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Ok this is going to be a long story...just a lil disclaimer.
I'm actually kinda paranoid to put this out there.... just in case someone reads it who shouldn't (like the people involved in my story) but I think I'm pretty safe posting here.

Ok so my best friend is a guy (i'm a girl) he's been my best friend for years and years and somewhere in the middle of that we actually had a four year relationship. I was a horrible girlfriend... I cheated all the time... treated him basically like crap. I don't think I did these things (please hear me out) because I was terribly unhappy.... I did these things because I was young and dumb and have never been good at relationship 101.
I ended up leaving him for another guy whom I am still with and this has been almost 5 years ago. My current boyfriend and I had a baby together who is now getting close to two years old. I am unhappy in my relationship I have been unhappy in it for about 3 years now.... 3 out of 5 years isn't so good. It all really started when I became pregnant... my boyfriend was a total jerk to me (that's a long story so i'll skip it) we began sleeping in different beds.... we still sleep in seperate beds (well actually i'm the lucky one who gets the couch) and it's not because of any verbal agreement we ever made it's just how we are. While I was pregnant we also stopped being intimate (his doing) which totally killed my self-esteem (mind you i said i was a terrible girlfriend to the other boyfriend with this one i've been 100%) I don't cheat on him although at this point i might jump at the opportunity. I think overall i'm actually pretty nice to him.
Once I stopped being preg the intimacy thing never came back and it's not because I haven't tried he always has some exuse not to have sex (makes me feel pretty bad really... like he thinks i'm unattractive) all that aside... we don't get along on any level... we are very different people. I don't claim to be a genius but I feel he is below me mentally. He has this horrible anger and gets mad over the stupidest stuff.... calls names like a child would.
Okay now let's get back to where I started with the best friend. Even after I left him under such horrible circumstances... we stayed close. The x is the first person I think of when something happens like oh i have to go tell him... or if i'm sad... need advice... just need someone around he is always there. I have and have always had this incredibly strong bond with him. I am around him most days... we hang out all the time. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions here as to why the current is unhappy..... this x of mine and him are actually friends (it took about two years but it happened) I mean he even let him live with us for a few months after x fell on hard times... we all hang out together.... but me and the x hang out a lot more... There is no jealousy going on there and i've given no reason for either one of them to think otherwise. Come to think of it... i don't even think there would be anything i could do to make my boyfriend jealous he has this way of not caring about anything I do (he used to be extremly jealous before baby) it's like he got me pregnant became repulsed by me and never came back mentally.
I've recently had a health scare... well in fact it's still going on... but that's besides the point. When you face things in your life that could literally mean life or death you kinda start to look at your life and evaluate certain situations and that's what leads me to this board.
My x has not been in a relationship since we broke up almost 5 years ago... I don't know why... he's never really been in that many relationships... ok i guess it seems to me that unlike a lot of people it's not something he strives for.. but i've been thinking what ifs? Like what if he got a girlfriend and I was pushed to the back-burner? Because there is no way a female would allow that kind of close friendship with another woman... and then when I think about it I get really jealous. I think he should be allowed to be happy etc etc and yes i may be selfish but i'm very clingy (mentally not physically) to this x of mine. So after those thoughts came in to my head I started to question... am i still in love with him? yes... yes I am. I chased him (not obviously) for years before I got him and the same feelings I had back then are still the same as I have now. I admire him in so many ways.... he's always been a bit of a mentor to me. And most importantly I respect him... I have zero respect for current boyfriend... I actually can't stand him. I tried and i tried and i tried with him but after 3 years i'm still not getting anywhere... when is it time to just give up?
I'm afraid to tell my x my feelings afraid that it could ruin our friendship and i hate to say it but i'd be lost without my best friend. I don't know what to do. Last summer (after drinking quite a bit) i caught myself off guard and poured my heart out to the x on how much i still loved him etc etc (it felt to me since i was drunk like just a spur of the moment thing that i did) but now after all the thinking i have done.... it really wasn't so spur of the moment.
He turned me down flat... actually was kinda mean about it....also mentioned that i had a baby with my boyfriend and I should just stay where i'm at... and that our relationship didn't work for a reason and blah blah blah.. and i'm pretty sure he'd say the same thing if i mentioned it again.
He knows that i've changed in the relationship department (i've grown up) he knows how miserable i am all the time with my boyfriend... well he knows everything about my life. But I know he would pretty much so once again turn me down flat.
I should probably just leave well enough alone but i'm sick of doing that. I don't understand how he can be so close to me and not have any feelings like i do.... or maybe he just doesn't think about it. Everyone I know thinks that he must care for me greatly since he is always around me... always helping me in my life (and vice versa of course) but i think they are wrong.
Whats my question?
What should I do?
Leave things the way they are? Keep being unhappy where i'm at for the sake of my child? Just appreciate that i have someone like my x in my life and go on with it? Possibly ruin a friendship over my feelings?
Any suggestions on my issue would be great!
Thanks for reading.

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