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So I got myself in a sticky situation. He has been broken up with his ex babys mama for 4 mths now. He was trying to get me to sleep with him. He'd make plan's and i'd say why can't we just go to the movies and hang out as friends. He don't want that. So i said we can just see what happens, but he always cancelled on me. We both have a child. (he hasn't seen him in 2 mths) He told me he'd rather pay child support (which he's actually paying now after a long time of nothing), then see him. I agreed. Our son doesn't need him in and out of his life and also i can't see him alone for my own selfish reasons. i have to stop obessing over there being an us, there never will be. I'm not in love with him. But i still have feelings for him, so i made up a bf.. half true.

i do have a guy friend i like, we had a date last sat, but he cancelled and he is in my profile. But my guy friend don't know i'm sayin we are dating. My son's father was like are you really dating someone and seemed sad. But i know its for the best even if its partially untrue. I have obessed over him 5 yrs now. I've dated 1 guy in the 5 yrs and it last 2 mths. It was a mutual break up. I tried to go out with my son's father, but it was more of a fight and wishing him dead, not talking to him and then talking. We both have unresolved feelings. We don't get along and its mostly b/c he's mad about the child support, but he should have thought about that before denying his son and not giving me any money to help out. I was working at the time.

His parents don't like me, his ex babys mama wants him back, so i know she don't want me dating him, even though she said in an email she don't care. His parents said he needs a new gf other than me and his ex. He was dating this girl for a mth but he said it got old.

I go on my sn everyday and he ims me. i tried to move on and i keep punishing myself. he keeps on asking me if my friends are single. They all think he'sn immature and would never date him b/c they respect our friendship and that crosses the line. I would never be their friend if they did that to me. i keep telling my self your better off with out him, he don't see your kid, yet his other kids live 10mins away from us and he sees them 2 times a week. Also every time i get together with him (we haven't been intimate in 5 yrs) then get into a big fight, mostly me i start it. Also i have bipolar and so does he. So you can see theres already so much going against us. It aggravates me. When he moves back to FL it will get better, thats what happened with another ex of mine, he moved outta state and i moved on. I want to be happy, but i don't know what happy is.

I also fibbed and told him i was working, when i'm not. I wanted him to stop getting on my ass about me not working. i'm a stay at home mom, b/c our son is disabled. I also recieve disability and so does our son. he don't understand and never will.

Things are looking up for me. I'm getting an apt in my parents house in 2 weeks and im excited. But it will just be me and Nico. I really thought it would be me, M, and Nico. I thought i'd get him back by now and i could raise his daughter with him. But i know thats a fantasy. Why do i let this get to me. I just want a REAL relationship, but not out of rebound or someone to replace him. I dunno if i want to go to college. but maybe it would be something to get me out of the house. I'd love to go to SUNY, but i can't due to finiances and my son is in half day preschool, gets sick alot b/c of his low immunities. I don't want to take online classes, i want to expirence the class room. I go out for walks, i've lost 71lbs in four yrs and i'm feeling good about myself. i'm working on myself.

Some times i feel like i have so much against me.. when will it get better?....

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