It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hi all. Im usually found on another board here, but I wanted your opinions on this subject. Alittle background: I am 41 years old, been married for 4.5 years to a man who has 3 children from previous marriage who I am very close to, and have a great relationship with. 2 years ago, and 2 years into the marriage, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. To see me, you would never know that I have this disease. I work fulltime, I work out- Im in great shape physically; however I suffere from many of the "unseen" issues which accompany the disease, mainly fatigue and anxiety.

Initially, i went thru all the testing and dx alone- my husband refused to take time off work until he learned that there 'really" was something wrong with me. Once we learned what it was, he immediately took the attitude that we would deal with "it" when or "if" we had to...that confused me. Im dealing with it now. Sure, Im not in a wheelchair- Im still able to work, but Im also terrified of my future. He is seemingly unconcerned.

I married a very stubborn man. For the first 3 years of our marriage, I gave into everything he asked and did things "his way" because I think that I was afraid to lose my security. he supports us, holds our health benefits (very VERY important to me) and basically controls the income. About 8 months ago, I started questioning this....now more aware of my disease and less afraid of it- im also very aware that putting things off might not be in my best interest. 10 years from now, I dont know where Ill be healthwise- so why put off the things I want to do until retirement, when I feel that I should take advantage of TODAY and my good health? I started venting my frustration to him, asking for small things- having some money from my paycheck put into my own checking account (I currently dont have one) seeking the ability to travel across the country to go see my best friend who moved a year ago ALONE- all of these things started him on a tangent of "youve changed" lectures.
Maybe I have. I guess I have. I have a chronic illness which Im trying to both control, learn about, and not let it "own" me. with that, i have things I want to do.
I started making changes. I just accpeted a high pressure Directorship job, probably not a good idea with my disease, but necessary to line up my "ducks" in case I have to both support myself and carry my own health benefits. Actually Im pretty excited about this. I managed to finish my MBA and get this job after finding out I have MS and while working my butt off to manage this disease. Getting the job helped me gain back my confidence. I start it on Monday. Im also having my checks direct deposited into my own checking account- which he doesnt know about- yet. Ive signed up for health benefits, as I will have to wait a year for the "preexisting condition" to be covered...Ive set myself up to survive.

Last night, my husband told me that he has been unhappy with all my changes- he wants his "wife" back. The truth is, I cant go back. I cant feel like a doormat any longer, cant take the fights about things like wanting to see my best friend, or have my own spending money...ive taken care of him and HIS kids for 5 years now. Ive done an excellent job, he agrees, but this is the person he wants back..not the person who Ive grown into. Im starting to wonder if he needs a wife or a mother . I still love him with all my heart, but i dont like him or the way he treats me. Im scared to start over and yet I feel that if I can make this job work, Ill really be able to do it.

Does anyone have the answer to the question,. when do you stop trying to save it? By the way< ive been in therapy for this relationship for 2 months now, he refuses to go stating that this is "my problem" and " i need to get fixed" not him.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Since you were very honest and open in writing your detailed post, I'll be honest and open with you.

[QUOTE=MSNik;3768062]

Initially, i went thru all the testing and dx alone- my husband refused to take time off work until he learned that there 'really" was something wrong with me. Once we learned what it was, he immediately took the attitude that we would deal with "it" when or "if" we had to...that confused me. Im dealing with it now. Sure, Im not in a wheelchair- Im still able to work, but Im also terrified of my future. He is seemingly unconcerned.[/QUOTE]

Either he's incredibly naive, or doesn't care all that much. To me, I would be scared to death if my spouse showed [B][U]any[/U][/B] signs of this. Not sure what I'd do without him and to even think of it, is very distressing. Your husband probably "cares", but isn't big into demonstrating it. Is he aloof?

[QUOTE]I started making changes. I just accpeted a high pressure Directorship job, probably not a good idea with my disease, but necessary to line up my "ducks" in case I have to both support myself and carry my own health benefits. Actually Im pretty excited about this. I managed to finish my MBA and get this job after finding out I have MS and while working my butt off to manage this disease. Getting the job helped me gain back my confidence. I start it on Monday. Im also having my checks direct deposited into my own checking account- which he doesnt know about- yet. Ive signed up for health benefits, as I will have to wait a year for the "preexisting condition" to be covered...Ive set myself up to survive.[/QUOTE]

Sounds to me that deep down inside, you know what the answer to your questions are already. Obviously, you wouldn't have done these things had you not been thinking of risk management. Very smart on your part, I might add. Even if things improve in your marriage, it's a good idea to keep things separate. And, in today's day and age, having two different insurance policies is very prudent. Hopefully, you'll carry each other on your respective poliices....Never know with today's escalating insurance costs. We have two policies and although I don't like paying for them both, they certainly come in handy. Quite often, one will pay for one thing while the other won't and then vice versa. We also bill both sometimes and when you do, your co-pay is usually zero.

