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I am looking for a solution to a particular problem. Many issues converge. I grew up very close to my grandmother. My mother worked the night shift and it was allowed for me to visit her 2 nights a week. I enjoyed hikes and visiting my cousins with her. Now that I am older I realize how hard her life is and we have established a friendship. However my grandmother will always be my first mother. There came a time when I turned 15 that she accused me of getting secretly married. I was an honor roll student, editor of a poetry magazine, doing extracurricular activities like colourguard and music theatre. During this time my dad also started to call and talk to me over the phone which meant the world to me. He was never welcome in their home. When I was four years old a big half hour argument errupted in the living room my grandfather and dad wanted to kill each other and my grandmother told me to go to her room at the end of the hallway. She followed after me and I heard my dad's voice get louder behind her. He was trying to talk to her. Then she pulled her father's gun from under the mattress and pointed it at him and told him if he didn't leave she would shoot him dead. I cried and stepped inbetween them and asked her not to kill my dad. After that I saw him on my 6th birthday, also when I was 9, christmas when I was 11 it goes. Eventually my grandparents sold their house and we moved out of state. My mother tried to keep me from going with them. And my grandfather threatened to turn her into the IRS for falsely claiming me. She no longer put up a fight. The move was to be a new beginning for my grandparents. They wanted to enjoy their retirement. Growing up my grandmother talked bad about her daughter in laws. It seemed there was always unnecessary dramas that did not need to exist. Most of my attention was focused on doing well in school so I could get into a good college. I made a lot of friends and started to become my own person. I think this really bothered my grandmother. I wish someone could explain to me what her problem is. I sought counseling in high school and did group therapy after the incident where she accused me of being secretly married. I was told to read CoDependent no more by Beattie. My own parents were not married more than a year and got into a horrible fight in Georgia. Getting married has never been #1 priority on my list. My grandmother would always make a point to tell me when she was 22 she had a husband she didn't want and two children she didn't want. My dad was her third son. She took care of me when she was planning to adopt a Korean girl. During the fight in Georgia, my dad punched a hole in the wall and the authorities made it so I was to stay with his parents since both mine were incapable. My mother would not eat and would not take care of me. He would come home to see if she was eating. Also my father was gay and she would fight with him about going to the bars. I learned that later. During a spring break I went to see my mom and dad when I was 16. I do not regret spending time with him although my mother was very upset about it. I had questions and concerns about how he lived his life but it filled a gap getting to know him. Some kids have parents they never want to see again or parents that leave when they are age 9 and never know them. I have been very fortunate on the wheel of experience. I was a good kid, loyal, obedient, a hard worker. My grandmother tuned out and refused to listen to me and for the rest of my life I have gone unacknowledged by her. I thought over time she would realize her mistake. If she has she has never said it to me. When you are 15 going through this it feels like cancer. I plead my case with her and cried my tears and went on to live my life. I moved out at 17 and finished high school. She did not go to my graduation. I moved out of state where my mother lived. I lived with her for a year and then went to college. I made friendships that did not endure at a christian college. People are always talking about being born again. Well I made myself anew. It seemed people didn't like me for who I was then and they still don't like me now but I'm going to keep advancing and progressing no matter what my detractors say. I like to read a lot, examine the arts, discuss politics, have fun. All this time my grandmother has not been a part of my experience of college the job hunt the soul search...I have never married and am now 29. I have a boyfriend I have been together with off and on for five years. At this point in time he is not prime marriage material but he provides intellectually and emotionally what I yearn for as of date. On some odd level I would relate us to percy and mary shelley, the guy who wrote ozymandias and the woman who wrote Frankenstein. He attempted suicide a couple years ago. That was devastating and I have since recovered from that and other deplorable derailments. So it seems every relationship is strained by stomething tragic. I find it helpful to stay positive to get good rest to eat right and not let what people say bother me. Just because a person says a thing does not make it so. During college I tried to call my grandmother but she would hang up on me or tell me I was in a conspiracy with my lying mother and really lived 10 minutes away from her because she saw me and knows I'm married. I have no label to put on this kind of behaviour except that she's nuts! It's hard because I always thought when I got older we would be close and I feel my life would have had a different outcome if this unnecessary drama didn't exist. One cannot change the past except to make the future better. I have sent cards and written to no avail. There is just no answer from her. I tell myself love keeps no record of wrongs and that I will not resent my karma. Maybe I was a horrible person in a past life. This one is turning me into an adept sociopath. It's too much for her to say she loves me or say she is sorry or admit her mistake. I have let go of needing that. I have made my own way. A lot of people would fall apart or let their heart turn to stone. Also my dad passed away of AIDS in 1999. My grandmother told people it was a motorcycle accident. In some ways I feel his life would have been more productive and happy had she steered him in another direction and created less dramas about him being gay. That was then hopefully today is different for people who are gay. I still feel there is a lot of stigma and judgement. It was what it was though. My grandfather died the same year as my dad. I was in college and homesick and just really wanted to go home but I never could. When my grandmother would hang up on me it would bring back memories of night when my dad would call and she would hang up on him. I know how he felt. I guess what I feel is utter alienation. There was no support from my family when my dad died. Only recently did one cousin write to me that he wished he'd been more loving towards me in my life. I guess I feel mentally people like to masturbate to other people's existences and have gone to the mall to buy the latest fad . I truly believe in the power of positive thinking but I wonder if there will ever be a day when my grandmother comes around or if she will stay in a deluded aberrated state of psyche. I have consigned myself that she just got older. I worry because she lives alone. My only uncle left on my dad's side of the family lives 2 hours away. I don't know if they even talk. They have a strained relationship. It just really makes the holidays suck. I try to establish happiness with the people around me in life that are with me. It's just a continuing struggle. Recently my mother's friend has had a very hard year: his favorite uncle died, his house burned down a couple months ago and his son was murdered on a road I pass when I go to work. His murderer has not been arrested and the news misrepresented his son. When I heard the news about his son it sent me through a horrible depression. The job I work is calling people about their past due bill and they are never happy to be asked to pay their bill. Of course they like to shoot the messenger and act the fool. I find each call a challenge of responding to life and problem solving rather than reacting to life or being dragged into a petty argument with a moot point. People are people and these are hard times. My aim is to help the person I'm calling and give them respect they do not always deserve. Also at my job I feel people like to pat one on the shoulder and stab them in the back. I am not there to be a rising star or STUPIDvisor. I just want to work this job til I make my own happiness. However I am thankful I have this job because otherwise I would start a life of crime or take up exotic dancing. I may take up exotic dancing anyway. God knows. I am trying to spend my time being productive and work towards my goals so I can leave this job as soon as possible. It is no easy task to diffuse a bomb on every call. I guess I am tired of people detracting from goals I have in life. I guess I just woke up this sunday and thought it was ridiculous my grandmother won't talk to me and was feeling anxiety about going to my job on monday and want what everyone wants ...HAPPINESS. Now I'm going for a hike to be in the light and destress around nature. A powerfully deep movie I watched this weekend was The Life Before Her Eyes starring Uma Thurman and Evan Rachel Wood which brought tears to my eyes. I think everyone should see it. Also I thoroughly enjoyed Persepolis. She said she survived a revolution but that a banal love story almost killed her. I recommend both. I wish everyone today the happiness they are looking for and for PEACE in the world.

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