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Hello all, new member here.

My ex partner ended our relationship in June '07 and I had a real problem getting over it as we had a mutual set of friends and were both involved in the same theatre group. She told me she wanted us to be friends and after taking a break from the theatre group I went back earlier this year and tried to make a go of it. As time went on it became increasingly obvious to me that things weren't right with her and I tried to talk to her about it but she refused to discuss it.

I had been making an effort to be as respectful to her as possible and also keep my dignity even though it was obvious that something wasn't right, she was always cagey and guarded with me but fine with everyone else. It also became apparent that whatever friendship we might have had to be on her terms and that the boundaries had changed although she hadn't told me. It was if she expected me to know how things were without her telling me.
I was getting to the point of leaving the theatre group indefinitely to get some professional help to sort my head out when I discovered very publicly and to my utter horror that she had begun an illicit affair with a married man in the group! It was at a friend's birthday party and they arrived together, sat together and were openly tactile with each other in full view of me(and others) at the table! I felt extremely humiliated and disrespected and needless to say I left the party shortly afterwards and I haven't seen or heard from her since. I also left the theatre group at the same time. It's been difficult as we had a mutual set of friends and I have to make sure she's not going to be around if I'm invited to things.

I sent her a long email getting everything off my chest that I'd been bottling up for months although I made a great deal of effort to keep it as dignified as possible as opposed to an angry vitriolic rant. I read it to a friend of mine when I'd written it and she told me I should send it so I did. I didn't get a reply and I found out about ten days later that my ex was absolutely furious about it and showed it to her best friend who told her not to reply.

I really don't understand what right she had to be furious and she obviously failed to realise that I was also furious and I believe had every right to say the things I did. Anyway the whole of the past 15 months or so have made me question my self worth and esteem which is why I decided to get some psychotherapy to sort my head out and get some closure. That starts later this month and I can't wait to get started cos I'm sick of feeling so low.

The affair is still going on and from what I hear they are being quite open about it which has shocked a lot of people in the theatre group and also made everyone very uncomfortable to the point of someone considering talking to the vice chairwoman on the committee and making them aware of the situation. The depth of feeling about this is rapidly growing in the group and it's reassuring for me to know that so many feel the same. I've heard comments like 'disgusted', 'beggars belief', appalled' etc etc.

I'm especially appalled at my ex as her first marriage ended because her husband had an affair and got a girl pregnant so she knows full well what it's like to be on the receiving end of what she's now doing herself! On top of that she told me how badly it affected her which is why she doesn't show her feelings much any more and would rather paint on a smile and pretend everything's fine. She's very good at 'hiding her head in the sand' as it were hoping that problems will go away instead of dealing with them. A lot of people have said that and it seems she's in some sort of denial about how this affair is affecting people.

I hope something is said to them soon because it bothers me that it's also affecting people I care about as well as myself.

Anyway, on to the positives! I'm now involved with two other theatre groups and I've just started playing in a new band so things are looking up. My therapy starts soon and I've also got my 40th Birthday coming up so hopefully I'll be starting my life all over again :)

I don't think I'll ever get any sort of apology from her for what she's done and I'm beginning to resign myself to that fact. My therapy will be geared towards helping me let go of the way she's made me feel and building my confidence and self esteem. It's unlikely I'll go back to that theatre group but I won't say never. I've still got some very dear friends from it who I'm still in touch with.

I'll keep u posted.

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