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I've posted before about the ups and downs I've had lately with my boyfriend of nine months. I'm 29 and he is 34. He has been asked to relocate for work 300 miles away to a state we both hate and do not want to live in. It is the same title and role, not a promotion, but more challenge and responsibility and maybe a little more money. He wants to accept it and take a chance on it. And he wants me to move with him. We've been really shaky lately. He nearly broke up with me earlier this month and I am just starting to establish confidence in him and us again. I've done long distance before when an old boyf moved for work. We tried, we failed and we watched all of the good drain out of it as it died a slow, agonizing and resentment-filled death. Distance would only drive us into the ground, it would absolutely destroy us. In my mind, we are not strong enough to survive it.

He is sure we would work out. He said he wants me to move with him and be with him there, that it is not permanent, that he feels he needs to do this for his career and he wants to accept the challenge, but he wants me there, too, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, as he said. I get where he is coming from -- he may be bored with his work here -- but it does not meant the first opportunity for change is the best. There may be other opportunities here in his current job, to take new projects or try new approaches. He could try to find a different company to work for locally if he doesn't think he'd be happy staying in his current role and district. He just said he doubts he could, that there are barely any jobs in the field and it'd be hard to find anything. That other companies may not be as strong as his and he could switch jobs and be unhappy or get laid off. The thing is, if he wants me to move and leave my career here, he is asking me to take that risk -- a huge risk with my livelihood, finances and esteem. My occupation is also very specialized and my position is rare; it is very hard to find jobs in my field and industry. Not impossible, but also hard, especially in the economy we are in. It may be me who is stuck without a job, or in a lower position, going backwards in my career. I could hate it or get downsized, too. My current job is fulfilling and stable. I know I don't have to worry about being released due to economic conditions. He is asking me to take a much bigger gamble than he is taking. And I don't feel good taking it.

He is very much a risk taker, a "we'll figure it out" type of person. He worries about bills when they come, he gets into situations and then tries to work out of him. I am cautious and planned. I calculate my moves. I think things through before I decide. His thought is that life is unexpected and I should take a risk with him and see how it pans out. I need stability, metrics and a plan. And we've had some ups and downs lately. We nearly broke up earlier this month. I told him because of that we are fragile and I am fragile. That I don't have total trust in him and in us right now and you need a stable, solid relationship to make such a huge move. I am petrified I would give it all and move with him and have him freak out and leave me. That I'd be alone in a strange place with no friends, no family, no connections and maybe no job or income. To me, no identity.

He is upset that I can't see it working out. The only end to the distance would be me moving at some point. I hate the state he is moving to. He does too. He says to give him two years to get established and then we could move back. I told him two years isn't any plan to live by, that things could change. That in two years would he really be ready to come back and would he even have the chance to do it. He said if he didn't he'd switch jobs then. But obviously you can't make decisions like that, you never know. He wants to settle in the state we're in now, to raise a family here where his family s and our friends are. But who knows if and when that would be and if it would happen. I am willing to try the distance because I love him. I will accept and respect his decision to move because I have no choice. I will do what I can to support him. But I feel so sad that he is making a choice he knows could very well end us. If I beg him to stay and he does, he resents me. If he leaves, I resent him. I wish I was more positive, but I only see negative outcomes of this.

Of course, it's the worst time for all of this. Just when we start getting back on track, right at the holidays. I have three days ahead of being on and smily in front of his family. Three days of trying to hold myself together when everyone will be asking me if I will be moving with him. I am just a wreck. We talked and argued most of the night and I wound up crying myself to sleep on the couch. It just hurt to be in the same bed with him last night because I was upset. I really hate drama, I hate all of this. I hate feeling so out of control and hurt.

I can't help but take it personally. That he is choosing a work opportunity, and not even a fantastic one, just one opportunity that came by, over me. That he is willing to gamble me in this and lose me. If he needed work or was going to make a lot more money or was getting a promotion, it'd make more sense. But it is none of that. I feel selfish but I can't help but be it in this right now.





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