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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I kinda know how you feel, sorta. Because for me, 4 of my 6 long term bf's actually cheated on me. I agree that it's really hard to trust after that happens. And to be honest, for him to even be getting those emails is very weird and I'd have most likely jumped to the same conclusion as you have. How can you not? If he were serious about being off the dating sites, he would have erased his profile off those sites completely and not be getting any emails from those sites at all. That part totally doesn't make sense to me and my first gut feeling is that he's lying to you. In that way, I think you made the right choice by telling him you were over. Because you do need to draw the line, and you do need to be adamant that you have a zero tolerance policy about dating sites after you're in a committed relationship. I think that in this case you need to trust your instinct and just be done with him. If he would have deleted his account and was no longer receiving emails from there, then I would believe him. But the fact that he's still on their mailing list is really, really suspicious!!

Nevertheless, there does come a point where you have to stop punishing your current boyfriend for the sins of your past boyfriends. It's hard to do, I know, because I've been in your position many times. But for me, I've learned to give each new guy a clean slate from which to prove to me that he's worthy of my trust. Each new guy is an individual, who has nothing to do with anyone I've ever dated yet. As such, if he proves to me there's nothing for me to worry about, then I give him the benefit of the doubt and I don't automatically assume he's going to cheat. Have I been wrong in trusting again? Sure, but at least I took a chance.

There's some wisdom in the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You may end up getting hurt more often when you take more chances. And getting over a heartbreak is very hard, as you know. But at the same time, at least you have had an opportunity to experience what love feels like at all. Some people go through their entire life never knowing what it feels like to be loved and to be in love. And that, to me, is a lot more sad than someone who has to suffer through a heartbreak. If you think about it in the "big picture", then you'll probably see what I mean.

So, in terms of your case, I think you have a right to be suspicious. He handled this situation stupidly by not completely removing his email from those dating sites. The fact that those girls are still emailing him is very suspicious. And I think you should trust your first instinct and don't believe whatever excuse he comes up with. All of it sounds like bs to me, and if I were you, I wouldn't believe it, either. But in your next relationship, try to just see the guy as being someone new who hasn't done anything wrong yet. And try to operate under the assumption that he's not going to hurt you. Keep your guard up a little, but don't punish him for what's happened in your past. The next guy might end up being honest and loyal this time. But unless you give him a chance to prove it to you, then you'll never know for sure.





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