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I wrote before about my boyfriend of 5 years. We broke up for a couple weeks, he took a girl from work on a date. Now he says he wants to work things out with me.

Two nights ago he had me in tears with the things he was saying (good tears). He told me that he loves me more then anyone in the world, he wants me to move in with him etc.

Tonight he is cold & distant. He doesn't feel like hanging out with me. He is talking in his "mad voice". Returns my calls hours later. We ended last night on a good note. What gives?

THEN... after the above, on the SAME day. He calls, is being sweet & funny. Wants to pick me up after work.

It almost feels like he is playing different sides. He got a taste of single life, dating etc. and he liked it. HOWEVER, he doesn't want me to leave. I have been a stable part of his life for 5 years. When things are good with us, they are really good. He knows that I will be there when he needs me. He knows that I always put him first.

He STILL hasn't told the girl from work that him & I are back together. He says that it was only 1 date, he can't "break up" with her because they were never together & that doing so would make him uncomfortable. He says he rarely sees her & is never in her department. Today he tells me how her friend (another co-worker) gave him a hug today & said she needed to talk to him later on. My guess is it's about the girl he went out with. If I bring her up he gets mad. I have stopped asking questions about work.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel like he wants me to stick around & keep things open with her. He likes that she likes him. He likes the attention. He likes her. He doesn't want to loose me.

I don't want to play games. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of just being the perfect girlfriend. Be available when he needs me, pretend like this doesn't bother me, go out of my way to do things for him. Then I think if I do this, make myself so available he will walk all over me. He holds the power. A friend told me to do the exact opposite. Make myself less available, show him that he WILL lose me if things continue like this.

He is hot one moment & cold the next. I feel like I am dealing with dual personalities. I don't think he knows what he wants. I am used to being the one "chased" in our relationship, now I just feel powerless.

Do I chase him? Do I back off?
Your boyfriend is being abusive to you. It is abusive to be hot/cold without the other person knowing why. If there is a problem, he should tell you, not punish you by being cold and distant. Maybe it is time to walk away from the relationship.

We made plans for tonight. He came over & then told me while on his way over he made other plans with his friends for later on. Basically he wanted to come by for an hour or two & then leave to be with friends. This is not ok. I told him this. He started going on about how I am controlling. I never said he couldn't hang out with his friends, I ENCOURAGE him to do so but not when he has plans with me.

I also asked him about work & more specifically "her". He talked to her again today. I brought up his promise to stop talking to her & to tell her about me & him. He again said that it was only 1 date how is he supposed to break up with her etc. We talked for awhile. I told him that it feels like he is leaving a window open with her "just in case". He adamantly denied this. Later on he admitted that it was true. He has doubts about us. He thinks about the what ifs with her etc. He has only ever been in a relationship with me, what if the grass is greener on the other side. He has only ever been with 1 other girl besides me sexually, he sometimes wonders what other girls are like.

I told him that I can't do this anymore. If he has doubts we can't be together. I can't live like this, not knowing, not trusting, insecurities, the hot & cold. He tells me again that he DOES want to be with me. He will talk to her on Monday. I heard this last week. It never happened. I can't let him walk all over me. I can't. It sucks.

I told him this needs to end. He tells me he is stuck. He wants to be with me, doesn't want to loose me but wants to explore other people, another life. I told him to go. That this is over. That it isn't fair for me to be with someone with all these doubts. I told him it's not right for him either. If you aren't sure, do something about it. He asked me to "wait for him". I told him no. He asked to be my friend. I told him no. I don't want to hear about what he is doing with other girls. It hurts too much. He then tells me that he doesn't want to break up. He will talk to her Monday, he will do "what I want". I can't. The doubts are there. They aren't going to disappear unless he explores them. His doubts are causing doubts in me too. I hate this hot & cold stuff. One minute everything is perfect, the next he is distant and even mean. I can't do it.

He left. He calls me on his way home asks me to go to lunch tomorrow & talk about it. I asked if I could get back to him on his offer, after I let the emotions subside. He said no. I have to answer him NOW. Even after he screwed with me, one minute he wants me the next he doesn't, I have to choose on the spot. I chose. I said no. Now in his mind it is me giving up on us. He made the last effort. I declined. It is how he works. If he is the "victim" he can move on better.

Thats it. IT'S OVER. I feel like I made a horrible mistake. He has someone lined up, an active social life to keep him busy. I have nothing. The person I love has doubts about us. The person I love will in a matter of time be hanging out with & having a relationship with someone else.

What do I do now??? Do I call him on Christmas? Do I jump & answer the phone if he calls? Do I call him? Ever? Do I wait around for a few months & then call him? Do I hold on to hope? Do I move on?

I have given up most of my friendships for him. He didn't like my friends. Even said horrible things about them to other people which got back to them. I pretty much have one friend left after our 5 year relationship. She has a great boyfriend, other friends, a job, a life. I have nothing right now. I want to date other people. I feel like if I sit around missing him that I am torturing myself. Where does a friendless girl go to meet guys? How do I even start dating again? I feel like this is something I need to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I love him. Did I do the right thing letting him go? What if he comes back? How do I take him back? It was hard knowing he kissed another girl, what is it going to be like in a few months when it's more then a peck on the cheek?

Please help! I feel so lost!
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3821267]My main concern isn't eve with this other girl at all. It's the fact that you said you lost most of your friends because of him, because he badmouthed them in such a way that he knew would get back to them. He has deliberately isolated you, played with your head and heart, has admitted to you that he wants to keep this other girl around just in case it doesn't work out with you, but then lied about it, like you were some kind of idiot and couldn't see right through the lie.

This guy is a world class manipulator and he's emotionally abusive.[/QUOTE]

In regards to him ruining my friendships. It was really only two people (a couple), he worked with the guy, I worked with the girl (we set them up). They were dating for awhile & he said some things to the guy that the girl told me in confidence. It turned into a big mess. There were comments coming from all angles. He did at one point say some not so nice things about the girl, but it was really more the situation itself. I was partly to blame, I suppose. Other friendships I have had have kind of crumbled due to me spending the majority of my free time with. He is not really to blame.

I think when I am mad at him I make him out to be worse then he really is. He isn't perfect. He has his share of faults, immaturity being a big issue, but we all have faults. If he was a horrible manipulator I wouldn't have stuck around 5 years. For the first 3 years, it was really more him making the effort. He is an amazing person. I can't count how many selfless and kind things he has done for me. I very rarely encounter this cold & distant personality. I think thats why it's so troubling for me. As for him being emotionally abusive, it isn't true. He has been a major source of support & encouragement for me. He pushed me to go back to school because he knew I wasn't happy with my career choice. I could list 1000 good points & maybe 10 bad. He really is a great guy.

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