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Today is October 17, 2008 (11:28 AM)

I am a 28 year old male from Greenville SC. I dont know if I have BIPOLAR disorder or not. I have been told that I do by my wife & a counselor I talked to thought I could be as well as a Psychiatrist thought I could be. I have done alot of reading about Bipolar and am starting to see some similarities. but this is my story and this is my problem. So if you would please continue to read it and let me know what I can do to fix this problem on my hands.

About 8 years ago i was 20 years old and I meet what is now my wife. I feel completely in love with her and wanted nothing but to be with her forever. we dated for 5 years. then we got married. during those first 5 years I was a sucessful salesperson making $50k a year. I thought that was alot of money and it was hell i was only 20 - 25 years old. I lived at home with my parents and I saved everything. I bought a 500sl Mercedes and had $30k in the bank cash. & had the woman of my dreams. I mean my wife and I argued back when we were dating just like any other couple (maybe a little more hell i dont know but we always knew how much the other meant to us). My wife went off to college for 4 years and i stayed here at home and worked keep in mind we were still just dating and she and i didnt live together. we talked every single day. however she started to change a little while she was in college. becoming a bit more distant and starting to not like me calling as much. her roomate in college was a big party girl and a bit on the loose side (kinda slutty) and I was always concerned that my girl would end up going to parties and eventually i could lose her. I have always been very very scared that i would get cheated on. even though she never ever gave me any reason to worry. She was always very loyal to me. She did try to break up with me during her college years a couple times. I was able to talk her out of it thankfully. I remember one time especially that she told me that we needed to take a break. (WHILE SHE WAS AT SCHOOL) that was not an option for me I couldnt lose this girl! I loved her with all my heart. I told her that if she would please reconsider then I would propose to her within the next 6 months. She said ok. There is one other thing. There was this one particular ring that she wanted and she had said before (back some time couple years prior) that when she got married then that was the ring she was gonna get ( $14,700 ) a bit high i agree. I had asked her what if i cant afford that ring she said well i guess we can wait untill you can. Well I ended up buying that ring because she even asked about that ring again. so I knew how important it was to her. so a few months pass I havent bought any ring yet. Its been about 3 or 4 months since I told her that I would propose to her within the coming 6 months. Then one day while she was home she told me to go get an STD test that she had cheated on me with a guy at her school and said that she thought she could have caught herpes. she began crying and begging me to forgive her. That she was so so sorry and that she would hate herself for the rest of her life for doing that. It was totally not like her to do that (COMPLETELY LIKE HER ROOMATE) who had a big influence over her obviously. She told me that she got drunk and when she woke up he was there. Im not completely sold on that. Im sure that there was plenty of time leading up to that. It may have happend more than that one time as well. I dont know but anyways I forgave her & was so scared that I would lose her again, that within the next 3 months I proposed to her and bought her the ring she always wanted ( $14,700 ). I told you all that to tell you this somewhere around there i got introduced to online poker and started losing alot of my money that i had saved up. I had always been the guy that saved saved saved saved and saved. I lost $4000 in a 2 week period. Had to pull out of savings to pay it. Then started to chase my losses. long story short I lost everything except $15,000. The amount i needed to buy her ring. So i bought her ring. Over the next year before the wedding I continued to gamble away money i didnt have like my paychecks but she didnt know how bad my problem was & I was scared to tell her. We got married and I continued to have gambling episodes. It got to where I would play at work at home at friends houses. Wherever I could play & she knew I had a problem. We had to borrow money from our parents mine and hers. to pay for debts that i had created. oh & I forgot to tell you that Right after we got engaged. I got a job promotion that raised my income to over $110,000 the first year and a company car. I sold my 500SL mercedes of course to cover gambling debts. before we were even married. The reason I told you that is because I was making $50k before and had money in the bank and didnt gamble ever. I started gambling and was making $100K+ and didnt have a pot to piss in. The bottom line is that I have gambled away upwards of $90,000 with on line poker. Gambling is my poison that I never knew about. I dont drink, I dont do drugs. my problem is gambling. I am also OCD. as well as have an addictive personality. I am flirty to women as my wife says. and she has caught me texting girls from work before and has looked past it. I did