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I've come here in search of understanding.

I recently had a short (couple of months) love relationship with a girl. The relationship is over now, and given the facts post-relationship, I should be fine and happy of not being involved with her anymore. But I still care for her, and really would like to find a way to help her out of the path she has chosen. I know she should be free to choose any path she'd like to, but what I learned in those short months troubles me deeply.

We are 30 years old now. We met 10 years ago at the same college. We were friends for less than a year, but I felt in love with her while she wanted to stay just friends. I couldn't handle the situation, so I moved away from her and didn't meet her again until last year (by chance). We were both happy to meet again and started having lunch together once a month or so. She had a long term relationship with her boyfriend, and this time I was happy just enjoying a good time together.

Everything changed when she started calling me to go out (as her date for parties hosted by her friends and/or family). She had broken-up her relationship and I was happy to go out with her, if only as a friend. But this time she had other plans.

Afterwards I learned that in the previous months she started developing romantic feelings towards me, and that she wasn't happy with her boyfriend. It was hard for her to gain the strength to dump him, but finally she did. Some weeks later she called me to go out a couple of times, which lead to our first kiss. I was happy to fulfil one on my youth dreams, but she wanted to have a more serious relationship. I told her I didn't want to commit so fast, but some weeks later I did, under her pressure. Finally, we could announce to the world that we were a couple.

I was happy. Not everything was perfect, but the good stuff overshadowed the strange and bad. She wanted to move along faster. Not a month had gone by when she wanted us to move together, to find an apartment for us, to buy a house, to have kids, etc. I didn't take those requests too seriously and didn't do much about them, although they came in frequently and wouldn't stop. Maybe I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I didn't want to fully commit before understanding better what I was going into.

I might call her selfish, but I suspect something deeper is going on inside her. For example, she wanted me to visit her, but when I did she could completely forget I was there while she watched her favorite TV series. If I asked her afterwards she would feel bad and apologize while admitting her fault (she had really self absorbed and dismissed the rest of the world), but it troubles me that it could happen at all. How can you forget that your guest is standing up besides you, while you eat and watch TV? She also had a clear vision of where we should be living, or how our future children should be named, but never cared much about my opinion. I was amazed, but didn't worry a lot as I wasn't going to buy a house or have a children with her in the short term anyways. I could sense these personality issues 10 years ago, which helped me rationalizing out of my infatuation, but this time I could get an even closer experience of them. I could forgive and live along with them, as I am not perfect either, she is a great woman, and when things were good, they were great.

The relationship ended suddenly. She wasn't happy I didn't want to visit her on a Saturday night while she was sick, but I thought it was fair I could take a night off, as we had met on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and on that Saturday morning. I told her I wanted to stay at home, but to have lunch with her and her family on Sunday as usual. She didn't understand me, and we didn't met that Saturday, or had lunch on Sunday, and she didn't want to see me on the whole week. Next Saturday we met, she was friendly and warm, but I decided to end the relationship as she told me she was confused, and having feelings for her previous boyfriend.

Previously I had learned that it wasn't the first time she had tried to end her relationship with him. He didn't have a lot of friends, had a negative view of life, and he had some anger management issues. I could understand what kind of situations with her could trigger that kind of reactions, although under similar situations I could stay calm and rational (which she appreciated). While we were going out he sent her messages of mad love, resentment, vengeance, ill feelings, and love. Not even her family liked him, and they were happy to see her moving on.

I thought we could stay friends after ending the relation. I was wrong. She doesn't want to see me, she doesn't answer my calls, and if casually we almost meet each other she just plainly avoids me. I can understand that her boyfriend wouldn't like her to meet me given the facts, but it's hard to understand why they are together again. It's even harder to understand why are they getting married or why would they think they'll have a successful marriage, but now it's official: They are getting married.

If they hadn't broke up so recently I would be happy to see them getting married, I even might have been invited to the wedding. But destiny or chance wanted me to get involved in this story. I learned a lot of things I wouldn't had if it wasn't for this close relationship. Can I do something to help them? Should I? Or I was just invited to watch and learn from this disaster in the making?

I hope I am wrong. I hope they will have a happy life together. I hope his feelings of resentment and vengeance disappear. I hope she gets the house and the children she dreams about. I hope I was just an extended bachelorette party. I will be sad to lose a very valuable friendship, as her husband wouldn't feel easy with us being friends, but I would be happy for them and especially for her.

But if there is a disaster coming, I think I would want and should do something about it. I don't know what or how, but I'd like to help. Or at least to understand.

What do you think?


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