[QUOTE]Last night, my husband told me that he has been unhappy with all my changes- he wants his "wife" back. The truth is, I cant go back. I cant feel like a doormat any longer, cant take the fights about things like wanting to see my best friend, or have my own spending money...ive taken care of him and HIS kids for 5 years now. Ive done an excellent job, he agrees, but this is the person he wants back..not the person who Ive grown into. Im starting to wonder if he needs a wife or a mother. [/QUOTE]

This is the worst of what I read in your post. I can't believe the things that come out of some people's mouths sometimes. Not only is it very insensitive given what you're going through, but the sad thing is, he probably means it! You should tell him that you want your old husband back....The one who married you five years ago....The one who was supportive and pledged to stick by you in sickness and in health. I don't mean to stereotype, but because he's divorced once already, he probably has some relationship issues. This isn't the case for all divorcees, but it sounds like it is for him.

[QUOTE]I still love him with all my heart, but i dont like him or the way he treats me. Im scared to start over and yet I feel that if I can make this job work, Ill really be able to do it. [/QUOTE]

This is the best of what I read in your post. If you truly love him and feel he's your soulmate, then he's worth fighting for. However, he needs to step up to the plate and start attending counseling with you. Ask him why is it "your problem" when he's the one saying he wants his old wife back. Like you said, you can't go back in time. You can't wave a magic wand and cure yourself. Surely he's not that big of an idiot? Sounds as if he's saying this just to be saying it.

I really would try to get him into couples counseling, where a mediator can objectively assess things and make recommendations. Additionally, maybe a good counselor could really "reach" him so he could see actually what's going on. Tell him that if he truly loves you, he'll go at least once...For you. Get him there by any means that you can. You may even need to lay down the law in terms of challenging him a bit. And, make sure he counselor knows ahead of time that it may only be a one and done deal...That the session will have to be impactful for him to come back.

Lastly, please continue to protect yourself financially "just in case." Who knows, maybe some of these comments are foreshadowing on his part....You really need have a back up plan and some money stored away. Hopefully, it won't come to that, but as you learned in getting your MBA, successful companies have contingency plans and good risk management. Successful people do the same. Certainly can't hurt.

Take care, and please let me know if I can help further. I really admire you for who you are and how much you have accomplished given what you're going through. Obtaining an MBA is no easy task. It was difficult for me and I was healthy at the time....Can't imagine doing it with health problems.

Regards,

Ex
Deleted


While somewhat familiar about what's been going on in your marriage, I was still surprised at some of the things your husband said to you. I don't know when to call it quits, but I'm glad you are starting this new job, and very glad that you will be less dependent on him.

Nikki, there's no way that you're the same person now than you were pre-dx. MS has changed my life in a million ways, including my relationship, and I don't see how it's even possible that MS [I]wouldn't[/I] change someone. I think that in your (and my) case, MS has changed you for the better. I imagine that you were strong before, but pre-MS Nikki wasn't as strong as you are now; I'm sure of it. If he wants you to go back to his "old wife", that is an impossible request. The fact that he can't see how you really are now, sicker and with some limitations, but also strong as heck, smart as a whip, supportive, a wonderful friend who bring the best out in people (thanks!), a woman whose ambition has blossomed; [I]it doesn't do him any credit[/I]. It sounds like he's completely blind and in denial of everything that is of any importance to you.

I know he's been resistant to couples counseling before--didn't he go with you to one or two sessions before? Maybe he'll agree to try it again, if he realizes that there's dire need. There also may be the possibility that he could go to a really great therapist for years and not learn anything. You know what kind of work I do, and I've seen this lots of times.

The fact is that you LOVE him. I know, my husband has said things to me that I can't believe, but I am still in love with him, and you know how MS is really a family/relationship disease. I totally understand that. What kind of reward are you getting for loving him? Are you in love with him, or do you see him as a good friend or brother that you love in a different way? I am concerned that he is not loving you in the way that you deserve. I am also worried that giving in to his needs and avoiding conflicts with him will prevent you from achieving and succeeding at all the plans you have, and having regrets in the end.

You are very intelligent, strong, ambitious, and you know how to cope with extreme difficulties and how to support and show empathy to others in need. You saved me from sinking into a depth of despair that I may never have gotten out of. You have made an expert of yourself about your disease, and you have educated and soothed others, plus you have a great sense of humor! My goal in saying all this is to EMPOWER you. You have spent so much time empowering others, at home, at work, and the MS site, that perhaps you forget to empower yourself.

You have done everything right, and you owe it to yourself to be happy. That's what you should aim for.

I will be looking on this site for you, and I'll support you know matter what you decide. I also want to hear about the new job, and I was happy to read your feelings on putting in your notice!

In any event, do what you need to do. I suspect you already know what that is. It may be the most devastating thing you've ever done--we've both said that MS is easier than Marriage with MS. Even though we haven't "talked" for awhile, I'll be on any site you're on to offer support and friendship.

Let us know how things go, if you ever read this! You are in my thoughts everday!





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:55 AM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!