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I wrote before about my boyfriend of 5 years. We broke up for a couple weeks, he took a girl from work on a date. Now he says he wants to work things out with me.

Two nights ago he had me in tears with the things he was saying (good tears). He told me that he loves me more then anyone in the world, he wants me to move in with him etc.

Tonight he is cold & distant. He doesn't feel like hanging out with me. He is talking in his "mad voice". Returns my calls hours later. We ended last night on a good note. What gives?

THEN... after the above, on the SAME day. He calls, is being sweet & funny. Wants to pick me up after work.

It almost feels like he is playing different sides. He got a taste of single life, dating etc. and he liked it. HOWEVER, he doesn't want me to leave. I have been a stable part of his life for 5 years. When things are good with us, they are really good. He knows that I will be there when he needs me. He knows that I always put him first.

He STILL hasn't told the girl from work that him & I are back together. He says that it was only 1 date, he can't "break up" with her because they were never together & that doing so would make him uncomfortable. He says he rarely sees her & is never in her department. Today he tells me how her friend (another co-worker) gave him a hug today & said she needed to talk to him later on. My guess is it's about the girl he went out with. If I bring her up he gets mad. I have stopped asking questions about work.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel like he wants me to stick around & keep things open with her. He likes that she likes him. He likes the attention. He likes her. He doesn't want to loose me.

I don't want to play games. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of just being the perfect girlfriend. Be available when he needs me, pretend like this doesn't bother me, go out of my way to do things for him. Then I think if I do this, make myself so available he will walk all over me. He holds the power. A friend told me to do the exact opposite. Make myself less available, show him that he WILL lose me if things continue like this.

He is hot one moment & cold the next. I feel like I am dealing with dual personalities. I don't think he knows what he wants. I am used to being the one "chased" in our relationship, now I just feel powerless.

Do I chase him? Do I back off?
[QUOTE=happymom28;3819600]Honestly, I don't believe for one minute that work party was "cancelled". I think he just doesn't want you to go. [/QUOTE]

It was canceled. They cut back funding & asked everyone to pay an obscene amount to go. There wasn't enough people willing to pay the amount they were asking for so they canceled it. One of my good friends is dating someone from the same company. He did tell me about this employee arranged get-together, if he wasn't planning on taking me wouldn't he have just not told me about it? Made up plans with someone else & gone alone?

[QUOTE=happymom28;3819600]He asked you to give him the benefit of the doubt to talk to her on Monday (3 days ago) and you did. He broke his end of the bargain. I would tell him "it's her or me" and mean it. If he wants you so badly then it will be an easy choice no matter how awkward it would make things at work. If he still protests then you know there is unfinished business there between them and in that case you are better off letting him go. You deserve better than that.[/QUOTE]

This bothers me. He promised to talk to her Monday. I asked him on Monday he said he didn't see her. I asked him Tuesday, he said he didn't see her. Wednesday night he tells me that he did see her Tuesday. That she smiled & waved at him. He also saw & spoke to her Wednesday but no mention of the things he promised to say. Now her friends are trying to talk to him, my guess is to ask why he has been ignoring her. Also if we do end up going to this employee party won't it be weird if we show up together & he introduces me as his girlfriend? He told her when we were broken up for less then 2 weeks that we had been broken up for a month. He has never mentioned to her that we are back together & then we show up at a party together?

He gets mad if I ask about her. Asks me why I bring her up. Yet he will bring her up. I did at one point tell him that he doesn't have to talk to her about us if he doesn't want. I said that hoping he would. Almost like a test. He failed.
Okay, so the event was legitimately cancelled. Sorry! :( The reason why he told you is because he knew you would find out through your friend. He thought he was doing the "good" thing. My exhusband lied about a Christmas party and said to me no spouses were allowed due to cutbacks. I found out later he lied and wnet alone in order to hang out with a coworker, one of many he cheated on me with.

So he also lied to her about how long you were broken up? What is wrong with him? He obviously wants to have it both ways and you can't allow that. You need to tell him to do whatever it is he needs to do. Tell him he can't have you both. He either chooses or you are making the choice for him and walk away. Don't be a doormat!

If he does take you to this other party you go with your head held high and watch how he is with her and her friends. Talk to them and act as if they are any other coworker. You did nothing wrong. He is the one being all secretive.

