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Re: Help...
Sep 25, 2008
I updated my post but maybe you didn't see it..yes, I am primarily focused on the relationship part, since this is a relationship board. I understand you're wanting her to finish, but I can't help but wonder why you've been with her for two whole years when it's pretty clear you never loved her, was never sexually attracted to her. On the one hand, it IS laudable that you want her to graduate on time, but what happens after that? She will have to find a job, and then keep a job. Pay the bills, raise her son. she will never be able to do any of these things lying in bed crying her eyes out. At some point she is going to have to take responsibility for her own emotions and her own life and take care of herself no matter what else is going on in her life.

I think ideally, you should have ended it the very second you realized she wasn't the one, and I'm guessing that was quite a while ago. But that's passed, so no sense worrying about that now. If you feel it's best to hang in there till she graduates, or even until new years is over so you won't spoil her holiday, then you can. But go all the way and stay away from this other woman until you officially break up with her.

I'm just saying where I'm coming from. I fell madly in love with a man once. At about the 6 month mark, he told me he wanted to take a break. I was pretty calm, I didn't want a break but told him that's what we should do if that's what he wanted. He wasn't sure, so it didn't happen then. He left me a few months later. I was torn apart. We tried to do the 'just friends' thing, ended up getting back together, then two weeks later he stopped kissing me, saying he was just 'not in the mood' and got angry with me when I questioned it. One week later he left me again. We did the "just friends" thing one more time, then he started throwing road blocks up when everything seemed to be going fine. We went ring shopping, talked about kids and houses, though things were a bit rocky, he told me he was glad he found me, felt honored to be with me, blah blah blah. One week later we had an argument about President Clinton and he said "i dont 'want to do this anymore" and I didn't know what tomake of it since I had heard it so many times before. He ignored my calls the next day, so I left a message saying once and for all, tell me in no uncertain terms what you want to do. He called me the next day and said "when I didn't return your call yesterday I would have thought you'd have gotten the message." He would have been happy to have just slipped away. I said 'but you told me you loved me!!" and he said "I thought I did but I was wrong." Anyway, it ended for good, and he copped kind of the same attitude you have. That he should be given brownie points for not breaking up with me if I was going to be really emotionally distraught about it. That he cared enough to try to be a good boyfriend even though he didn't love me and tried to follow it through till the end. But all I felt was the man that I loved had lied to me. He looked me in the eye and promised never to leave me and that he loved me and knew in his heart it wasn't true. It still feels like someone drove a knife that is ice cold and red hot at the same time right through my chest whenever I think about it, and it's been over 10 years. He's the only man I've ever kissed, so whenever I think about kissing, or see someone kissing on tv or movies, that's all I have to remember, and what a stupid fool I was, putting my face up to him kissing him, thinking he felt the same way I did, but now knowing he was just biding his time till he could make his escape. I would have had a lot more respect for him, and I would have gotten over it much more easily if he had broken up with me when he first wanted to instead of wasting two whole years of my life pretending to me, telling me things he knew he had no intention of following through on. I'm sure he still to this day thinks he was a good guy and that he did right by me, but it that's true, then why, 10 years later, do I still break down and cry whenever I think of how he lied to me? I understand why he left me, that's not what hurts. It's the LYING that kills me still. He told me he loved me when he knew he didn't. And that changed who I am to my core. So coming from that perspective, I'm sorry, but its hard for me to see how keeping a lie going is a good thing. If you think she will flunk out, then by all means stay with her till then, but like I said, there will always be something. Oh, she'll blow the job interview, oh but she'll blow this or that or won't be able to do this or that if I leave her now. I guess what I'm saying is, it's too late to apply this to your current situation now, you're kind of stuck with her till she graduates, but there is no way around it, she thinks you love her and are in it for the long haul and one day you will have to tell her you didn't really mean it, and you will have to hurt her. all I'm saying is, for next time, please, do yourself and the woman a REAL favor, and get out fast and get out for good the very second you know she's not "the one." That's all.

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