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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=4bars;3736344]You are right, if you get along on every level but he wants to live above his income, he is not going to find anyone better than you, the same problem will resurface.

It is also normal for the affair person to be an escape from daily problems but like you said even if he married her, the financial situation may be worse and they won't make it. As of now it sounds like she has no plans to leave her husband. Might be interesting to see what happens if your husband becomes available.

My husband and I don't fight about money (or anything), he never called me a bi*** (or similar word )but I don't feel he ever really loved me romantically. Now that I'm talking divorce, he is being very nice and walking on egg shells. [U]Now[/U] he tells me how much he enjoys being with me and makes comments about how sexy he thinks I am. He doesn't want to lose the great situation he has. I know if we don't break up he will only cheat again since he thinks it is no big deal. By the way, I'm 50 and he is 60.

It really goes to show, no matter how good your marriage is, some men will cheat and some men don't get along with their wives at all and they don't cheat.[/QUOTE]

4bars--what you are describing your husband doing sounds exactly like what my FIRST husband would do after we moved because of his affair. He was never romantic with me, was a complete slob, never gave me compliments, he was like this from the beginning, but we were like best friends. I always felt like maybe he just didn't Love me enough and that he would someday find someone that he was really truly in-love with and would be romantic with her and not cheat. His next affair was with a married woman, and he didn't want to leave me this time, and did all the things you are describing. Saying things like--oh, I finally realize that I really do love you, writing me poems, telling me I'm pretty--after 15 years of nothing. It didn't feel sincere, and I had had enough. I do want to tell you--at the time I thought he would grow up and change, and maybe make a good husband someday (but for someone else) He treats his wife now, exactly like he treated me, and when they first got engaged he came home to (visit) his family here, but didn't bring her with him. I saw him out at the movies with a woman that lived in our neighborhood when we were married. And I am pretty sure that he was cheating on his second wife with the one he is married to now. He is pretty high up in his company and travels frequently and found the 3rd one while traveling. anyway, they don't change!!

Oh, my husband has never called me a b****, he says that I b**** (complain) about money, and her.

Why do you think that your husband cannot stay faithful. Has he given you any reasons why? What are you going to do, stay or divorce him? Are you finacially able to leave or do you have to stay with him for support? Are you his first wife, if not did he always do this? He sounds so much like all the other men out there, it is so sad.

I thought my current husband was different, he said and did all the right things from the beginning (except the money thing) showered me with compliments, gifts (not expensive), little letters, flowers, and all of that stuff is great, but it was what he said that was so wonderful, not the gifts. he looked at me completely. He didn't just say--oh you're so pretty, he pointed out the little things that he thought were beautiful. He told me that I made him feel whole, he told me that he would never treat me like my first husband did. I think he put me on this pedastal that no woman could stay upon, and when I fell off (because no one is perfect) he felt like I wasn't enough for him. Of course while we were dating I wasn't worried about his spending sprees, how much he spent on bed and breakfast places, cabins--he loves this kind of thing and took me frequently when we were dating. He could afford it then, he wasn't married, he had no car payment and lived with his parents at the time because of his first divorce. He had no bills at all. All he had was spending money, so then we bought a house. I wanted a cheaper one, but he couldn't live in those neighborhoods, because that would look bad to other people (appearances). And along with a house comes BILLS. He gave me the checkbook and told em that the bills were my responsibility, and when we couldn't go off and do the things he wanted to do, I suddenly wasn't enough for him. He wanted me to get a better job. And I looked, but I wasn't qualified to make more money. So I asked him if he wanted me to go back to college and get a bachelor's degree, but he didn't want student loans, he just wanted me to make more money. I've tried applying for jobs that I don't qualify for, and I don't get them. Then he met this other woman, and the cards and flowers stopped ( I haven't received flowers in almost 2 years) he stopped wanting to go to little cabins with me, he just wanted to go to her house every weekeend. My sweet gift surprises (that he would explain he took so much time picking out and looked perfect for me) became gift cards that he would run out the night before and get. And they only came on birthdays and holidays, not just because anymore. We still spend every evening and every weekend together, but he is different towards me, and doesn't respond to me like he used to. It breaks my heart. Even if he never slept with her, I lost him, he says he wants US back, the way things were, he wants me back. But I cannot be his girlfriend, I have to pay our bills. I have to be a responsible adult and say NO, we can't afford this! That's why he wants to date me after we are divorced, because then he can spend whatever he wants and it will just be us having fun again. He wants me like I was before we were married. I finally just stopped saying anything about what he spends, and let him buy anything he wants, and he is. But not on me. I got a card for my birthday, not even with a giftcard. He bought his grown kids stereo's and TV's though. And now he makes plans to go to cabins and resorts, but he invites his grown kids to come along, and then he pays for all their stuff while we are there. So he is even spending more money now than before, and it looks like he is spending time with me, but his kids being with us allows him to not have to be romantic with me, but still go places. And I cannot say anything in front of them about his spending or I will look bad. OK, I just figured that one out!!





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