He needs to get his head out of his butt quickly. Yes, you are the one that broke up and initially caused this chain of events. But he is the one that said he wanted to be with you and would end things with her. It's time he does the right thing and sticks to his word. If he can't do that then maybe the break up was the right thing after all.
Update:

We made plans for tonight. He came over & then told me while on his way over he made other plans with his friends for later on. Basically he wanted to come by for an hour or two & then leave to be with friends. This is not ok. I told him this. He started going on about how I am controlling. I never said he couldn't hang out with his friends, I ENCOURAGE him to do so but not when he has plans with me.

I also asked him about work & more specifically "her". He talked to her again today. I brought up his promise to stop talking to her & to tell her about me & him. He again said that it was only 1 date how is he supposed to break up with her etc. We talked for awhile. I told him that it feels like he is leaving a window open with her "just in case". He adamantly denied this. Later on he admitted that it was true. He has doubts about us. He thinks about the what ifs with her etc. He has only ever been in a relationship with me, what if the grass is greener on the other side. He has only ever been with 1 other girl besides me sexually, he sometimes wonders what other girls are like.

I told him that I can't do this anymore. If he has doubts we can't be together. I can't live like this, not knowing, not trusting, insecurities, the hot & cold. He tells me again that he DOES want to be with me. He will talk to her on Monday. I heard this last week. It never happened. I can't let him walk all over me. I can't. It sucks.

I told him this needs to end. He tells me he is stuck. He wants to be with me, doesn't want to loose me but wants to explore other people, another life. I told him to go. That this is over. That it isn't fair for me to be with someone with all these doubts. I told him it's not right for him either. If you aren't sure, do something about it. He asked me to "wait for him". I told him no. He asked to be my friend. I told him no. I don't want to hear about what he is doing with other girls. It hurts too much. He then tells me that he doesn't want to break up. He will talk to her Monday, he will do "what I want". I can't. The doubts are there. They aren't going to disappear unless he explores them. His doubts are causing doubts in me too. I hate this hot & cold stuff. One minute everything is perfect, the next he is distant and even mean. I can't do it.

He left. He calls me on his way home asks me to go to lunch tomorrow & talk about it. I asked if I could get back to him on his offer, after I let the emotions subside. He said no. I have to answer him NOW. Even after he screwed with me, one minute he wants me the next he doesn't, I have to choose on the spot. I chose. I said no. Now in his mind it is me giving up on us. He made the last effort. I declined. It is how he works. If he is the "victim" he can move on better.

Thats it. IT'S OVER. I feel like I made a horrible mistake. He has someone lined up, an active social life to keep him busy. I have nothing. The person I love has doubts about us. The person I love will in a matter of time be hanging out with & having a relationship with someone else.

What do I do now??? Do I call him on Christmas? Do I jump & answer the phone if he calls? Do I call him? Ever? Do I wait around for a few months & then call him? Do I hold on to hope? Do I move on?

I have given up most of my friendships for him. He didn't like my friends. Even said horrible things about them to other people which got back to them. I pretty much have one friend left after our 5 year relationship. She has a great boyfriend, other friends, a job, a life. I have nothing right now. I want to date other people. I feel like if I sit around missing him that I am torturing myself. Where does a friendless girl go to meet guys? How do I even start dating again? I feel like this is something I need to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I love him. Did I do the right thing letting him go? What if he comes back? How do I take him back? It was hard knowing he kissed another girl, what is it going to be like in a few months when it's more then a peck on the cheek?

Please help! I feel so lost!
Sooo... He just called me now. Telling me how much he loves me & doesn't want to break up. He asked me to go for lunch with him tomorrow. Heres the thing, he has court tomorrow at 9am (traffic court). I said I would go to lunch with him around 11. 11 is no good for him. At first he says he has to go downtown and pick up some car part for a friend. THEN he changes his story to he has to get his oil changed. I suggest 12. That doesn't work because he is going home after to sleep for a bit. He says 2 or 3. I agree to 2. "She" doesn't start work until 3. Now I am questioning if his story changes are because he has plans with her?? I hate being jealous & I hate that I am having trouble trusting him. Why is he being so secretive?

