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Hi all,

Pendulum, yes, for the past couple of months he(let's call him "Jay") has paid me rent which has helped me out tremendously as I am in trouble with my financial obligations with my house. He pays all of his bills on the computer. His friend, let's call her "Mary" is his Mommy, his security, his long term friend and he is loyal to her because she has been there for him through rough times and he has been there for her as well. It's a shame they didn't fall in love and have a romantic relationship but he only cares about Mary as a friend. My gut feeling is that Mary would love Jay to live with her and devote his life to her. Mary hates any female that Jay gets involved with. She won't allow Jay to bring anyone to her house, etc. So that causes friction.

In all honesty, when Jay does visit Mary I am relieved because I have space to myself.

Jay is welcome at Mary's house no matter what and I know she gets upset when he is with me.

If I really want Jay out of my life in which I am seriously thinking about as I am looking at the big picture, that would not be a problem. I know how to push his buttons or he just may leave on his own if you read on.. Sorry this is long.

I'm not afraid of any reactions from Jay. I am afraid that I won't make it financially without his help but the tradeoff is his mood swings and bouts of depression (he can't help it and see's doctors for his problems). He told me straight out about all his problems when we first met.

Looking back, we both put all of our cards on the table and he was honest about everything except Mary. He had first told me that she was his landlady because he was afraid to tell me the truth for fear I would not see him again. He was right, I wouldn't have seen him again. I would have told him to take a hike. Does that excuse his lie? No. Jay suffers from phobia's which I can relate to as I suffer from them as well.

Jay is not as strong as me, he has lived a very sheltered life, and before his accident where he was crushed between 2 trucks (that messed up his back and knee, he was in a wheelchair for 3 years) he functioned like a normal human being, sometimes working 2 or 3 jobs. He has one daughter from a previous marriage who he is very close with.

Then he meets me, a person who has been out of the relationship scene for over 10 years and is struggling with finances. He couldn't believe the stories I told him about how I have lived and survived. I thought he could handle my problems but I believe it's too overwhelming for him and causes him great anxiety. I know this sounds like excuses for him but I like to show both sides of the story.

He is in conflict about my situation and has even said to me that he doesn't know if he can handle it. I guess that's where the speeding came in and terrible music. Before he moved in with me I had asked him "Jay, do you really think you can handle my situation?" He thought he could but now he is having doubts and just may leave on his own. He recently said to me if he didn't love me so much he wouldn't be involved with me at all because of all the stress. He said he cares about my problems but he feels helpless as he is not a rich man.

Honest? I am no angel and have done terrible things to him during our relationship. I'm sure if he was the one to post about me, everyone would tell him to get rid of me! I have pushed him away, send e-mails to his friend Mary, I really did stupid things which I regret. So I react.

I am afraid I am left with some damage from my illness (I had a chronic bacterial infection) and it has effected my brain. I have not seen any doctors lately to confirm this and I think I should have this checked out. The old me would never do crazy things or react the way I have.

Is he abusive? I researched verbal abuse and according to what I read, no, he really isn't. Yes, he was speeding and I dramatized about that because I was in a horrible car accident when I was 17 years old when I almost died and I have my own phobia's as well as suffer from PTSD. He is an excellent driver but he was driving too fast and there is no excuse for that, especially when I told him to stop driving fast.

I dont know what I am going to do now. I know I need to sell my house to get these financial stressors off my back, with or without him. Funny, I always thought men were stronger compared to women but I am finding out that I am the stronger one in this relationship.

No matter what angle I look my own personal situation, it is very stressful and something I don't need. The answer is to sell my house and live in another state where the cost of living is much lower (I want to move to Vermont where my best friend lives with her family). I live in a very expensive city and I just can't afford it anymore.

He has told me that he has no problem paying me rent but he looks at the future and my financial situation and he is very worried, well, I am worried too.

I had a long talk with my older brother yesterday who has met Jay several times as well as other family members and he thinks we should not break up because we really love each. He thinks that the financial pressures I have are effecting our relationship and causing too much stress.

Jay wants me to take some action and start cleaning out the clutter from my house which I have not been doing. If I want to sell my house I need to go through my personal things and sort things out and I feel too overwhelmed by how much clutter I have (especially during the 10 years I was very sick and let everything build up).

Once again, I think I should go see a therapist. I am just overwhelmed with everything beginning with my own financial problems. When Jay and I are getting along we both want the same thing, to live a stress free life (we both know having some spats are normal) without the extra burdens of my financial problems. To enjoy life as we both enjoy the same things. When I take away the my financial problems out of the equation, we get along great. I never met anyone like Jay and to be honest, I never loved a man the way I love him.

My mind is filled with all sorts of overwhelming thoughts, should I do this, should I do that? Part of me feels guilty because Jay didn't just take on a girlfriend, he also took on my problems. So he reacts when it gets too rough just like I react. We are both passionate and intense people.

My instincts tell me that once I get my act together I will probably miss him very much if I decide to really let him go for good. He did not create my problems.. He just happened to get caught in my whirlwind if that makes any sense... I think any other man would have run away from me as fast as they could but Jay has stood by me and that must say something.. Obviously, I am confused.


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