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Relationship Health Message Board

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Well, I think there's a big different between holding a grudge and learning who you can't trust. Like, if someone is a good friend, it by and large very loyal and trustworthy, but they borrowed a few bucks and forgot to return it, or they invited that person to go to a concert and didn't even think to invite you, those kinds of things are mostly not just a maturity issue, but a learning how to effectively deal with conflict issue. If it sticks in your craw, you can respectfully, politely but firmly let them know why. If they are a good friend, it could be they just didn't realize, and will apologize, and then life can go on. But if you say you accept an apology, then you truly should, and then find a way to embrace all the good things about that person, and let go of that one slight. EVeryone can be occasionally shortsighted, self absorbed, or can make a mistake.

BUT...if someone reveals a side of themselves that you didn't know existed, not just one isolated incident, but revealed a part of who they are that you can't deal with, then that's not holding a grudge. For example, a co-worker of mine, who is mostly a generous, kind, compassionate man, made what I considered to be very very racist comments that really shocked me. After he revealed that part of himself, I could no longer see him as I used to. Our working relationship is pretty much the same as it's ever been, we are very corgial, but now that I've seen behind that door and I know what's there, I will never, ever see him the way I did before, I don't trust him like before, and there are parts of me and my story that I would have shared with him before, but I would never share now, knowing what I know about him now. That's got nothing to do with holding a grudge, that's just getting to know someone and knowing where they are trustworthy, and where they are not, and you reassess and recategorize them.

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