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You guys know i am a really confused and troubled person. 20 years old, still living at home, i guess a momma's boy. My voice never changed (i know exactly what is wrong with it, and i can change it whenever i want, im just too scared to make such a huge change and i've been putting it off for 2 months now). I have some good personality characteristics, but they rarely ever come out. All my life i have been made fun of for one reason or another, from about 14 years old to this day, its been my voice. My parents are super controlling and i am honestly still a little kid living with his parents, who has no clue how to live on my own. Let alone the drama that happened with my girlfriend that really took a blow on my self esteem. So you can imagine how all of these things sort of made me break away from people.

I really dont like people, especially people i dont know. Whenever i go anywhere and i am around someone i dont know, i basically stop talking because i am scared of being criticized for my voice or just for me. Whenever i try to give it a shot, go out somewhere, maybe with my girlfriend and try to open up to people. I get super anxiety attacks beforehand, and then during i really avoid talking because im so scared. Last night for example, i went out to some small concert with my girlfriend, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend (it was his birthday thing). I made a huge effort of showing up. Today my girlfriend and her friend were on the phone, and she overheard her boyfriend in the background saying how im a jerk, im rude (in a more vulgar way of course), he doesnt want me around them anymore. Because i didnt really talk much to him, i had a few small conversations, and he was all smiles to my face, and i honestly thought maybe down the road i could open up to them. I didnt talk because i was nervous, plus i have such a soft voice its hard to talk when its loud.

I hate who i have become over these 20 years. I know deep inside i am a funny guy who likes to laugh more than anything else. The few people who get close to me really love being around me, but anyone else always thinks im a complete jerk. I have super low self esteem, and i have been sheltered from everything my entire life. Even when i take the first step of changing myself, every single time i am always let down and i want to give up.

What do i do about myself?

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