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This is going to be kind of long and feel free to slap me around if I need it.

Ive been with my husband since i was 17 and he was 19. After for a year, his ex girlfriend started causing problems, she said they were talking and he claims they werent. Alot happened and he ended up taking a restraining order against her and she moved away for years. We got married when i was 19 and he was 21. His mom always stayed in our business and he never would take up for me. She went around talking bad about me. She still does. After we got married my husband mentally and physically abused me. I stayed stressed out and cried a lot. I left a couple of times and the last time i was not planning on going back but i found out i was pregnant. Which i do thank God for. When i was 29 weeks pregnant my mother in law started some crap with me and got my husband all mad at me and he came home and we started argueing bad. He pushed me against the wall choking me. Two days later i went into labor and had to go on bed rest. He would always cry and tell me how sorry he was. I would always forgive him. After our baby boy was born my husband no longer physically abused me but the mental abuse would come and go. When my son was 6 months old my husband got arrested for pulling over for a pretend prostitute. My husband drives a local truck. They said that he didnt solicitate her but he did talk to her and then he told her to get off the truck and she wouldnt so he started trying to push her off the truck. He got arrested for assault with a deadly weapon meaning the truck. It got dropped in court. I left him for a while and moved in with my parents. I didnt know what i was going to do. I worked only part time and i couldnt find a good job. I live in a small town. I went back to him and he begged he was changed. He swore that he had never cheated on me.

So things were better. Except when my son turned 5, i wanted another baby so bad. I did love my husband even though after all he had put me through. He didnt want anymore children. I begged and begged so he finally agreed. I got pregnant after trying for 5 months. I was so happy but he was not. He didnt want the child. He treated me so bad. Then when i was 6 months i started bleeding. I went to the dr and we found out that my baby had no kidneys. They told me that his lungs would not develope because of the no kidneys. They said it was a fluke and that he would die at birth. So I went home to carry him for a couple more weeks. I had placenta previa so my placenta abrupted i was rushed in for an emergency c-section up and down scar. My sweet little baby was so precious looking. U couldnt tell anything was wrong with him. He died. At first i needed my husband to take care of me i was ill mentally. He was really there for me he turned around so quickly. But then it set in. I HATED HIM!!! He didnt want the baby.

I kept trying to get it out of my head. I felt worthless. My husband stopped abussing me but i felt crappy about myself from all the years of abuse. I lost my little baby and i just wanted another baby so bad. I cried and cried. I had to beg my husband again for another baby. I was desperate. So we started trying with no luck. A year later we found out that my husband was grayzone for sperm count. My husband then was willing to try anything to help me because he knew i resented him. Then we found out that he had one vas differen and one kidney. It all made since then, it was genetic. I had my older son checked and he has both of his kidneys. I had mine checked and i have both of mine.

Then i did something i had no excuse for, I had a long affair with my husband's best friend. I didnt mean for it to happen but he made me feel like someone again. I know its no excuse. I should have gotton out of my marriage if i felt that way but i just couldnt leave. My husband did find out and we split up but then we got back together.

That has been 2 years ago. Over the two years my husband has changed. He is more loving, he tells me he loves me and he will do anything for me. He waits on me hand and foot. He cooks me breakfast every Sunday. He holds me and tells me how beautiful i am. What happened. Why come it couldnt of been like this from the get go. He takes up for me when it comes to his mom. It is like night and day. We started trying again and i found out that i have endometriosis. They told me that my tubes and ovaries were fine and it was on the back of my uterus. They did a lap on me. So then we though it was that that was causing me not to get pregnant. We kept trying and then we went to see another dr. She told me that my endo was not the type that would cause infertility. She sent my husband for another semen check and we just found out that my husband has only 8 million sperm. When i asked him if he was going to see a dr he told me that why should he when i might take off and leave him after having another baby.

The problem is that even though my husband has changed a lot, i resent him. Not because he has one kidney and my baby died of no kidneys. Not because he has low sperm count. I know he cant help those things. But because everything i wanted in life he took away from me. He took my identity away from me. I stay to myself. I am getting ready to go back to college online. I need this. I need something in my life. I still want another baby so badly. My son will be 10 soon and i feel like it is too late. I dont know if it will ever happen for us because of his low sperm count. I am so depressed. Of course my husband is all loving to me now i cant get this resentment out of my head. I feel like i have been with him for 16 years now so i feel i cant walk away. I should of done it the first time he abused me when we first got married.

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