It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I wrote before about my boyfriend of 5 years. We broke up for a couple weeks, he took a girl from work on a date. Now he says he wants to work things out with me.

Two nights ago he had me in tears with the things he was saying (good tears). He told me that he loves me more then anyone in the world, he wants me to move in with him etc.

Tonight he is cold & distant. He doesn't feel like hanging out with me. He is talking in his "mad voice". Returns my calls hours later. We ended last night on a good note. What gives?

THEN... after the above, on the SAME day. He calls, is being sweet & funny. Wants to pick me up after work.

It almost feels like he is playing different sides. He got a taste of single life, dating etc. and he liked it. HOWEVER, he doesn't want me to leave. I have been a stable part of his life for 5 years. When things are good with us, they are really good. He knows that I will be there when he needs me. He knows that I always put him first.

He STILL hasn't told the girl from work that him & I are back together. He says that it was only 1 date, he can't "break up" with her because they were never together & that doing so would make him uncomfortable. He says he rarely sees her & is never in her department. Today he tells me how her friend (another co-worker) gave him a hug today & said she needed to talk to him later on. My guess is it's about the girl he went out with. If I bring her up he gets mad. I have stopped asking questions about work.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel like he wants me to stick around & keep things open with her. He likes that she likes him. He likes the attention. He likes her. He doesn't want to loose me.

I don't want to play games. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of just being the perfect girlfriend. Be available when he needs me, pretend like this doesn't bother me, go out of my way to do things for him. Then I think if I do this, make myself so available he will walk all over me. He holds the power. A friend told me to do the exact opposite. Make myself less available, show him that he WILL lose me if things continue like this.

He is hot one moment & cold the next. I feel like I am dealing with dual personalities. I don't think he knows what he wants. I am used to being the one "chased" in our relationship, now I just feel powerless.

Do I chase him? Do I back off?
There could be a couple of things going on here:

[*]He may be having problems at work--especially if he called you during or saw you shortly after work.
[*]He may actually be playing both sides of the field--only you can really decide this one.
[*]Don't assume every change in attitude is because of you. There's lot of things it could be aside from work. Maybe this girl is causing trouble for him at work now? Maybe he's having car trouble? Maybe he's scared of commitment--5 years and no ring pretty much says that to me, but maybe I'm wrong.

I hope that helps and good luck.
hi there

Ive been reading all the posts to catch up on things and i just wanted to say that he says he wants you to go with him to the party and he knows she will be there, then i think that if he takes you there where she will be then he's proving in a way thats it you he wants to be with, he knows she will be there and if lets just say he wanted to keep options open with her he knows that taking and introducing his g/f is telling her I'm with someone!!!! and here she is..... and you must hold your head up high enjoy yourself and watch how he and she behave. if he's not interested in her he won't bother with her.

by time he next goes into work she will know that he has g/f and from whatever you have observed that night you will know if he is interested in her or playing the field. if he follows through and takes you with no excuses or trying to cause an argument so you don't go then you will know that he has no problem of keeping you in the quiet..... because if he was interested in her i would have thought the last thing he would do is take his girlfriend.

good luck and if you go then make sure you look stunning with big smiles, and let her know he's your man. also be firmer with him don't take his crap you deserve better than that.:)
Sooo... He just called me now. Telling me how much he loves me & doesn't want to break up. He asked me to go for lunch with him tomorrow. Heres the thing, he has court tomorrow at 9am (traffic court). I said I would go to lunch with him around 11. 11 is no good for him. At first he says he has to go downtown and pick up some car part for a friend. THEN he changes his story to he has to get his oil changed. I suggest 12. That doesn't work because he is going home after to sleep for a bit. He says 2 or 3. I agree to 2. "She" doesn't start work until 3. Now I am questioning if his story changes are because he has plans with her?? I hate being jealous & I hate that I am having trouble trusting him. Why is he being so secretive?

I tell myself it's over then I agree to meet him for lunch. Of course lunch is on HIS terms, his restaurant, his time etc. I just don't get it! If he wants to be with her, has all these doubts why not just LEAVE ME ALONE?? Why string me along for the ride?? If he wants to be with me like he says he does then why can't he tell her & close the door?? What is the appeal in keeping your old girlfriend around & starting something new? Is it like a safety net? I am not the one pushing this here, HE IS! He calls me, he needs me, loves me etc. then he is cold, mean & ditches me for friends. Now I have myself questioning whether "friends' is a code word for "her"?? I heard him on the phone, it was a guy... but the question lingers. Why is he torturing me? I almost feel like I have to let him break my heart, run it over a few times & beat it with a sledge hammer before I can let go. All this mistrust and secrets have put me into spy mode, I don't want it to be like this. I have thoughts about driving by his house early tomorrow, but what good will that do me? I have caught him in lies, yet I can't let go. A huge part of me wants to trust him, wants to believe that things will go back to the way they were.

