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Hello! Thank you for remembering me and wondering how I am :)

I wanted to post yesterday but internet wasn't working so I typed it up on my computer and saved it. I'll copy and paste it below and add a follow on for today.

06/09/08 Morning

Worked yesterday. Got the day off today to go to that training course but I had no confirmation back from the organisers and it is a long way to travel if it wasn't going to happen so I've had a sleep in because I was absolutely exhausted yesterday despite having the previous three days off work. I had been working full time for a number of months.

Woke up this morning, and it came from nowhere. I am really missing him. Really missing him. Not a strong and deep kinda missing him pain but just missing. Right now, as happymom described, all those wam and fuzzy feelings and memories are drifting into my thoughts. But I do understand and I am able to remember I miss what we had more than a year ago and that has disappeared for good and I can never get that back. Even if he came back again, it has gone for good this time. If I let him back, it'd be a waste of time, wasting more time and opportunities to meet a man who I will be able to have what I had with my ex in the beginning but this time make it last for longer and perhaps forever (rolls eyes, yeah right lol but hey at least I am being optimistic). Wow...just typing that has made me feel so much better. I woke up feeling..."missing him :(" but I do understand not to confuse missing with wanting and thinking it could work. It really seems like I've let this go. No calls, no messages, no nothing. If I never respond, normally he attemps to talk again or at least be friends. But this feels like it is. And I'll be damned if I ever contact him again.

I just miss what we had. How sweet he was. I am still in love with all of what we had. What a absolute fool he was to give that up. Absolute fool.

So today I will start by having a bath and using the beauty products I spent a lot of money on the other day. Normally I'm not a sucker and I am not a materialist person but I thought I'd treat myself.
I really want to change the colour of my hair and really want to do that today but I don't have an appointment and the next time I'll be able to won't be till next week. I need it done though. Maybe I should see if they could fit me in? But perhaps I need mroe time to find the exact colour I want?

One piece of excitement today -going clubbing with my favourite work mates and staying round my friend's house. I am so excited. It has been a very rough summer and to finally be out with my favourite people it is going to be good. I just hope I am still up to it!
I should buy a new outfit.

Oh and it is my sister's birthday today. Will need to go shopping to buy her a very expensive handbag. Will be celebrating her birthday tomorrow as she is living away at the moment at University.


TODAY

Great night out last night. It was amazing. Had work again today and celebrated my sister's birthday this evening.
Haven't thought about my ex too much.
Kinda missed him this morning but the feeling now is more about how I feel like such a mug to have pursued him the way I did. In a few weeks he will be going on holiday on his own, while a few weeks back I was telling him how we could go away for his birthday. I don't message him happy birthday, right? I'm scared nearer the time and with more time apart I may be inclined to but please don't make me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is my responsibility at the end of the day but neverthless please remind me why I shouldn't. I'm sure I'll post nearer the time...
Two years ago I begged him to go on a ski holiday with me. He said he didn't like sking. Next few weeks after that I found out from his friends that they were going! Needless to say I was not happy. And because he didn't want to go to a concert (my fav artist's) on new year's because he wanted to sit in a bar with his friends. The list could go on. But him going away when I really wanted to go with him...it has deep effect on me because it reminds me of why I started feeling insecure, not wanted, and how stupid I was to keep ignoring my gut and trying to work things out. No point. Things would never change as time proved.
The more I think about it the more I realise...did he even like me considering the way he treated me?????????? forget love. there was no love in the slightest. When I hear about the loving things men do for the special woman in their life, my heart melts then breaks. Melts because I think "how sweet" I bloody forget what a real loving relationship with a man entails! Then my heart breaks because I think how wrong, how bad, how disgusting my ex was to me, and how I was happy with that and really started to believe that it was acceptable as long as I had him.
Listening tongiht about the things my sister's boyfriend did for my sister's birthday...sigh...well he's always perfect towards her. They're lucky to have eachother!

Well last night was great :angel: And so are you guys!

I've realised I need to be single for a while. Not because I don't want a man or a relationship. For the first time in my life I am really missing sex. But because I couldn't have one now. I don't feel up to it. I need to shake this cobwebs off. I really need to be in the new phase of my life with my ex forgotten and in a long distant world.





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