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i think the same thing tell her you,ve met somone who's after you for sex and see how she reacts but make sure she knows ur not after them that u'd rather have her but this woman is defintly after you and ask her how u can deal with it,

she,ll either get real jelous and tell u how to deal with it and bedtime will be great or if she does,nt then maybe shes having an affair herself

then again maybe she is fed up of sex coz of the pills shes takeing depression is altogether a fed up given up kind of thing that does happen to the best of people

maybe if your happy living ur life with her it would,nt be a bad thing if u did get ur wicked way with someone else once in awhile would help what she does,nt know wont hurt her

but whos to say what will happen with the woman u sleep with it could turn nasty and if ur wife found out

but u have quite a good excuse if it did all get out i mean she must know ur feeling down about her affection towards u

but then again thats a plan and even more decietful than having a fling coz most flings just happen there not thought about it just kind of happens

but thinking about it will make u a rat and thats excatly what u,ve done ur thinking about it !!!!

in two minds which in away makes u a good man too for not just jumping in when the situation arised

why not just do it urself kind of thing and fantasize

its that or a storm will start to brew all over getting ur leg over

and who's to say u loose ur sexual drive in a couple of days weeks years then what

its not all about sex i,ll bet u,ll be thinking !!!!
I have read a lot of interesting replies to my situation. Some of you have told me what I really already know....that I should not be having an affair. I knew that before anyone told me and I honestly did not expect anyone to tell me that it is ok. There have been mixed postings about getting a divorce and I know that is an option, maybe not a good one though. How do you walk away after over 30 years? Where does a 53 year old man start over? That is definitely stepping out into the unknown.
One previous posting suggested a massage. I have said that I will not initiate any action anymore since my actions appear unwanted. I also will not bring this subject up with her anymore as well. She has made it quite clear that she does not want to talk about it and when we have talked about it, seems it causes more ill feelings.
Last night, she did move a little closer to me in bed, not touching closer, but more at the middle of the bed. She also took her foot and was rubbing my leg just above the knee. Ok, I thought perhaps she was trying to in her subtle way attempt to initiate something, not sexual, but at least touching and cuddling. I reached over, put my arm across her side, and that was it, no response. Thinking about the massge, I asked if she wanted me to rub her back, to which she replied "If you want to." So she turned her back to me, I pulled up her gown, and rubbed and scratched gently her back. After a few minutes of rubbing, I stopped and I was told, "Thanks, I needed that." Well I needed something too, but did not get anything in return.
If you detect a certain amount of frustration in my writing, you detect correctly. I have done a lot of writing over the past few weeks in the form of a blog. With this I have found I don't write anything very short and do not mean to get long winded. At least this helps somewhat to vent in some form. Not sure what the next step is, I hope I keep getting feedback on these forums. I have been praying everyday for an answer to all of this and I have not given up there. God may be talking to me in a response that I read here. If any of you believe in prayer, please put in a word for me as well.
I feel for you too. Obviously, your wife is not living up to her vows and you are absolutely right to feel frustrated and to feel sick of the rejection. What you need to figure out is the true reason why your wife is not interested in fostering the intimate aspect of your relationship. Does she still love you? Is this about you? Or is it about her? Is it really because she is depressed? She may not be up for sex because of depression and she may pull back from you because she doesn't want to tease you. Maybe she feels it would be unfair to snuggie up next to you only to pull away just when you're getting into the mood...thus the frigidity.

Does she know to what extent this bothers you (meaning..would she ever know that you'd consider the possibility of divorce or an affair?? or would that be a complete shock to her?). A discussion about this in a gentle manner might be appropriate..though I would NOT flaunt that you have a woman that wants you physically. That will not go over well. But I do think you can convey that you are unhappy, lonely and that you feel she isn't living up to her vows. Communication is always good..it just has to be done in the right way. You do seem like a really sensitive man and I think it's great that you are looking around for advice on this matter.

truly, if you do love your wife and there aren't other problems with your marriage, I'd consider marital counseling before divorce. 30 years IS a lot to throw away if you are otherwise happy together. If there ARE other problems and you've fallen out of love, then divorce may be a viable option. Don't be scared about starting over..there are plenty of people who do it. But it's a big consideration and I think it should really be a last resort after you've exhausted all options with your wife....