I tell myself it's over then I agree to meet him for lunch. Of course lunch is on HIS terms, his restaurant, his time etc. I just don't get it! If he wants to be with her, has all these doubts why not just LEAVE ME ALONE?? Why string me along for the ride?? If he wants to be with me like he says he does then why can't he tell her & close the door?? What is the appeal in keeping your old girlfriend around & starting something new? Is it like a safety net? I am not the one pushing this here, HE IS! He calls me, he needs me, loves me etc. then he is cold, mean & ditches me for friends. Now I have myself questioning whether "friends' is a code word for "her"?? I heard him on the phone, it was a guy... but the question lingers. Why is he torturing me? I almost feel like I have to let him break my heart, run it over a few times & beat it with a sledge hammer before I can let go. All this mistrust and secrets have put me into spy mode, I don't want it to be like this. I have thoughts about driving by his house early tomorrow, but what good will that do me? I have caught him in lies, yet I can't let go. A huge part of me wants to trust him, wants to believe that things will go back to the way they were.

UGH!! Whats wrong with me??
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3820309]He's doing all this because he can. Simple as that.

If you put your foot down and refused to see him until he gets rid of her, and mean it, he wouldn't be playing these games. But you go along with whatever he wants (I guess to keep him? Why?) so he knows he can push and push and you'll just accept it.

Your life will be full of jealousy, suspicion, anxiety, hurt, mistrust, etc. You will be doing drive-bys, checking his phone, bed sheets and wallet, and trying to listen in on his phone conversations. You will be suspicious whenever he leaves the room to talk on the phone or whenever you can't get ahold of him.

He isn't going to change, so ask yourself this; do you want to live this way?[/QUOTE]

Am I being crazy though? It was 1 date, while we were broken up. 1 coffee, 1 kiss on the cheek. If he was really cheating, wouldn't he lie? Tell me he told her about us. Tell me he doesn't talk to her anymore. Like today for instance, he has the day off to go to court. He could have lied, said he was going to work & spent time with her. Instead he told me the truth & invited me for lunch.

What lingers with me is that he hasn't told her. He is still flirting. She still thinks he's single. He said she is a "cool girl", someone he could have a friendship with. My friends are all very aware that I am in a relationship. I am not attracted to my friends. In someways I can see the uncomfortable-ness of it. "Hey, I am back with my ex, so stop text messaging me ok?" BUT after he told me that he has delayed telling her because if things don't work between me & him she is someone he may want to pursue. How do I swallow that? I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask him to tell her...to close the door. He promised he would on his terms. He hasn't.
[QUOTE=TRP29;3820356]
BUT after he told me that he has delayed telling her because if things don't work between me & him she is someone he may want to pursue. How do I swallow that? [/QUOTE]

So he doesn't want to tell her you are back together in case you don't work out, then he can date her. So he wants to keep her as a backup? And that sure doesn't sound like he has much faith in his feelings for you if he has a backup all picked out & lined up.

I would be less concerned about the circumstances of their one date and more concerned with his desire to keep a "backup" girlfriend. What if you told him you wanted to keep a "backup" boyfriend? What if you were married, would he want to keep a "backup" wife? Do you see how riduculous that sounds?

I'd tell him one final time: her or me. I'd say, if you have so little faith in your feelings for me and in our relationship, then I don't need you. Go to your "backup" and make her the primary. Because that would be completely unacceptable to me.

PS: And what about her? I bet she's not aware she's his backup plan. How insulting! Does this guy think he's some kind of stud or something?
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3820365]So he doesn't want to tell her you are back together in case you don't work out, then he can date her. So he wants to keep her as a backup? And that sure doesn't sound like he has much faith in his feelings for you if he has a backup all picked out & lined up.[/QUOTE]

Sometimes I wonder if I am the backup... Maybe he wants to see where things go with her & if it fails he knows his good ol' reliable girlfriend will be there waiting.

The thing is he will deny that he is keeping her around as a "just in case", but on one occasion he admitted that thats what is was. He will say things like "thats not what I meant" or "thats not what it is", then why did he say that? Why is keeping in contact with her?

He openly admits that he finds her attractive. He admits that he likes her & would (if there was no me & him) like to get to know her better. He tells me though that he can't help his "feelings for her" & that he would never risk "us" for "her". He said that he will not act on his feelings. Do I just accept this? Take this as a "crush" with the occasional flirting? Trust that he won't act on it? If he really doesn't want a relationship with me, why does he tell me he does?

It also seems to me like she is some kind of conquest. The other guys at work find her attractive. Some have asked her out. She picked him. I think this makes him feel good. It was really the same with me too. We met in high school, some of his circle of friends asked me out. I turned them down & ended up with him. Is it wrong that he likes that she likes him? He tells me that she has been initiating all the contact between them since him & I got back together. This makes him feel good.

