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[QUOTE=bluesky123;3715718]This is a major factor in why I feel so down and embarrassed by this whole saga. I was a doormat. And I didn't care as long as I had him. And he knew it. Perhaps he didn't know the extent - the depression I experienced, failing a course at University, alienating myself, looking in the mirror and hating myself.
I hate myself for that. How could I do that to myself?[/QUOTE]

We have all done it at one time or another. Don't beat yourself up about it. As someone else pointed out, if you didn't do this whole breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup/breakup cycle you would be suffering from the "what ifs" and that is even worse. You know the what if. You know it's just not going to work.

Do you remember before when I told you that you need to get angry and stay angry? It really does help. When I threw my exhusband out I went through this cycle 4/5 times before doing it for the last time. It always started when I had a nice memory and then that warm and fuzzy feeling came back. The last time I tossed him I didn't allow myself those warm and fuzzy memories anymore. If something creeped in I forced myself to remember the bad times I had been trying so hard to forget. Who wants to remember the bad? Our bad times were awful, but the anger those memories gave me kept me from picking up the phone.

I hope you really mean it this time that you are done. He told you straight out that he has no feelings and he won't change. You need to listen to him. Put you first. So you've had a rough year? So what! Make a vow to yourself right now to do what you have to to get your studies back on track, to manage your depression, and get back to enjoying your life. It won't be easy. Most things in life that are worthwhile or healthy are the easy solutions. But you know deep down that you have to do this for you. This can be the day your life turned around.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3715745]those warm and fuzzy memories anymore. If something creeped in I forced myself to remember the bad times I had been trying so hard to forget.[/QUOTE]

Damn those warm fuzzy memories. I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to make a list of all the really hurtful things that happened. His last message is enough to make me not want to talk to him but why take the risk - I'll make the list as a back up in case.

I'm feeling better now. Thank you all. But I am really scared I am going to relapse - because I've always done it. Always. I need to stop.

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