It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Do you know what most men tell their wives when the situation is reversed? "GET OVER IT!!!" Most women, myself included, have bee left by a man we deeply, sincerely loved but who didn't love us back, and no matter who shattered we are, they don't even look back. Men are so much better at taking care of themselves and doing what makes them happy than women are. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be the truth. when my ex boyfriend left me, I was completely destroyed. I stayed in bed and did nothing but cry for months and months. I had to run to the bathroom a few times during every workday to cry my eyes out. I gained weight. I was miserable. I was heartbroken. Did he care? no. He was happy. I would have at least appreciated an apology for the lies he told me and how he used me, but actually, looking back, I'm not sorry he didn't come back to me. I would have sold my soul to the devil for him to come back to me, but now I can see what a mistake that would have been. And that's not a healthy kind of love, anyway. Now he's with someone who makes him happier than I ever could have. And as much as I am still angry that he was never sorry for how he lied to me, for HOW he left me and for how badly he hurt me, I still love him, and therefor am not mad at him for doing what he needed to do to find happiness. I could not honestly say I ever really loved him if I would begrudge him his happiness. I think the same is true for your husband. If your husband wants you back more than he wants to see you HAPPY, then he doesn't really love you.

So, you think you're supposed to spend your whole entire life either miserably stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage, or miserably racked with guilt because you had the audacity to live your own life to please yourself and go out and find some happiness. And why?? Did your ex cure cancer, create peace in the middle east or something? Why does he deserve to have you martyr your own happiness, your life at his feet like you were some kind of sacrificial lamb? Why do YOU deserve to be offered up on that alter? I think you need to start by figuring out why you don't think you deserve to be with a man who is healthy, stable, and who you truly love and who is truly able to love you back. Why your self esteem is so low. and it's not because of the guilt trip he is currently laying on you. It wouldn't be working as well as it is if you didn't start with such low self esteem in the first place. No one can make you feel guilty about anything but you. You are the one choosing to feel guilty and you are playing right into your ex husband's, rewarding him for wallowing in self pity. Hey, if he can't manipulate you into actually coming back to him, not out of love and passion but out of guilt, then he can at least destroy any happiness you might find without him. I don't know why you left him as you do not go into detail, but I'm guessing it was NOT so you could spend the rest of your life surrendering all your power to him, which is what you're still doing. Francine Hughes felt guilty for leaving her husband, too. His family poured it on, saying what a horrible woman she was for leaving Mickey. when he had a car accident, they guilted her into coming back and nursing him. He beat and abused her to such a degree that one night after a particularly horrendous night of abuse, she snapped and the only thing she could think of to save her life and the lives of her kids was to set Mickey's bed on fire, while he slept in it. A very very extreme example, yes, but much lesser examples of this is what happens when we surrender our power to people who just want to manipulate us. Chaining ourselves in a prison of our own making, whining and pleading for someone to become something they aren't, instead of just saying, "sorry, I care for you, but this isn't working for me" with honestly and respect and setting ourselves, and them, even if it takes a while for them to see it, free. Think of the most famous celebrity power couple you can think of. Whenever you see pictures of their ridiculously beautiful faces on magazines, do either of them look at all guilty as they carry all their glorious children through the paparrazzi because of the "friend" left behind? No. They are perfect for each other, and they are happy, as everyone in the world has the right to try to be.

I think you should sit down and make a list. Think long and hard about it, and put a lot of care and thought into it. Make a completely thorough list of all the reasons why you left your husband, don't leave anything at all out, no matter how trivial it may seem. Go back and remember every conversation, every dinner, every whatever. Go over it a few times, take your time and make sure it's complete. Then when you're done, make another list of all the reasons you would have for going back to him that have NOTHING to do with making HIM feel better, that have NOTHING to do with your guilt, only your love and passion for him, only based on the positives of your feelings for hiim and the life you had together. Then compare the lists, then be honest with yourself and really ask yourself if you deserve to rack YOURSELF with guilt. Only you can really know the answer, so only you can say. No one else has the right to tell you if you're being selfish, or wrong. Only you know what will make you happy, and only YOU will be unhappy if you don't get it.

