keep to sometimes, I know in my heart that that's just who I am, that's who I want to be, and it's who I've chosen to be. Of course that mindset has never really been challenged, so I have no real idea how steadfast I would be if it were, so I don't mean to judge. I just get the feeling that things have the strong potential of staying the way they are indefinitely. I don't think there really is anything short of leaving that you can do to move things along. If I were you, though, I would strongly consider staying friends but stopping the sex until and unless he gets off the pot. Not as a manipulation or as a tactic, but just to take sex off the table and uncomplicate things for now. Good luck.





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