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Relationship Health Message Board


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I was married for 26 years to a kind, hard working man, the father of my 3 wonderful sons. I was only 17 when we married and we really just grew apart. No cheating on each other, didn't fight or argue much at all (especially the last 10 years) We (mainly myself) just grew apart, were different people. That's just a little "past history" about myself up until 1 1/2 years ago.
Right after my divorce, I met a guy online. I just wanted to go out, have dinner and a good conversation with someone nice, nothing more. Well, he immediately (within a few weeks) expressed that he had fallen "madly" in love with me, had waited all his life to find me. Now he had been divorced for 10 years and said he wanted to get married again and he did and has since tried to get me to marry him. Thank the Lord, that's the only smart thing I have done at this point(is not marry him) cause I almost did!
Now, I was somewhat taken by all this, I mean after all I had dated only my xhusband up until now and I was in awe that this kind, gentle, caring, romantic man, had fell for me so quickly. Now I am a nurse (not in mental health, obviously) and probably should have known something wasn't quite right, but I had just gone through a divorce and was not thinking as clearly as I should. Anyway, about 2 1/2 months after we met, he "went off" on me one day, cussing at me, talking to me like I was dirt. I was speechless, in shock, I could only think that the alcohol he had drank, made him this way? I left very mad and upset, now looking back, I should have stayed away, yet, I felt he needed my help? Needed someone who could love him "totally" and show him what love was truly about?? Well, I went back, he apologized, however, the past year and 9 months have been HELL for me! We get along so wonderfully at times, it's unreal, THEN, after 6 or 7 weeks, it all falls apart. He becomes hateful, distant, and either gets drunk and talks to me like crap, or in 3 instances, goes and sleeps with an x girlfriend! I would NEVER, EVER have taken this from my xhusband and he would NEVER, EVER have done that to me anyway, yet I keep trying to fix my boyfriend, despite what my councelor, friends and family have told me.
Now I am worn out, beaten down, and depressed. I was put on antidepressants for the first time in my life, 4 weeks ago. I will admit, I do feel better, but I KNOW, without a doubt, that I have to leave, break up and get away from this man, despite how much I truly love and care for him, he is killing me slowly. PLEASE. give me some advice, say something that will "go off" in my head, and shake me enough to do this. I have broke up with him 3 times the past 3 months, but I,not him, I wind up calling him, crying and telling him how much I love him then we get back together. What is wrong with me??? Why can I not do this? I used to be a strong, indpendent woman. Now I feel weak, unsure of myself and I am more unhappy then I was when I was married.
He told me a few weeks ago, that he is "scared to death" of being abandoned" and asked me why that would be? Well, I looked it up on the computer and my stomach sank! As I started researching this, I found multiple sites about Borderline Personality Disorders and guess what?? He fits all but 2 of the 10 symptoms of this disorder!! The ONLY thing that was good about me figuring this out, was now I at least can somewhat understand why he has said and done some of the things he has. I now realize I can not "fix him" I can not make him "understand things" differently. Therefore, as much as I love him, I can't go thru this any longer. He has no medical insurance and he can't afford to (not that I think he would anyway) go to the doctor and buy meds. So, PLease, help me figure out how to get out of this mess I am in. Yes, I do love him deeply, I do understand now that he has a mental issue, but , I am slowly losing "myself" in the process of continuing this relationship!!! HELP!!!





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