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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I can actually see both sides of this story. I think it's wonderful that you spend time with your girlfriend and want to do things for her and take her on trips and such, but if you look at it from her side, a nice fancy dinner doesn't really matter if the person you're with spends the whole time focusing on other things besides you.

Do you really love her? I think you may really truly love her, but she's not a mind reader. She needs for you to SHOW her that you love her, and that means listening to her when she talks. Finding what she says important and valid enough to listen to and to remember is also a part of being a good boyfriend. I mean, from her point of view, how much could you really love her or even care about her as a friend or fellow human being if the things that come out of her mouth aren't even important enough to you to listen to?

she does sound like she's a bit needy and demanding, but it's hard to tell if she came into the relationship that way, or if she became that way as a result of always having to repeat herself because you can't pay attention to the things she says, always having to initiate, always having to coax you to hold her, put an arm around her, hold her hand, etc. Probably a little of both. Most women are really turned on by a guy who really listens, who is turned on by who they are, and a man who really WANTS them. few things are sexier than really being wanted, heart mind body and soul.

And as much as you might not like to think about the possibility, there's a chance you two just aren't really right for each other. Maybe she just needs a man who is more into who she is as a person, who really loves and admires the way she sees the world, what she thinks and feels and the way her mind and heart work and who loves to cuddle and hold hands and perhaps you need a woman who is more in keeping with your personal style. I know for me personally, I wouldn't date someone who never listened to me and who never remembered anything I said and who didn't ever want to hug or be demonstrative toward me. Not because I'm immature or selfish, but because that's just my style of loving. I would consider it a waste of time to date someone who didn't really love me, and I would consider someone who couldn't care enough to pay attention to me when I spoke or to keep their eyes on me when they are having a romantic dinner or something with me to be someone who didn't really love me.

I don't really think it's that you're a terrible boyfriend, OR that she's totally in the wrong here either. Communication and compromise are the keys if this relationship is to work.
Thank you everyone for your replies!!


[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3707576]
Do you really love her? I think you may really truly love her, but she's not a mind reader. She needs for you to SHOW her that you love her, and that means listening to her when she talks. Finding what she says important and valid enough to listen to and to remember is also a part of being a good boyfriend. I mean, from her point of view, how much could you really love her or even care about her as a friend or fellow human being if the things that come out of her mouth aren't even important enough to you to listen to?
[/quote]

I think I may have sounded like I [i]never[/i] listen or make eye contact. That's not the case at all. I listen to her and make eye contact. It's just that I don't listen or make eye contact 100% of the time. I couldn't type out every situation or every detail about my listening, so I just made the general points.

[quote]
she does sound like she's a bit needy and demanding, but it's hard to tell if she came into the relationship that way, or if she became that way as a result of always having to repeat herself because you can't pay attention to the things she says, always having to initiate, always having to coax you to hold her, put an arm around her, hold her hand, etc. Probably a little of both. Most women are really turned on by a guy who really listens, who is turned on by who they are, and a man who really WANTS them. few things are sexier than really being wanted, heart mind body and soul.[/quote]

thinking back to when we first started dating, I was working almost full time and going to school full time. She had no job and had graduated undergrad months beforehand. I would be trying to go to sleep at night and she would be laying there next to me asking me to "stay up and talk to me." I would tell her to please let me sleep bc I had to get up early. Sometimes I'd ask her what she wanted to talk about and she would reply with "I don't know, what do you want to talk about?" Not sure, but that might be around the time when I started tuning her out sometimes...

[quote]And as much as you might not like to think about the possibility, there's a chance you two just aren't really right for each other. Maybe she just needs a man who is more into who she is as a person, who really loves and admires the way she sees the world, what she thinks and feels and the way her mind and heart work and who loves to cuddle and hold hands and perhaps you need a woman who is more in keeping with your personal style. I know for me personally, I wouldn't date someone who never listened to me and who never remembered anything I said and who didn't ever want to hug or be demonstrative toward me. Not because I'm immature or selfish, but because that's just my style of loving. I would consider it a waste of time to date someone who didn't really love me, and I would consider someone who couldn't care enough to pay attention to me when I spoke or to keep their eyes on me when they are having a romantic dinner or something with me to be someone who didn't really love me.

I don't really think it's that you're a terrible boyfriend, OR that she's totally in the wrong here either. Communication and compromise are the keys if this relationship is to work.[/QUOTE]

Good points! :)




[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3707761]As much as I don't like to play doctor, I get the idea from this -



- that maybe you have some kind of Attention Deficit Disorder? I mean really, if you and your girlfriend are sitting at a restaurant, enjoying a meal and conversation together, it is REALLY rude to turn your head every ten seconds and focus on something else. That sounds like something you should consciously work to fix. If you care about your girlfriend (or anyone) and they are talking to you, you should be looking into their eyes and focusing on what they're saying.[/quote]

You're right, it is rude. As I said to larrylou'smom, I think I may have come off sounding like I [i]never[/i] pay any attention to her and that I solely focus on everything else going on.


Obviously I can't type everything for every situation we have been in, but to explain further, I might quickly glance with my eyes (not completely turn my head 90 deg ), everytime the waiter walks by, it is certainly nothing that most people would notice. I may have a bit of attention deficit, but the weird thing is that I can get interested in some things and have a super long attention span...other things I can only pay attention for minutes at a time.





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