We were supposed to go to lunch at 2. He called and said he would be a half hour late that he needs to shave. Before any of this I wouldn't have questioned him, now in the back of my mind I wonder if he was with her?...

I am going to tell him today, that he needs to decide. That if he wants to be with me, I will trust that he will end it with her. That in order for us to move forward he needs to close the door with her.

PS. She still thinks we were broken up for a month when they went out (it was under 2 weeks) & has NO idea that we are back together. I really feel like he owes it not just to me but to her to let her know, that is if he wants to be with me, like he says.
He is now over a half hour late. I call him, he is being snappy. Says he isn't finished shaving yet. Calls me annoying for calling him once, after he is a half hour late. He asks what the hurry is anyways. I say "I thought we were going to lunch?".. He says lunch finishes at 3 and that if I wanted to go to lunch why didn't we go earlier. Is he kidding me? HE asked me to go to lunch yesterday, said we should talk about this. HE picked the time. I wanted to go earlier but he had "things to do" and couldn't even keep his story straight. Please tell me why I am dressed up like an idiot with my coat & boots on? Please tell me why I thought we would talk today & that everything would be ok? Please tell me why after I told him last night to go be with her , to go on a "break" and talk again in a few months, why he called me told me he loved me didn't want to go on a break & asked me to go for lunch? Please tell me why he is acting like a jerk-off right now, being late for his own plans, talking to me like I am some clingy stalker that won't go away. He made these plans, he called me.... He told me he wanted to be with me last night, now I am getting the cold shoulder. My stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do anymore..... I want to believe him, I want to trust that he isn't going to screw with me.

You are right.... Telling me one more time isn't going to fix anything. I think him & I both know it's over yet he wants to end it his way. He wants to make me out to be the b*tch. I think he needs to get rid of me like this in order to move on himself. Instead of him feeling guilty about wanting to be with someone else he wants to make me feel like the crazy, mistrusting one, he can deal better.

I got dressed up, I am not going to waste looking good for sitting at home. I will let him pick me up today, and do things MY WAY! Let him know that I will be moving on too. That I will not be with someone with all these doubts. That I am better then that. That I deserve someone who wants to be with me and only me.
My main concern isn't eve with this other girl at all. It's the fact that you said you lost most of your friends because of him, because he badmouthed them in such a way that he knew would get back to them. He has deliberately isolated you, played with your head and heart, has admitted to you that he wants to keep this other girl around just in case it doesn't work out with you, but then lied about it, like you were some kind of idiot and couldn't see right through the lie.

This guy is a world class manipulator and he's emotionally abusive. He behaves that way because you take it from him. Why on earth you would even entertain the notion of staying with someone who exhibits such crazymaking behavior is really beyond me (let's have lunch, please, and talk, uh, no 11 is too early, um, no 12 is too early, I need to sleep, uh, how about 3 for lunch? What, 3, for LUNCH? That's too late for lunch! If YOU wanted lunch you should have suggested earlier!") Are you friggin' kidding me?

The worst thing about this is the damage you are inflicting on yourself by keeping someone this toxic and unhealthy in your life. The only thing this man will ever cause you is pain, confusion and misery. He will keep you off balance, insecure, unsure of your own mind, your own judgment. If you let him. It really is in your hands. Ask yourself - what is SOOOOOO great about him that he's worth throwing away all your friends, your peace of mind, your joy, your confidence, your trust in your own judgment, and your sense of self security? Only you are choosing to throw all that away for him. And only you can choose to stop throwing it away and get it all back.
Another update:

He came to pick me up after the last call. Since we missed lunch we decided to drive around for a bit. I complained that he was late. Asked why he was treating me so bad. He flipped out & ended up driving me home before we got a chance to talk. I got in my car. Started driving & thought I would stop by his work, meet "her" and lie & say that we were together when he took her out & that he is a cheater. I know it's childish etc. but my emotions were running high. He ended up calling me before I got to his work. He apologized for being rude & asked me to come over. I did. I asked him how he could be so mean to me after 5 years of loving each other. We talked for awhile. He again told me how much he loved me & how he doesn't want to "loose me". We both got a little emotional and he ended up telling me that he sent her a text message Wednesday night. That really hurt because we had been together all week & had a really good day Tuesday. He also said that he sent her another text message Thursday night which asked "What are you doing tomorrow?". We spent some of Thursday together too, it was Thursday that I told him to go be with her & that we shouldn't be together anymore. He said he was mad because I said that & then he asked me to lunch & I said no, so he was getting "revenge", acting on anger. I was extremely hurt & started crying. He held me & told me he was sorry & that he promises to be truthful from now on. He said that it hurts him to lie to me. He again told me that he wants to be with me. He AGAIN promised to tell her on Monday. He said he isn't going to send her anymore texts, call her, talk to her etc. What really hurt was that she didn't reply to his text Thursday night & that is the only reason why he was with me Friday afternoon & not her. Part of me wonders if he really was with "her" earlier Friday. I now know why he wanted to do lunch so late. If she had of responded he needed that time to be with her.

