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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi All,

I'm new to the board, and I need some advise. I'm sorry this is so long.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We're both in our mid-30's and both have careers. Before we got married we decided not to have children. (Though now he claims we didn't decide this)
I have thyroid disease, clinical depression, migrane headaches, and have just recently been diagnosed with a severe case of ADD. Needless to say I haven't been the happiest person to live with, but he went into the marriage knowing I had health issues. I've never had much of a sex drive, and the anti-depressants made it even worse. My husband stopped trying to have sexual relations with me because he said he was tired of being rejected. Despite this, he was always so patient and loving with me. Before the ADD diagnosis, my husband begged and pleaded with me to go to counciling, and to get help with my medical issues, and I always said I would, with the intention that I would, indeed. Somehow, time always got away from me, and to be honest, I was afraid. I'd had bad expierences with Drs. I didn't know it at the time, but this was classic ADD behavior. (Good intention, poor follow through.)
In any event, a year ago, my husband gave me an ultimatum: Get help or I'm leaving. Well, I got help and we started marriage therapy. The therapist wasn't a good fit for us, and at Christmas time we stopped seeing him. Again time got away from me, and I didn't find another therapist until the beginning of March. I asked my husband to go see this other therapist, and this one is good. We really like him. About this time, I also got the ADD diagnosis, and started on medication, which has changed my life. It was the missing link in my health issues. I haven't felt this good since I was 18, and I actually have a bit of a sex drive.
Well, in April, I came home for lunch one afternoon, and sat down at the computer; he'd accidently left his email menu open and there were messages there from a woman whom he'd never spoken about. Naturally I opened one and discovered very graphic things done between them that made me want to vomit. He'd been sleeping with this woman for four months. He works with this woman.
I took this in stride, and calmly confronted him about it (I'm not one to fly off the handle even in extreme situations.) After a month or so of conversation, (while still seeing the therapist) he decided he wanted a divorce. After many tears I acquiesed; what could I do? After taking this pragmatic approach, however he started crying and saying he didn't know what he wanted. This went on back and forth for 2 months. Finally, I couldn't take it any more and went to Florida to visit family for a week. The time apart did wonders, and he decided he wanted to work on our marriage. Since then, we've been going to therapy but my husband really doesn't take heed of what the therapist says. He says he will not set himself up to be hurt and rejected by me again, and he now claims he wants to have children, despite agreeing to a vasectomy 4 years ago. He didn't go through with the vasectomy, as the day it was scheduled we had a family emergency and we didn't make the appointment.
Let me back up just a bit. While all of the above had been going on, I'd had the suspision that my husband was having some sort of a midlife crisis. He's only 35, but thinks he's only going to live to 60 or so. This midlife crisis has come replete with a corvette. I agreed to the corvette, as he got a second job to pay for it, and hey, we weren't having kids, we could afford it. Also, my husband is a corrections officer and works in the prison system, which is a negative cesspool enviroment to be in day in and day out. I know his job is affecting his behavior and is adding to his depression. I've asked him repeatedly to go get some medication, but he won't do it.
Yesterday, I got on the computer to use the word processor, and there was a file name there, but the file had been deleted. The file was titled "Marie's resume." This was the woman with whom he'd had the affair.
Again, I confronted him calmly and he said she sent it to him because she wanted him to see it, and that they do talk and email. Needless to say I was upset. I think I have every right to be. As they work together, they have to speak, but they don't have to speak about personal things, nor do they have to email in my opinion.
Well, we talked things out, and he told me 'he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife anymore.' I then asked him if he was still physically attracted to me, and he said yes - very. He still wants to go to therapy, because, he claims, he thinks the marriage is worth saving.
Now that I'm healthy and seeing life through different lenses, I'm more open to the idea of having a child, if that is what he wants, but ONLY after we get our marriage back on track. Before the ADD medication, I felt so crappy all the time, the thought of having a child terrified me; if I could hardly take care of myself, how was I going to take care of a child?
He's still talking about the future with me, but finding remnants of that woman's resume on my computer has really set me back it was a giant kick in the teeth.
I don't believe in divorce unless there's abuse involved. I've watched my parents have their ups and downs in their 40 year marriage. They're still married and happy. My husband's mother is now on her 3rd husband, and he grew up with a revolving door of men coming in and out of his mother's bedroom.
When I said my marriage vows I meant them - all of them - for better or worse, rich or poor, in sickness and in health. I feel because of his upbringing he may have a cavalier attitude towards marriage. And while I understand that my lack of providing sex led him astray and hurt him immensely, I cannot take all the blame for the affair. I didn't force him into her apartment and tuck them into her bed. Am I wrong to think this? Also, let me say that I do not throw the affair in his face, I'm not a nagging wife, nor am I jealous - and I don't sqawk when he goes out with his buddies (which isn't a lot).
Although our sex life has improved (though only I iniciate it), he says we're more like best friends - which we are, we are best friends! I'm sorry, but I thought friendship was the foundation of marriage. That new relationship rush eventually fades, it always does.
I've done everything he's asked of me. I've only asked him to read a book about ADD and its effect on relationships, and he hasn't done it. He says, "I'm not a reader, I zone out when I read."
I feel as if I'm living in limbo, which is okay, because I meant my marriage vows and will see this through to the end, whatever that end may be. I never meant to hurt him with my behavior; I was so very, very sick. I had enough energy to go to work and that's about it. I'm not trying to make excuses. I understand his point of view and have, (and still do) felt tremendous guilt, because I honestly love him and want to spend my life with him. He is my heart and soul. (Cliche' but true)
Does anyone have any opinions on this situation or on his (or my) behavior? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Ladyrat1442





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