go to counseling with my wife ONE time. We both didnt really like the lady and never went back. I have had battle after battle with gambling looses during and before our marriage that has made life a financial strain on us both. I have since quit gambling by making a concious effort to not gamble ever again as well as make a vow to my father that I would never gamble again my parents have bailed me out approximately $15,000 of the $90,000 that i lost. I now have horrible credit and nothing to show for all my hard work. My wife and I have never been able to have a close relationship during our marriage because we fight about money alot. We also had a child a little boy named Carter he is now 2 years old and the most precious thing in my entire life and in hers too. We love that little boy more than life itself. so fast forward with me to June 2, 2008. I came home from work and the entire house was empty and my wife was gone and my son was gone. I got served papers at work @4:45 pm that afternoon. I rushed home to find my house had been completely emptied and my wife had filed for divorce and left me. I dont know how i got in this situation. I will tell you this. The straw that broke the camels back as she calls it. She found out that I was using an online dating service to chat with other women online. When she found this out she said that she was finished. I can say that I totally regret what I did. I only was using the internet chat dating service to instant message and text women that i meet online and to help with my sexual fustration that I had been feeling from home. my wife and I had sex about once every two weeks if i begged for it. I had to sleep on the couch for the last year of our marriage. I never got the attention from my wife that I wanted during my marriage to her. I never got the sexual attention either. I felt the whole time we were married with the exception on the 1st month of my sons birth that my wife didnt love me and that she didnt like being married to me. The reason was because she hadnt ever forgiven me for losing all that money. I dont blame her for being mad but I had never been that guy to cheat. I just am a very sexual person and begged my wife for sex for the past 3 years and she hardly ever gave me any. our relationship got to the point that we were never just roomates i felt like. even though we loved each other there were problems that never got taken care of and I did things that eventually ruined my family. I can say this I never had sex or any physical enteractions with anyone outside of my wife. only in the cyber world of internet / text. It was a way for me to channel my sexual desires and satisfy my sexual wants since my wife was unwilling. keep in mind were 27 and 28 years old and not even sleeping in the same bed if we had sex we did it in the bed and then i told i had to sleep on the couch after that. I mean really guys. I dont know how that is right. but anyways. I was very hard to wake up every morning of our marriage because i would stay out very late at night during our marriage either gambling at a poker game or at my best friends house. I would not ever be out doing stuff i shouldnt be doing like chasing women i honestly just hung out at his house or we would go out to a bar but i never had any relationship with anyone during my marriage to my wife. I do know that I should have never been out like that i should have been at home with my family. but for some reason i stayed out all night long. so when i came home at 4 or 5 am and went to sleep on the couch she would wake me up at 7 am for work and i would yell at her ugly things. I didnt mean to be ugly I was just so tierd that I would be half out of it and say things i didnt mean. I think that my wife was the way she was during our marriage only becuase I was the way I was. I honestly think that given the chance to redo everything knowing what i know now. I think If i would have stayed home with my family and been the man i shoulda been my wife woulda treated me the way i needed her to treat me and be there for me. but anyways my question here is what would make me go from the good ol boy that went to bed early never got into trouble didnt drink saved money never smoked weed. never did anything like that. to getting married and going off the deep end? and eventually loosing everything? Oh and I became the biggest liar you had ever meet. I lied about everything.

as you know my wife left me on June 2, 2008. She tells me she is never coming home. I am trying so hard to change my ways and live the life that I shoulda been living all along. I have done well so far. I do have little episodes about ever 2 or 3 weeks that I will get all upset at her and fustrated because i cant seem to get her to come back home. She does say that if she "KNEW" things would be different she would come back immediately but theres no way for me to guarantee her that she says so she wont return. I need some advice 1st why does it seem like my life goes in cycles. and 2nd why did this happen to me why was i such a good kid and good up to proposing to my wife and about the same time i proposed to her I started to loose a grip on reality. I have gone from good kid to a horrible person in a matter of 4 years. Whats happend to me. I dont know what else to do.






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