I ended up "forgiving him". He looked me in the eye and promised that he is going to end it. He looked me in the eye & told me he wanted to be with me, that he loves me. We hung out at his place for awhile. He took me out for dinner. We stopped by his parents place for awhile. We had a good night & I ended up staying over. We did this before & he broke his promise. In his defense though, last time we did this I left it at "tell her if you want". I just thought that maybe it would have been less uncomfortable for him to ignore her rather then tell her.

Today we went to visit my grandfather in the hospital. He stood there talking to my sick grandfather like everything was perfect between us. My mom & brother came to the hospital later on, he was pleasant with my family. They think he is a wonderful boyfriend. He took us all out for dinner. We acted like none of this happened. He was incredibly sweet & caring today. He held my hand. Was being flirty, kissing me etc. It was like I had my old boyfriend back. The sweet, caring, loyal, attentive guy that I love so much.

He tells me that he is going to take me to his Christmas party on the 20th, she will be there. He promised that it's "over" between them. He said that I should trust him because he came clean, told me about the text messages he was hiding from me. He also gave me her number. It's the right number, I called it & hung up. He also told me her last name (which I already knew from calling his work as a "client" and asking for her name). He says it is really over. That he could never cheat on me & that I mean so much more then some girl he hardly knows. I REALLY want to believe him. I just don't understand how he could be with me all week, act affectionate, be intimate with me & text message her, lie to me.

I have decided that I am going to drop the subject. Not ask him about her anymore. Hopefully he will bring her up Monday & be able to look me in the eye & tell me that he told "her" about us. Whether or not he does I can't help but stick around, at least until the 20th. If he takes me then I know it's over. If he doesn't then I think him & I are over.

I do appreciate all your feedback, though most is easier said then done. It feels like it is impossible to let him go. When things are crap between us, I can't help but think of days like today & I crave him. In our 5 years there was so much more good then bad. I love him beyond words. I want to marry him. I want to have his children. I can't help it. If things continue with her, it's finished. He knows this. I am prepared to let him go, if need be. I just can't walk away now because as far as I know (& believe) he hasn't cheated. He lied, yes, but there was no physical contact between them while we were together. I also keep reminding myself that I broke up with him. His doubts and confusion are likely a result of my actions.

When he held me & looked me in the eyes, I really believed him. I feel like I owe it to him & myself to let go of my insecurities & trust him. I think it might be different this time. God I hope so.

I'll keep you updated.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3821267]My main concern isn't eve with this other girl at all. It's the fact that you said you lost most of your friends because of him, because he badmouthed them in such a way that he knew would get back to them. He has deliberately isolated you, played with your head and heart, has admitted to you that he wants to keep this other girl around just in case it doesn't work out with you, but then lied about it, like you were some kind of idiot and couldn't see right through the lie.

This guy is a world class manipulator and he's emotionally abusive.[/QUOTE]

In regards to him ruining my friendships. It was really only two people (a couple), he worked with the guy, I worked with the girl (we set them up). They were dating for awhile & he said some things to the guy that the girl told me in confidence. It turned into a big mess. There were comments coming from all angles. He did at one point say some not so nice things about the girl, but it was really more the situation itself. I was partly to blame, I suppose. Other friendships I have had have kind of crumbled due to me spending the majority of my free time with. He is not really to blame.

I think when I am mad at him I make him out to be worse then he really is. He isn't perfect. He has his share of faults, immaturity being a big issue, but we all have faults. If he was a horrible manipulator I wouldn't have stuck around 5 years. For the first 3 years, it was really more him making the effort. He is an amazing person. I can't count how many selfless and kind things he has done for me. I very rarely encounter this cold & distant personality. I think thats why it's so troubling for me. As for him being emotionally abusive, it isn't true. He has been a major source of support & encouragement for me. He pushed me to go back to school because he knew I wasn't happy with my career choice. I could list 1000 good points & maybe 10 bad. He really is a great guy.





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