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Some of you may recall my previous topics dealing with my loss of a close friend (due to him moving away). I have realized I have been saying some things to my friend Darren that I really should not be saying.

I will admit that I love him as more than a friend, but I already have a boyfriend whom I love. For the three years Darren and I were in the same dorm, we conceived a deep friendship and did some things average friends don't do (we have slept beside one another a few times, for example). In short, we have a very close relationship.

Lately he has been talking about possibly dating a young lady he met in the town he now lives in, and I have not been taking that well due to these feelings I still have for him. We planned to have me visit him for my Thanksgiving holiday break, and he suggested he might be dating by then. I said if he was, I wouldn't bother coming because I would not want to be a third wheel, and because things would just feel awkward and different. I also had told him if he began to date, our friendship would basically become half of what it currently is. I realized only later how that sounded basically like I was giving him an ultimatum: Pick your date, or me. That was not my intention to make that implication to him, but in essence, what I'd said was true. He and I wouldn't be able to be as close if he was dating someone, and heaven forbid I were to meet this woman, because I would most likely hold a lot of contempt for her.

I'm not saying these things to intentionally make him feel guilty about dating, but they just slip out. I tend to say things I shouldn't when I'm sad. He felt really badly when I said in a fit of crying, "You have a great job lined up, you might be joining a band, and you may soon have a girlfriend. You won't need me in your life any more". I really do feel that way, but I know I should not have said it.

I don't want to end our friendship, and neither does he, but I think I may ask him as nicely as I can to not contact me for a while. My feelings are just not rational and I cannot be making him feel guilty for wanting to be happy...I might tell him that I need some time to sort out the thoughts in my head and to learn to see him as just a friend. The only bad thing is that 'some time' may last forever if I find I cannot get over him.

This wouldn't be so bad if Darren had not admitted to me that he also loved me as more than a friend, wanted to marry me, and said he, unlike my BF, was okay with my lifestyle choices. But out of respect for my current relationship, he did not push the matter on me. I do love my BF very much and I have no intention of leaving him (unless he gives me a reason to), and I realize in this situation, I'm going to be heartbroken no matter what.

Right now, I've been trying to basically desensitize myself to Darren by telling myself all of his flaws and trying to convince myself he and I would never work out. I will also tell myself that if Darren and I are destined to be a couple someday, it will sort itself out and all I have to do is be patient.

Would I be doing the right thing by temporarily cutting off contact with Darren? I don't know of any other way to handle the situation...I've been in this kind of place once before, but in that case, the chips fell in my favor and I ended up with the guy I loved. I don't think it will happen again.





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