Oh, and p.s., good thinking going it alone for a while, until you get your head straight on your own, but you need to clear out ALL the emotional junk that is working on your emotions either way. Go get your pets. If you are in an apartment that doesn't accept pets, find one that does and move asap. that will be one less thing for you to feel guilty about, plus having their company and staying busy with the business of loving them and caring for them again will make you feel more like yourself.
[QUOTE=AnnD;3729606][B]It would of been better if you had separated and were on your own before you had your affair but what is done is done.[/B] Now you need to take some time to yourself to at least put this marriage to rest and behind you. Get the divorce before you continue on with this new old flame. First thing you do is seek legal advise and stop paying for two places. File for a legal separation to start with so you aren't responsible for whatever debts your husband racks up. You are not responsible for him anymore. Get your stuff and animals from your old place and live in your own apt by yourself and finish whatever it takes to get yourself on your own and independent. If you can't stop feeling guilty then get a therapist to help you deal with those feelings. And stop calling him you aren't his therapist. Just focus on your own life.[/QUOTE]

Maybe the poster was right who said most men are very selfish towards their wives when they (the men) leave, but I also think it's good to keep in mind that each case is unique.

Yes, I agree that this (AnnD's post, above, in bold) would have been better, but very seldom, as far as I know, things happen that way. Anyway, hers seems to be very good advice.

You don't go into details about the intricacies of your 25-year-old marriage; therefore, it is hard to say how much of your guilt is warranted. In most cases like this, however, it is "natural" for people to feel guilty. They ask themselves: "Maybe I could have tried harder to save this marriage?" Possibly, you feel guilty also for having had the affair. Or having married a man without loving him. So, maybe your guilt is genuine, what do I know? Don't feel too gulty for feeling guilty. But don't let guilt and then pity lead you back to your husband. We don't know if he is now simply playing the victim, but apparently he is being rather immature.

I think you should acknowledge your mistakes. If adequate, you can even go as far as formally apologizing to your husband, although I think both parties need to apologize in the long run, but then after giving to "Caesar what is Caesar's", please move away from him, because he is not your child.
[QUOTE=Raeann;3730351]he came over Sunday to my apartment to drop something off he said. Instead he took a nap on my brand new bed and wanted me to fix him something to eat when he got up. I didn't and told him he needed to leave. Then of course I was racked with crying all evening and clear into yesterday. I just am having the hardest time doing this...:([/QUOTE]

His crying or your crying? Either way, not good. Rae, this guy is NOT healthy at all. What's going on with him is beyond your average depression. He's ill. He might be bipolar, it might be something else, I don't know, but the time to break off your ties to this man is now before he makes you any sicker. He's in serious, SERIOUS denial. Next time he wants to "drop something off" do NOT even let him in your apartment. Meet him outside and take whatever he is dropping off and leave. This man is sick, and you can't fix him. The only thing you can really do FOR him is give up your own life and be sick with him, and really REALLY don't recommend that. File for legal separation, get your pets and get him OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!!
I have to go to this (cat lover in me).... first. I think the idea of switching the apartment is a great idea, otherwise, I'd get another place that alows all your cats. It sounds like this is driving you crazy not having all your little guys with you (it would me).

As far as your husband goes... he has to work. Your guilt is allowing him to take advantage of the situation. I know how bad it is to lose someone but he has to move on... he has to work and restart his life. I understand you're feeling bad as regardless of whether you're in love anymore or not, it was along time to spend with him. ... BUT... you can't go back with someone out of guilt as you will be miserable, and he will never be able to find someone that really cares for him (hopefully he will learn that theres more to marriage then doing his own thing in the garage).

This sounds like a tough situation all around with your new guy living so far away. I know you want to get your head on straight but I can't imagine how you will unless your separate yourself from your husband. And.. the other posters are right.... he will not change. Are you in therapy, I would be there in a heartbeat to try to deal with what you're going through. Also.. is your husband ill?

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:57 PM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!