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Relationship Health Message Board


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So, he was so miserable EIGHT YEARS AGO that he took a second job just to get away from his wife, then he started sleeping with you for eight months, and you're both calling her needy and clingy because she complains that he's never home???? Uhmmmm, if my husband worked 40 plus hours during the week, worked a part time job over the weekend, and spent all his spare time elsewhere, I'd be complaining pretty loudly, too, so I have to say right there, you don't sound like you're being very fair to her, or seeing this situation really really clearly. Also keep in mind that every minute he has spent running away from his wife, he has also been running away from his daughters. He hasn't been honest with his wife. You didn't tell us anything that indicates that he has told her truly how unhappy he is with her, that he would likely leave her if she didn't get more of a life of her own, etc. He just gently suggested she do this or that, and when she didn't, he ran away and drowned himself in work and you. I'm also concerned that you two used an oceanside cliff for your first several trists. High, airy, heady, dangerous, exhilerating, which no doubt hightened the romantic thing and gave a false sense of excitement and exhileration to what the two of you were starting.

Since his daughters are adults, there's no rational fear that they will be scarred in their development, since they are already developed, so his "fear" of what they will think won't end when they grow up, since they ARE grown up, so actually, he cas use this excuse for the rest of his life. But it seems to me that if he really were all that concerned about his daughters, he wouldn't have been running from them and cheating them out of a fully present, happy father for the last eight years, which is what he has done in favor of being so gutless and drowning himself in work instead of dealing with his problems head on. Seems to me his daughters will be resentful no matter what he does now, because they spent the last eight years of their life with a father that spent all his time working and trying to just get away from their mother. So I dont' think the fear of their resentment is a real valid one. It's unfortunate that he added you to the mix before he got all this straightened out because now the girls CAN blame you for it all, when it's not really your fault, but now it will look like it is. The thing is, he keeps waiting, like somehow time will miraculously fix this whole mess. But time won't fix anything. Time will only add to the severity of the issue. If he thinks his daughters will be resentful NOW, think how much MORE resentful they will be if he leaves his mother when she's 45 instead of 40, and 5 years older, 5 years farther away from the dating pool, 5 years harder to find someone else to grow old with, 5 more years wasted with a man who has been secretly resenting her all this time, 5 more years worth of lies and deception. And if I were them and my dad were going to leave my mom, I'd RATHER he do it when I'm 18 and just starting out in life and can incorporate it into my future picture, rather than when I'm 24 and getting married and thinking about having kids and picturing my dad walking me down the aisle and my mom in the front row, and bringing my babies over to grandma and grandpa's house, etc. and waiting until THEN to drop the bomb that all that stuff isn't going to be happening and I'm going to have to suddenly rearrange my picture. The longer he waits, the harder it will be on everyone. But since he's not stupid, something tells me he already knows that, which means, he probably will never leave. And why should he when not leaving hasn't cost him anything so far? He gets to avoid the mess of a divorce, gets to have her there dealing with the kids and the house, and gets to sleep with you as well. Hey, what a bargain!!! I wouldn't want to mess with that, either, if I were him.

I really wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this guy. He may be your soul mate, but he doesn't have the cajones to stand up for the two of you. People divorce all the time. A famous country singer was married when he fell in love with his soul mate and for 18 years they did the "we're just good friends" thing, yet I think they both knew deep down they were in love with each other. He had three daughters, and stayed for them, and it took 18 years, but he did finally end it with his wife. Unfortunately it wasn't until his wife was 45, a frumpy dumpy middle aged divorcee with three kids' worth of baggage, and the best she can do in the dating pool now is some psycho gardener who kidnaps her at knifepoint, and he has the nerve to wish her well and hope she finds love. Tsk. But although he did want to make sure his kids would be alright with it, he didn't use them as an excuse. They were all teens still, not adults yet, when he ended his marriage and started outright dating his soul mate, whom he married a year or so later. He did ask his daughters' and his ex wife's permission to propose to his soul mate, but he did tell them that she was who he loved and wanted to be with. It tok him a while, too long, to decide to go after what he really wanted, but once he did decide, he was high minded about it. But, I don't really see your guy being there yet, though for you it's only been 8 months, not 18 years, the 26 years you guys have spent maybe thinking about each other but not really being in each other's lives notwithstanding.

Anyway, to bottom line it, I don't think you can or should push him to make a move or to end things with his wife, and I can understand why you may not be able to bring yourself to say "well, I can't wait, see ya." So at this point, I'm not sure what else you can do but ride it out and go with the way things are for now. If it were me, well, I really can't see myself sleeping with a married man. My first love is married now too, and I never got over him, never even met anyone else despite pretty relentless searching for someone else to date or even just hang out with. I've often fantasized about what I would do if he came back into my life. The chemistry was always undeniable between us as well, but I know I would not sleep with him while he were still married. I simply decided long ago that I just am not willing to be any man's dirty little secret, and as hard as that sounds to keep to sometimes, I know in my heart that that's just who I am, that's who I want to be, and it's who I've chosen to be. Of course that mindset has never really been challenged, so I have no real idea how steadfast I would be if it were, so I don't mean to judge. I just get the feeling that things have the strong potential of staying the way they are indefinitely. I don't think there really is anything short of leaving that you can do to move things along. If I were you, though, I would strongly consider staying friends but stopping the sex until and unless he gets off the pot. Not as a manipulation or as a tactic, but just to take sex off the table and uncomplicate things for now. Good luck.
I know it all sounds the same - the lines trotted out etc, the statement that he has never cheated before - and I don't have any proof, except his demeanor, his body language and his eyes all tell me that he is not lying.