Do you two have children together?? If yes, is she affectionate with them?
To me this pretty much hits a sore spot because my husband threw away 12 years of his life being used by a woman that didn't anymore love him than a pair of old worn out slippers...but she was(is) helpless and could not take care of herself so she just used him to pay her way and a roof over her head. She didn't want him to touch her at all but yet he just stayed with her...I suppose he was afraid she'd be too hurt if he broke up with her. He just sat there doing nothing getting older and older...finally she decided she was ready to move on and wanted to date other men but ended up still mooching off of him for a couple more years because she had no place to go...talk about a moocher. So when it's all said and done...it comes out that the real truth to her frigidity is that she was having an affair the whole time they lived together and was in love with this other man. The other man didn't want her living with him so she just had her cake and ate it too. I hope that there's not anything so sinister going on with your wife! OH but it gets better...now she follows him around the web every day...ugh...crazy people out there!!!!!! It's like she wants him but she doesn't want him...doesn't make a lick of sense to me!:mad: Apparently 12 years of life stolen wasn't enough for her...she needs to just keep sucking more and more life out of him...going on 16 years now if you count the stalking!

If I had to guess what's going on with you and your wife, I'd guess that she's there because she is comfortable and is being taken care of. She probably feels toward you like you are a brother or a really good best friend. I doubt that she is still IN LOVE with you. She probably has never even stopped to think that you'd divorce her or have an affair because she trusts you. In my mind I cannot comprehend a sexless marriage and a man that would just do without...it's just so not man like...if that makes sense. I mean men NEED sex...or at least most men crave sex...it's just a fact of human nature. It actually makes me angry that my husband put up with suck behavior and what the heck was he thinking and that he let her use him for so many years.
[QUOTE=rbmscc;3794105] We had lunch today and talked about this and she made it clear to me that I am, as she put it, "off limits." In one way I was disappointed, but then on the other hand, I know better. [/QUOTE]

Why didn't you invite your wife to lunch instead?
What sorts of things do you do for/with your wife that are not necessarily explicitly sexual? For instance, do you open the door for her? What do you do to make her feel special? Do you take her out to dinner? (And I don't mean the last minute Saturday-night-let's-go-to-the-steakhouse routine.) I have one---ask her if she wants to play Scrabble on Thursday night. SHake it up. Don't be typical.

I would highly suggest you read the book The Five Love Languages.

You know that it is wrong to have an affair. You have said that yourself. So stop it right now. Get your butt in gear. God sees your thoughts, too, you know...He knows your needs. You should turn to your faith. Seek scripture that talks about patience and being tested, and that it reveals our true committment. I know you want to feel affection, desired, sexually satisfied. I KNOW. And how amazing it would feel---whether it was this woman at work or someone you met in the market---so show interest in you! So don't throw away a HUMAN BEING you love (your wife) for the sake of FEELINGS you long to have. Breaking another human's spirit is far worse than going without for awhile. Yes, I know, and for you---a long while.

Your wife's depression certainly can't last forever. But if you cheat on her---will not THAT have eternal implications?!?!

Counseling is a must. I think, with the counselor present, you need to mention to your wife how much you love her deeply and want to support her. But also, that you have these sexual and emotional needs that continue to go unmet. Ask her, if honestly, she wants to satisfy you in this way, and that if she thinks she would EVER be willing to again. Every relationship will have its problems---huge problems!

Would you rather be the man who starved of sex and affection but stayed true to his wife and able to say when all this passes that you withstood the tests and temptations? Imagine the depth of love that would reflect!

Or would you rather be the man who says "sometime people change and it doesn't work out" and end this marriage? the ballad of our impatient, me-me-me culture.

It sucks for you. It really does. But guess what---that's just how it is. So get over it. Sometimes we have to go without when it seems like everyone else is getting what they want.

Stop focusing so much on how things make you "Feel" but rather what can you do today to make someone else's life better?

You have to do the right thing---no matter what it costs you in this life and no matter how incredibly ridiculously defeated and hungry it makes you feel. Always do the right thing. No matter the cost.
I will start this reply by saying "Wow." And then on the other hand I may would want to say "Now wait a minute, why are you jumping on my case?"
But then I opened the door and asked for it and you said a lot of things to me (and perhaps someone else that reads this that it may help) that needed saying. I have prayed about this and I really think my faith and my talking with God is why I have not acted on my feelings. Partially because of my own conscience and the other part because I really think God is not allowing this to happen. What is really ironic about your posting is that some of what you have said ran through my mind as I was on my way to work this morning.
To answer your questions though, I do things for my wife. I took care of supper for her when she got home from her work tonight and I cleaned up the dishes. We do go places together and go out to eat a couple of times a week. I do hold the door for her and do other things for her. She does things for me as well. You bring up some very valid, thought-provoking points. I actually have questioned myself on the "value" of sex. Am I being selfish? Is getting some outside worth the cost? I know it is not, or should not be, about me, although it may sound as if it is. I do want her to want me as much as I want her, but not sure when that will ever happen.
So thanks for your bluntness and I will continue to pray about it. My beliefs tell me that what I want to happen in the time that I want it to happen very well may not be be the same as how God has it planned out to happen. I do appreciate any prayers anyone offers concerning this.





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