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Hello. I need help with something that has been bothering me. Please take the time to read this and help me out.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and a half. I loved her very much for the first year, then we got to the stage where we bickered and argued a lot as we are both stubborn. This made me realize that she might not be the girl for me because I couldn't stand it. One night, I went out for a few drinks with one of my buddies (a male) and we split on a few pitchers. Another female friend who I know likes me stopped by the bar and had a few drinks as well. My friend had to leave to go somewhere, so the girl stayed with me and we played a few drinking games with darts.

Her brother was supposed to come pick her up around 1:30 or so and by the time we were done, we were hammered and she said she was coming over to stay on my couch. I don't know why her brother wasn't coming. I thought nothing of it and said sure, whatever. We walked home and I went into my room and got into my boxers and went to bed. Next thing I know she gets into my bed with me and starts kissing me, which lead to her getting on top of me, and then about 10 seconds of sex. I said I needed to stop, she got off, and I just turned away and made myself go to sleep.

The next day I realized how much I don't want to be with any other women. I realized that I was correct before I started getting second thoughts about the relationship.

I don't know if I should leave it at that and just think of it as something that had to happen that may have saved my relationship, or tell my girlfriend, which would devastate her. I love her very much and I don't want to hurt her. I know honesty is supposed to be the best option, but this situation seems different to me.

I need some advice. Please.
Wow. From a female's opinion and been cheated on I would say tell her!! I'm big on honesty. However, for some reason in this case I don't think you should:confused:

Sometimes things do have to go wrong in relationships to realize how to fix them, move past that stepping stone and work things out positively. For you, you learned how much you DO love your gf, how much you want to be with her and how much you don't ever want to be with someone else. Thats good to have figured out. I think that once you tell your girlfriend, the trust is broken and it is SO hard, absolutely hard to ever regain that trust. Things never worked out with me and my ex-boyfriend who cheated, although we tried and he was horribly sorry and did everything he could to make things up to me, I never could work past it. That honestly was the reason I never ended up marrying him and am not with him now. His cheating ended what could have been a lifetime relationship after 4 years.

I'm honestly on the fence on this one. I would always tell someone like you to tell her, but I don't think you should. It was your mistake, it is your guilt to work through and to remain faithful from here on with your gf. Its not fair for you to break her heart if you really love her and devote yourself to her now that you know. Leave it at that. So no, don't tell her.
I think you are thinking too much about yourself.

You say it would break her heart...but the damage is already done. You already broke her trust and her heart by cheating. She just doesn't know it yet. Keeping it to yourself is wrong. And if you already feel bad about keeping it, how can you keep it from her for years and years?

Think about this. What if years down the line, you want to marry your beautiful girlfriend. But you can't handle marrying her without her knowing about this first (which I hope is the case. That's basically tricking her) So you sit her down and tell her. Maybe if you would have told her when it first happened (meaning [I]now[/I]) she would have been able to move past it. But because you lied to her every single day for years and years, she thinks she can't trust you ever again.

It sounds to me like you're not going to be able to keep it to yourself (which makes you a good person) but if you wait and wait and then tell her, the chance of her forgiving you is so much less than if you're just up front with her from the beginning.

You are trying to justify it to yourself so you don't have to tell her because it's so difficult. I understand that. This situations sucks for everyone. But please don't fall into that trap. People cheat all the time and then say "oh well, I'll never do it again so why bother them about it!" That is completely wrong and childish.

The fact that you think she might not get over it tells you she needs to know. You know you are doing something wrong. You are keeping this from her for your own, selfish reasons. You say you don't know how easily she will get over it...well, again, that is about you.

If you truly love her, you will tell her.

Oh and one more thing...usually people know when they're being lied to. She might not know exactly what it is, but people can sense things. She will probably sense your guilt and you pulling away because you feel bad. This is just bad news for your relationship.
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3684801]branman - listen to me.....don't tell her now or ever.....
this will be the end of your relationship
save your breath, just either end the relationship now and keep your mouth shut or continue the relationship and keep your mouth shut

you're receiving bad advice from people who think you should spill your guts.....once you do, all bets are off.....

trust me, keep this under your hat and learn from it.[/QUOTE]

Rose I understand what you are saying but could you look your man in the eyes and not feel bad? I love my girlfriend and I want nothing but the best for her. How can I be the best for her if I lie?
I have been cheated on (caught him in the act) and ended the relationship. I have cheated once in my life and confessed to my boyfriend at the time the day after. He ended the relationship. So yes I have been on both sides of the issue. Honesty is the best policy imo. If my husband cheated on me I would want to know period and if I cheated he would want to know. Yes it probably would end the relationship but we both would want to know.