Couple this with his actions and words, and I know in my head and heart that he is speaking the truth:

Some old emails he has sent me:

"The other topic of conversation could be summarized by suggesting; although life is short, as time moves along all people change for a whole lot of reasons. We humans are strange creatures but have fundamental needs that can't be met by one solitary person on the planet. Thats my spin anyway. Some people may or may not agree with that opinion which is fine with me. I just know that I feel trapped in this marriage, hence my getting part-time work."

"There IS STILL a lot of stuff that I need to share that talking to someone not involved, helped blow out the window any misconceptions that I might have. Its not going to be pleasant and we will just get it out there and see where you want to go with this."


"The consequences of my actions will require me to make a decision at some time in the future concerning us. I have lit the fuse and it will eventually blow up in my face.
The time factor is the uncertain variable here. Will you give me an ultimatum?
Will I make a mistake and be found out. A divorce involve loss of face from each of my 3 girls for how long? The list goes on and on. There is no escape. I will become another statistic."

"You are a wonderful person. Know this; that I would never do anything to hurt you. Ive always wanted the best for you ever since you were a cute,cheeky little girl and to have you renter my life with some scars from lifes journey but accept me for who I am and my unique situation making no demands is an amazing experience. To grow in my understanding of you as a person has just made me want to love you more and spend as much time as I can with you.

You have my word that I will walk beside you in life. Just allow me the grace to move in my own time so as not to jeopardize my relationship with my girls.
Your effort to track me down finally and throw caution to the wind has paid off. I have fallen madly in love with you and maybe just maybe we are soul mates, but I do know what my heart feels and it has convinced my head. So be afraid, be very afraid; I'm here to stay!!!!!!!"

"Its always hard to find the words which I feel would adequately express the way I have grown to appreciate all that you are as a beautiful person. So, I decided to view you as a young delicate petal -so long ago- that in time has grown up to become a blossoming flower. Like bamboo you have swayed in the breeze with the gentle winds of life and have also weathered the cyclonic battering of unpredictable storms. You bend but do not break, you've been battered, but you're not broken. Such is your resilience to stand strong in the midst of turmoil and live out the creed "what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" In the midst of this you manage to reunite with myself; such is the unpredictable nature of life. I laugh at cute cliches like; sounds like a plan; keep me in the loop; stand bye one and so many aviation acronyms it makes my head spin! Your long wavy hair always makes me want to run my fingers through it and stroke your face. That glint in the eye and a cheeky smile behind what lurks a very determined, competitive beast that commands respect in the nicest possible way. Firm but not demanding or judgmental, speaking your mind with conviction and sensitivity on many and varied issues. The touch of your soft skin as I stroke you with my hands or hold you firmly in my arms not wanting to let go. Your understanding of my personal circumstances and my trust in you holding my life's destiny in the palm of your hand. These are but a few thoughts I have you.

I will quite possibly witness in the next 12 months two of my closest friends go through the pains of separation and no doubt DIVORCE. It will not be pleasant;it never is. Will I follow suit??? No one can accurately predict the future but I hope I am wise enough to learn some valuable lessons along the way."

People grow and change in relationships - if they don't grow and change in similar ways, they drift apart. That is a fact. He's not trying to change the woman he married, but he has tried for years, to get her to realise that he cannot be the centre of her universe. She is unhappy, he is unhappy - even his girls tell their mother that she needs to get out more and carve a life for herself- get some friends, take up a hobby. They can see it's not a healthy relationship.

"So, he was so miserable EIGHT YEARS AGO that he took a second job just to get away from his wife, then he started sleeping with you for eight months, and you're both calling her needy and clingy because she complains that he's never home????"

He did this because they worked together, slept together (at that stage) and lived in each other's pockets - he needed space. She resents it when he goes for a surf for a few hours. When he asks her to come, she complains that she'll get sand everywhere. He has tried so hard over the years to get her involved in his hobbies, but she wont. She wants HOME 24/7, 356 days a year - that is what I meant by the fact that her whole life revolves around him.

"Also keep in mind that every minute he has spent running away from his wife, he has also been running away from his daughters."

He has never neglected his children and has been there for all of them. He has taught them to be self-suficient. They all know how to surf, hike, make a fire and rough it in the bush. He is a fine father and he has a great relationship with them.

"He hasn't been honest with his wife. You didn't tell us anything that indicates that he has told her truly how unhappy he is with her, that he would likely leave her if she didn't get more of a life of her own, etc."

He has told her many, many times how unhappy he is, over the years. As I said, it hasn't made an iota of difference. He has stayed there for the sake of the kids.
I will talk with him about the impact on the girls and see if that is really the only reason he's not leaving her - and we have talked at length about the divorce. He is seriously contemplating it, I know that much





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