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Thanks guys. It's a relief to be able to talk about my feelings openly on this board. I have been sad for so long (TWO YEARS NOW!!) that most, if not all of the people in my life are sick of hearing about it, and they can't see how truly painful these losses were/are for me. It's so incredibly frustrating because I used to see myself as so independent, so loving, so strong, but after each loss of love, I am OBLITERATED. I am riddled with anxiety, panic and a bottomless dread/depression, I would go so far as to say my whole world is shattered, my oerception of things, and I start to feel terrified at life alone, like I will never find happiness again.
I should note that I am not the type of person that hops from one relationship to the next, in fact I have spent quite a lot of time alone, probably proportionate to the ammount of time I have spent in a relationship.
I can see now, and I guess I always knew somehow, that I never truly recovered from my first SEVERE heartbreak (I'd had ones before this as well, but this one was terrifying.) This happened about 5 years ago when I seperated from my close childhood friend and boyfriend of 4 years. Although I chose to end the relationship because he was too much trouble (lots of drugs, drinking, etc.) and I was going back to school, once we actually stopped talking and he started dating an aquaintence of mine, I was DEVASTATED. Even though i knew he was no good for me, I felt like our whole 4 years waas a sham, and felt that if the person I was closer to than anyone IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, then I must truly be totally alone, people must not truly know how to love.
I endured an initial period of intense panic and gut-wrenching depression, and even ended up in the E.R. from dehydration and lack of sleep. Mind you, I was trying my absolute best to keep it together, and to take care of myself, and yet NOTHING I could do lessoned the pain, and my whole body revolted.
This is so frustraating for me becuase I used to be so strong (before having my heart broken) and I have a strong sense of self, and am incredibly self-reliant in many ways, but this bizzare and extreme reaction is out of my control, and makes me feel weak and pathetic.
After the initial horror, I eventually fell into a pattern of drinking to calm the anxiety (something I had never done before) and woke almost every morning feeling devastatred and longing for him, and I had frequent bouts of uncontrollable crying. Very frequent in fact.
I got on with my life in some ways, dated a bit, attended school, remained social, but I still felt afraid and so sad most of the time.
Then I met a new man, and after a very catiious start, fell in love with him after many months. I still had a tremendous ammount of anxiety and some sadness during this realtionship, though it was much more bearable than it had been before. I still thought about my ex of 4 years, but made certain to not have contact with him, it was too hard on me.
Finally I did meet with my ex though, over coffee almost a year and a half after we split, and i finally was able to see him for the jerk he was, and put him behind me and fully give myself to the new-ish relationship.
Having put my ex behind me, I fell deeper in love with my new man, and felt so happy for the first time in a long time. I eventually moved out of stae for my career, and we split, sadly, but I couldn;t see a future for myself in the town we were in, and he owns a buisiness that he could not leave.
After my being gone for a few months, he announcced he could not live without me and wanted to move here.
He came to visit and look for jobs, etc, and I felt closer to him than ever.
Until out of the blue he changed his mind and decided not to come.
I was devatated all over again. I fell into an intense depression after initial vicious anxiety, and motnhs later he contacted me and told me he was coming, he had to. THis also fell through, and I hadn't let go to begin with, but it was like loosing him all over again.
Nine months went by, I couldn't date, though I tried, I could barely sleep much of the time, and became less and less social and more and more sad. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat some days, just seeing happy couples sometimes is enough to make me feel like my stomach has fallen out. I feel so alone.
Eventually he contacted me again, and we had a brief rendezvous, and seriously consdered being togehter again. We still loved each other so much and were both miserable without the other. I spent a week with him, and even though I wanted it so badly, I was too hurt by then, and too sad. He had been with several other women and I had hardly dated at all. Though I could not blame it all on him, I felt that he put us in this position, put all that pain and time between us, and made me feel so lonely for so long.
Though I wanted to, I just couldnt get past the hurt to really give him another shot. We have tried to be friends since then (about 6 motnhs ago) and I even started dating someone seriously. But I still love him....
And my other relationship didn't work (he had serious sexual dysfunction) I was talking with my ex less and less. But just a few days ago I fel the need to tell him I couldn't talk to him anymore, for a while, that I still love him and it is too difficult for me and that I feel lost and sad.
He did not respond to this. And in a way I feel like I am loosing him all over again, even though I know it is what needs to be done, I feel sooooooo sad again. Despondant. I feel doomed to be alone forever. And I am absolutely terrified of not having him in my life.
I have been crying my eyes out the past few days since I told him this. I have to force myself not to call him and tell him how much I love him.
What is wrong with me?
Why do i get soooo sad, why can't I let go?
I should add that my life has been unbearably stagnent the past two years, since our reltionship initally ended, it has been hard for me to focus, get anything done, or even think about the future. I feel stuck and afraid and sad.

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