As for she will never find out bit...how does one know for sure? You said this was a girl that was or is a friend and she has always liked you. How do you know she would never tell your girlfriend?
honestly? i have been through this. not cheating, but being betrayed in another form... and i forgave him. i didnt want to but i did because i knew that he didnt do it because he wanted to hurt me, it just happened. it took me a while... but now we are super happy.

mistakes happen, and if you have an understanding girlfriend that loves you deeply then she will forgive you... there is the possiblity that she cant find it in her heart but thats the risk you took.
if she does forgive you, it will take a while for her to come around, and at first she may not want to. after breaking up with you, she may decide she wants to forgive you...but when she is ready it will be as if it never happened & you will be very happy that you were honest because now its no longer a burden. yall can be together and you wont feel guilty.

i will tell you, if my boyfriend cheated and just never told me, and somehow I DID find out, i would never speak to him again. girls always find out, unless they are just idiots. but she will find out, and it may be a while... but she will respect you more and she will more likely [B]WANT [/B]to forgive you if you were to be truthful. she may not want to work it out after finding out the truth, but at least she will respect you in a way for being honest with her about it.
some people dont appreciate honesty, which is foremost the most important thing in a relationship. you dont have anything, if its lies. you dont build from lies, you just fall. if shes honest with you then she deserves the same from you!!!!!

i dont believe that people are telling you to lie to her. if you loved her, you would not question whether or not you should tell. would you want her to hide it from you if she cheated?
there are some girls who rather not know, so maybe you just have to figure out if shes one of them.
i still think that honesty is most important.
if you think she wont trust you for cheating, she really wont trust you when she finds out you cheated and continued to act as if it never happen.
I am so, so glad my boyfriend is someone who would definitely tell me things like this. I feel bad for people who are dating people who would even consider keeping this to themselves.

[QUOTE]She isn't hurting at the moment, only you are. Keep it that way.[/QUOTE]

It is too late for her feelings to be spared. Her feelings should have been spared before he cheated. It is too late now. Now he has to be a [B]man[/B] and tell the truth.

The most[B] selfless [/B]thing he can do right now is confess. He did a huge selfish act by cheating, and now he has to confess to make it right. How is it selfless? Because he might lose the relationship, but he will still tell because it's the right thing to do for his girlfriend. Not for himself.

Yes, she will be hurt by it. But he made a mistake, and that is what happens when you make a mistake. That is life. She will eventually get over it, with or without him. But that is too late to fix now. This isn't a matter of sparing her feelings by not telling her. It should have been a matter of sparing her feelings by not doing it.

You have to think about his girlfriend. She is the real victim. No one on here knows if his girlfriend would want to know, and this should be about her. And considering there is no way of knowing, he should tell her for her sake and let HER make the final decision. No one on this message board should have the say in if they stay together or not. Just his girlfriend. If he keeps it from her, that is pushing his girlfriend into a relationship that she didn't sign up for. She deserves to know all the facts before she decides to stay in the relationship and now that he cheated, the facts have changed and she needs to know.

Branman, you feel bad looking into her eyes now...and I do not think that is going to diminish. If you choose to keep this from her, this is going to be a secret now that you will be forced to carry with you [B]everywhere [/B]you go, [B]forever.[/B] I don't think it's going to get better. Even if the initial guilt wears off, it will always be there in the back of your mind. Every time your girlfriend looks at you lovingly, it will be there in the back of your mind.

What if she says something to you like "I'm so glad I can trust you" or "I know you would never lie to me or cheat on me" (I say those things to my boyfriend sometimes, to let him know I am grateful for him) How will you feel then? How can you take the trust she has in you and abuse it like that?

You sound like a good person. A lot of childish people would just say "oh well, I'm never going to tell her. It's too late now and it would only hurt her" and try to feel better about it. You say you are on the fence, which is a good thing. That means you have a conscience and aren't immature.

But like I said before, your guilt is there for a reason. No one on this message board knows your girlfriend, only you do. It is your job to think about her. No one on here is thinking about her. Please, it is your job as her boyfriend to consider her feelings. She deserves to have a totally honest relationship. She deserves to have an open, honest boyfriend. Every single person deserves that in a mate. Do not deny her that.

Please, do the right thing. Do the adult thing. Do the loving thing and let her know. You already made a selfish decision...don't make another one.

And from the sound of it, it doesn't seem like you're going to be able to keep it in forever. If you tell her weeks or months in the future, she might say to you "I could have gotten over it if only you were up front from the beginning.

You said you were going to tell her...please, stick with that decision. It is the right one, I promise you.

