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I need him....
Nov 30, 2008
My boyfriend & I have been together for 4 1/2 years. 2 weeks ago we broke up. He is going through some terrible things with his family. His parents are filing for bankruptcy for the second time in the 4 1/2 years I have known him. The stress of their financial problems has lead his parents to abuse alcohol & prescription drugs. His sister also has a drug & alcohol addiction & is still living at home. 3 months ago he moved out on his own because he couldn't stand what was going on at home, constant yelling, crying, abusing alcohol etc. I thought his moving out (alone, not with me) would help but it's gotten worse. His father won't talk to him because he's decided that my boyfriend walked out on the family during their time of need. His mother was visiting & keeping in contact until about month ago when she told him either he gives them $5000 or she wants nothing to do with him. She harasses him for money through emails & calls. He is not willing to give his family the money for many reasons 1) It will go to support their addictions 2) His mom & sister seem to have enough money to get their hair & nails done every week, they still have things that aren't necessary such as satellite tv etc 3) He feels extremely betrayed. He feels likes he has nobody in the world, the rest of his family are in Europe, they are all he has.

For the past month he has started to spend the majority of his time with work "friends". Since he has started hanging out with them he ditches me, has started smoking pot (which he HATED & never touched before), drinking (also never did this, he hated alcohol) and who knows what else. He is driving while high, which scares me to death. Him & I have certainly never had the perfect relationship, we fight over stupid things on the regular. The fight that lead to our break-up was trivial. He made a stupid joke that I didn't like in the car, I rolled my eyes & he snapped, yelling about all the things I do wrong in our relationship. Sometimes I don't feel respected or appreciated by him, but if I tell him these things it turns into a horrible argument & a break-up.

I love him, I care about him & want to be with him & only him. We talked last night, he was high, which I hate but decided it wasn't the best time to make this an issue. He said he loves me, we both cried. He said he misses me but he knows the arguing will never stop & that he just doesn't think he can deal with it anymore. He said our relationship reminds him of his parents. I don't know where he gets this, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I have never asked him for money or in my opinion given him any reason to feel like I don't care about or love him. I feel like he has given up on us... but I can't give up on him. It is killing me to hear about how high he got or that he was drinking with his buddies. He seriously NEVER did these things. At social gatherings he would have a pop rather then a beer. I have seen him drink maybe 2 beers in 4 1/2 years and never did he smoke pot. Why is he going back on his principles? I just feel like if I lost my family support & had nobody in the world I would do everything I could to hold on to him. I feel like I am the only person in the world that loves him unconditionally, why is he rejecting me & pushing me away?? I know that we can fix this, I know my faults & I want to work on them. How do I get him to understand this? I am going out of mind with concern, anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness etc. I just want my loving, caring boyfriend back.
Re: I need him....
Dec 1, 2008
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3809305] You can't fix him, you can't bring his "old" self back, and you can't make him stop doing self-destructive behaviors. You CAN let him know that you care and will be available to talk, but it's really up to you how long you're willing to wait for him to snap out of it, because it might take years, and it may be never.

I hope your guy doesn't become an addict. But you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him, because you don't want to wake up one day 40 years old and realize your life passed you by.[/QUOTE]

I am so angry with his family. How can you put a price on your child's love? I think about going over there and talking to his mother, the problem is she has downed a few bottles of champagne and is high on Xanax. How can they be so irresponsible? How can they do this to their son? I know this is the root of his problem. I can't mention his family without him sobbing. Maybe thats why he doesn't want me around. Maybe I shouldn't encourage him to talk about his issues. Is it better to keep them bottled in? But then I feel like bottling them in results in his new coping methods. He knows that I love and care about him. Maybe if I show it more? Maybe if I stay adamant about not giving up, maybe he will realize how much he is worth to me? Yesterday when he called me drunk & high he said "do you know how much I have given up for you?" I asked him what he was talking about. He didn't reply. I asked if he was suggesting that his family problems are my fault? He didn't answer. Is he blaming me for what happened with his family? I didn't make them bankrupt, I didn't tell them to drink their lives away, I don't even drink. Once when he was still living at home my boyfriend & I where watching a movie in the basement. His dad came down asked if we wanted pizza, I said "no thank you. His dad was drunk and after I left my boyfriend calls me telling me how his father said that I was rude and never allowed back in the house. He managed to calm his dad down after a few days, but during those couple of days he contemplated moving out (he didn't, until months later). Another time my boyfriend and I had a petty argument. We decided to each go home, to cool off. I guess his mom could tell he was upset because she called me, drunk, screaming about how I am no good for him & that I use him. Does he think his family will want him back if I am not in the picture?? For the most part, when his parents are sober or in the happy drunk phase, we get along fine. They invited me over last Christmas, bought me a present. His mom is always hugging me.

Is this genetics? Does he have a predisposition for substance abuse? I can't be with someone who is drunk & high all the time. Is it just a phase?? I ask him how he can drink when before he hated beer, he said he likes it now, that it tastes good. He says that it's "not wrong to enjoy something that other people enjoy". How did it get to be more important then me?

I feel like I have two people battling it out inside of me. One side says, that if I can just show him how much I love him, if I can make him feel the way he used to, everything will be ok. This isn't him. He'll realize it, he will want to get help. Our relationship is worth it to him. The other says that I can't do this to myself. That I have to let this heal, it will heal right? It tells me that I have to put myself first. It tells me that he is turning into his parents, that the last 24 years were just leading up to this. This is who he is now. It's so hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to know. It's hard to accept. I don't know if I can accept it.

I think that he is scared that I am going to hurt him. When I tell him that I love him he says "Yeah & thought my mother did too". I feel like if I give up, he will feel like everyone in the world has given up on him. Is he testing his worth?

I just don't know what to do.

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