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It keeps haunting me. I see it everywhere, in a song, a picture, a kid and an adults behavior. I just wish i could forget what has happened to me in the past 5 yrs. It took me 2 yrs to get over my first love. That was hard. I was with him from 17-19. Then now i met another man and after a yr of on and off dating i became pregnant with his son. I was torn at first since this child was planned, but then he decided he didn't want to be a father to "our child" B/c he knocked up some 16 yr old. ( Please don't feel sorry for me , i'm not coming on this board for pity party, i want to share my experience and maybe have others relate to me and they could use emotional support as myself. )

My mother contacted his mother since i was 20 when i found out i was pregnant. He never looked at me the same way. After dirty names annd a pregnancy of hell, he came to see me after 7mths of my pregnacy. It was weird him in my room, us watching The lion king 2 while our son kicked, at which i didn't want to share with him, nor have him touch me. I couldn't bring my self to let him have that intimate part of having his child. When i gave birth to my son, he was not in the room, my mother was. I let her hold him first. His father did show up 2 times and then a week after when brought him home, he came a few times. Then he began to doubt our son was his. In april of 04 i filed for a dna test/ child support. WE took the dna test and 99.999 he was the father and he got a court order to pay me a set amount a week. ( honestly due to the changing of jobs, i have not modified the order and he's always in arrears 6mths iof the yr and slow pays back.)

Then from July 04-Sept of 05 he saw his son 14 times. In Sept of 05 he announces he's moving to FL. Now mind you, he was playing house with both of us. He had a daughter with the 16 yr old and now she's 22. A year passes and i hear nothing from them. I recieve an im from the gf. She has had another Daughter with him. Meanwhile they are broken up in FL and just living together. In Oct 06 they decide to get an Apt together, my son's father was actually making enough to live out on their own. They lived for a yr on their own, in which my son's father played mind games with me several times they broke up, he would want me back and i was force to relive our past everytime. It was emotionally hard on me.

Ok lets speed up to Oct 07 they move back to NY and i get full custody of our son. I decided it was the right choice since he abandoned our son 2 yrs ago and fled to FL. I was living on what i had saved from previous child support checks. He started having parenting time from the end of Nov to Dec after christmas and stopped seeing him. 6mths had past and he invites me to a bbq at his mother's house ( mind you the parents are in FL and they have never met our son in the past 4 1/2 yrs our son has been born) Our son's aunt was there and she wasn't happy to see me. Earlier in Oct of 07, someone called CPS on them and it was not me. They had been drinking and using drugs in their apt and i couldn't bring myself to do it, so i'm sure someone saw since all their profiles of a certain site where open. The mother said get them out of my house and used some choice words. She doesn't know me and is so quick to judge.

We all met up again in aug at the mall. He hasn't seen his son since aug and we've been fighting left and right. At the end of Aug he wanted to date me again. I was hesistant. He broke up with her 3 mths ago and they were no longer living with each other. She lived with a friend and him with his parents. They even seprated the children one with her and one with him. Enrolled the older daughter in preschool and he sits online all day 3 days a week and works 4 days a week. I eventually wanted to date him and was going to try again, not b/c we had a child. it was selfish reasons and i was shell shocked when he said yes to dating me, we spoke online and on the phone a few times. Then it all blew up in my face. He was messing with my mind and enjoyed every second of it. I had to hear it from his ex. He didn't want anything more to do with me or our son and said its my fault i took him to get child support on him and that he'll never be the same till he don't have to pay it no more. He is dating a ugly fat cow. I feel sorry for her, b/c he is not going to stay loyal, he's always in chat rooms looking for a lay. Plus this girl is saving sex for marriage lol. Being the horn dog he is, watch a few weeks he'll be rid of her. I hope by that time i have a man in my life b/c he always goes back to asking me to hang out. my obession with this man has gotten to be too much. I know we will never be a family. When i'll i've wanted was a family. Even when i had the chance to be with him i hesistated. I just wanted to be friends with him if nothing else, but i guess we all can't have what we want.

I've joined a gym, i've started to read again, I am getting an apt in my parents house soon, that will be my new beginning, just have to wait it out , i'm thinking of going to college in Jan. I have a small group of friends, who i hang out with once every week or every 2 weeks. i've raised him with my parents help and i am greatful to have parents like mine who have helpd me a great deal. I am moving on one day at a time. Its hard not iming him, i don't call him so thats easy. I am stopping writing emails since he said he'd block me and i don't want that honestly.

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