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I know I am probably one of the least liked members of this forum because I seem to complain a lot and keep asking the same questions. This time around, I finally took my own inner voice and others opinions and broke it off.

She wrote me this email the night before I called her to break up. And it reads:


I thought I would help you see inside my head and hear my thoughts out loud. While I know that this is my decision, I guess I need some help. Maybe I just need to get it all out and say what I want to say and see if you have a plan or if you think Iím crazy or if maybe I truly am crazy! I donít know. Maybe I just want to see what your reaction is to everything that comes out and maybe that will help me make sense of all of this.
There is a huge part of me that keeps thinking that it shouldnít be this hard. If we truly were meant to be, then we would just be. We wouldnít need days without talking to clear our heads or ponder our relationship and what itís worth. We would spend Thanksgiving (2000 miles apart) missing each other and thankful, not stubborn and cold. My feelings wouldnít be so up and down, because I would just know. ButÖbecause we have different ways of dealing with things and thinking about things and saying things, my emotions run wild, and at times I can tell that yours do too.
I like you a lot Jack. You are different, but that is one of the things that I liked about you. You seem to be carefree, which is a good things most of the time, but I need someone that has a more clear understanding of how to treat a girl, and be with a girl, and make her feel special and also how to make her feel like a priority. I donít want to hear what you ďwere going to do for meĒÖI want you to just do it. Sometimes the little things are the biggest.
I want to know that sometimes when you can tell that I may be drifting, or that I might be displeased with something, that you will just know what to say or do to make me regain my trust and happiness with you. That might seem hard and stupid, but it isnít. If you truly are the person for me, then you would be able to do thatÖyou would want to do that, as would I, I know.
I also understand that a lot of this discussion might not be standard, but like you said, ďthe normĒ is not something either of us really seem to be. I donít care how early (in a relationship) normal people love each other or how early people normally move away together. I donít even care about the word love as much as I care about the actual feeling of it. You seem to worry that things might move too fast, while as I seem to worry about the opposite. You seem to think that things will just ďbeĒÖwhereas I am worried that if they arenít by now, then maybe they just arenít or wonít.
I know I am scatter brained right now. Sorry for that. I am just so torn. I know that our relationship canít progress from 2000 miles away, and I also know that you moving here in the state that we are in, is probably not a good idea. I am not sure that you are the person for me (as do I feel that you are equally not sure about me) and both of us admitted that love isnít there yetÖand normally a decision like this (moving away together/fixing a broken relationship) is made when you know both of those things. So, what do we do?
I think about breaking up and it makes me sad. I know that I would miss you, jesus, I miss you now and it has just been a couple days since we have talked. I just donít know what the answer is. I donít know why you want to hold on to me or if you truly do. I canít list a million things that I love about you, and Iím sure my list isnít very long for your loves about me. I just know that I miss you and that my mind thinks about you a million times a day. But, Iím not sure if you have that same thing going for me either.
Iím sorry once again, this is all just pouring out. I wish I had more concrete feelings for you and for us right now. I donít want to be in that place in my life (love, marriage, etc) just because everyone else does or is. I want to be there because I can imagine that it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I am ready to have something real. I hate games and I hate when it seems that we are just back in junior high. I hate feeling like we take 1 step forward and 10 back all in one week. I hate that you think I should relax, but at the same time say you only live once.
When you left 3 weeks ago, I was the most sad because I knew that it could potentially be the last time that I saw you. I knew that we were still so up and down that there was a chance that in the time we were apart, we would just decide to follow different paths. Now, that decision time is here and I have no idea what to do. I want to see you and figure this out, but then at the same time, another part of me wonders whatís the point. I hope you donít think I am being mean. I can say a million times that I miss you and care about you, but I also have to be honest in saying that I am unsure whether or not we are going to work. I wish I had a better understanding of you and of usÖI just donít.
I have probably rambled enough for the night. Sorry if I pissed you off.
----------------------------------------------------

i basicaly called her the next day to break up. she said "hey" when she answered. i said "hey i dont think this is gonna work between us." her 1st response was "oh i figured." im not sure if she was bluffing or not. but i told her icared about her and said i wanted her to be happy and i said i dont think we make each other happy right now. then i brought up a thing about myspace and how she changed it around (eliminated a lovey dovey section) and how i wasnt oblivious to that, then she said it had nothing to do with her feeling different for me. whatever. she said "ill talk to you later" and i said bye. that was it.

i realized that i have never once been comfortable with just hanging out with her doing nothing. when we would hang out watch tv, i would always make comments about what we are watching, initiate convos, get her interested in something else but the problem was she nver brought anything to the table herself. she kinda liked me cuz i was different and was intriguing but i do recall now having many self doubts i put aside because i cared about her. i got to the point of accepting a miserable life with her (cuz we lacked basic conversational skills) to make her happpy.

one thing i found funny was during our first date she said she was "boring." of course i said no you arent. in reality , she planted the seed of doubt.





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