[QUOTE]don't you see that the ones who are hounding you to tell are people who have been cheated on before......they want to see you punished![/QUOTE]

Um, I have never been cheated on. Please don't make a blanket statement that includes me. I think the people "hounding him" are people who believe in truth and honesty in a relationship :) People who believe that once you do something wrong you should be an adult and fess up, not act like a 3 year old and hide it.
Alright. I would like to thank everyone for their replies. BayRS, I found your replies to be most helpful and took it to heart.

My girlfriend came over today, we hung out like normal for a bit. She noticed I wasn't completely normal and asked what was wrong and I said I would tell her later. I then made her dinner (I always make dinner for her at my place). After dinner we went back to hang out in my room and she asked if I could tell her what is wrong.

I told her that I was afraid and I wasn't sure what to say. After a minute or two, I said that I had to tell her now otherwise she would always wonder what I didn't want to tell her. I told her to hang on, walked to my desk and stood in front of the drawer for a second, then opened it and grabbed the letter I wrote and handed it to her. The letter was only about a page and a quarter long written by hand. She read it with me crying with my head on her shoulder (laying down on the bed).

She told me to stop crying and talk about it with her. I told her I was sorry, I hated myself, I feel like s***, I didn't mean to hurt her, etc. All of it being true, of course. I asked her if she still loved me and she said she loves me just as much as before. She asked a lot of questions about the situation (who was at the bar, why she came over after, how we got back, why she was in my room, why I was dressed for bed with her there, how it was initiated, etc). I answered all her questions honestly.

She hugged me and kissed me and told me that it was okay. She said she might more upset or mad at me later (as in tomorrow or later this week) and that she might need a few days to herself, which I completely understand.

I don't think STDs are an issue since I know that the girl is not very sexually active (yes I know there is still a risk, but chances are nothing is wrong). I told her I would get one done, and she said she has no problems also getting one done. She said she might be mad if she got one because of this sictuation and I asked what she would do. She just said she would take the treatment to get rid of it and continue on.

Again, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. For all the people who told me to be honest and tell her, I agree with you fully. I understand that not everyone will take this as well as my girlfriend did, but I do feel a hell of a lot better that I told her. I admit what I did was wrong, but the important thing is that I realized that it was wrong, I fussed up, and told her like any decent person would. I took the risk of her breaking up with me and now I will suffer the consequences. Luckily, her breaking up with me or not loving me was not one of those consequences.

Thank you.
This is amazing news! :D I am so proud of you. Seriously, good for you for telling her. You did the complete right thing! But I'm sure you realize this already.

This is the best thing you could have possibly done for your girlfriend in this situation, and trust me, I'm sure she realizes it. The fact that you would be so honest with her is not lost on her, I'm sure. I know that even if I was upset or angry at my boyfriend for telling me, I would still know that he's a good person at heart because he fessed up when he could have easily lied to me about it.

Now your guilt is gone, there is no lying and your relationship can continue to be a healthy, completely honest one once you two work past this. There don't need to be any secrets and you can look into her eyes knowing that her trust in you isn't misplaced.

She may very well need the time to herself for a few days, and she might get more upset or angry in that time. Just be patient. That is actually how I deal with bad news too. I'm understanding at first and then process my feelings later. But the fact that she didn't leave you and she said she still loves you is really good news :)

I am so happy for the both of you! This isn't an easy situation but it sounds like it's going as good as it possibly can, and I'm so happy about that.

I wish you all the best. Please let us know how everything works out.
I talked to the girl about STDs and she has confirmed that she does not have anythign and has been tested recently. We are still getting tested though, but I don't think we have anything to worry about.

My girlfriend spent the night crying when she got home. She said she still loves me just as much, but she is going to need time to heal and let herself get over it. She said she hates what happened, but she is glad that I told her. She says she thinks that she can get over it.

She is seeing her bestfriend tonight to talk with her. She will most likely be upset and crying, but she said she just needs to talk to someone other than me which is understandable. I'm going to see her either tomorrow or Friday. We emailed each other a lot, mostly her asking questions about what happened and why, and how could I be so stupid, and why I didn't think about her. She thinks it was because she wasn't a better girlfriend and has lost her confidence.

I think tomorrow I'm going to buy her her favorite flowers and write a letter with words describing her and why I love her. I'm going to go over during the day and tell her brother to put it in her room. She will then have a surprise when she comes home from work and she loves when I surprise her with things so its a first step anyways. I'm hoping after a few days when she gets settled she will be ready to start thinking about the good that came out of this rather than the bad.

I asked her if I am worth going through all of this and she said yes and that she loves me just as much as before. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do now to show her that the best thing to do would be to stay with me?





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