UGH!! Whats wrong with me??
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3820365]So he doesn't want to tell her you are back together in case you don't work out, then he can date her. So he wants to keep her as a backup? And that sure doesn't sound like he has much faith in his feelings for you if he has a backup all picked out & lined up.[/QUOTE]

Sometimes I wonder if I am the backup... Maybe he wants to see where things go with her & if it fails he knows his good ol' reliable girlfriend will be there waiting.

The thing is he will deny that he is keeping her around as a "just in case", but on one occasion he admitted that thats what is was. He will say things like "thats not what I meant" or "thats not what it is", then why did he say that? Why is keeping in contact with her?

He openly admits that he finds her attractive. He admits that he likes her & would (if there was no me & him) like to get to know her better. He tells me though that he can't help his "feelings for her" & that he would never risk "us" for "her". He said that he will not act on his feelings. Do I just accept this? Take this as a "crush" with the occasional flirting? Trust that he won't act on it? If he really doesn't want a relationship with me, why does he tell me he does?

It also seems to me like she is some kind of conquest. The other guys at work find her attractive. Some have asked her out. She picked him. I think this makes him feel good. It was really the same with me too. We met in high school, some of his circle of friends asked me out. I turned them down & ended up with him. Is it wrong that he likes that she likes him? He tells me that she has been initiating all the contact between them since him & I got back together. This makes him feel good.

We were supposed to go to lunch at 2. He called and said he would be a half hour late that he needs to shave. Before any of this I wouldn't have questioned him, now in the back of my mind I wonder if he was with her?...

I am going to tell him today, that he needs to decide. That if he wants to be with me, I will trust that he will end it with her. That in order for us to move forward he needs to close the door with her.

PS. She still thinks we were broken up for a month when they went out (it was under 2 weeks) & has NO idea that we are back together. I really feel like he owes it not just to me but to her to let her know, that is if he wants to be with me, like he says.
He is now over a half hour late. I call him, he is being snappy. Says he isn't finished shaving yet. Calls me annoying for calling him once, after he is a half hour late. He asks what the hurry is anyways. I say "I thought we were going to lunch?".. He says lunch finishes at 3 and that if I wanted to go to lunch why didn't we go earlier. Is he kidding me? HE asked me to go to lunch yesterday, said we should talk about this. HE picked the time. I wanted to go earlier but he had "things to do" and couldn't even keep his story straight. Please tell me why I am dressed up like an idiot with my coat & boots on? Please tell me why I thought we would talk today & that everything would be ok? Please tell me why after I told him last night to go be with her , to go on a "break" and talk again in a few months, why he called me told me he loved me didn't want to go on a break & asked me to go for lunch? Please tell me why he is acting like a jerk-off right now, being late for his own plans, talking to me like I am some clingy stalker that won't go away. He made these plans, he called me.... He told me he wanted to be with me last night, now I am getting the cold shoulder. My stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do anymore..... I want to believe him, I want to trust that he isn't going to screw with me.

You are right.... Telling me one more time isn't going to fix anything. I think him & I both know it's over yet he wants to end it his way. He wants to make me out to be the b*tch. I think he needs to get rid of me like this in order to move on himself. Instead of him feeling guilty about wanting to be with someone else he wants to make me feel like the crazy, mistrusting one, he can deal better.

I got dressed up, I am not going to waste looking good for sitting at home. I will let him pick me up today, and do things MY WAY! Let him know that I will be moving on too. That I will not be with someone with all these doubts. That I am better then that. That I deserve someone who wants to be with me and only me.
[QUOTE=TRP29;3820430]He is now over a half hour late. I call him, he is being snappy. Says he isn't finished shaving yet. [/QUOTE]

I'm not a guy but even I know it doesn't take a guy over a half hour to shave. Not even if he's as hairy as bigfoot! I think it's a fair assumption that he was with her, that's why he's late, and for all you know he's still with her right now and that's why he's blowing you off. Are you going to keep letting him treat you this way? Or are you going to take back your power and end this thing on your terms, knowing that you stood up for yourself and didn't allow some loser guy to disrespect you?

You know what you need to do. And the breaking up part is the easy part. Once you get that out of the way, you can go through your standard mourning period of crying and feeling crappy, and then you can move on with your life and hopefully find a guy who isn't going to treat you like his second choice.

You need to listen to what Redneon is saying, too. Read her post about leaving her bf just recently. She's a great inspiration to all of the women who post on here daily about how much their bf is disrespecting them and treating them bad. I just wish more women would follow her lead and dump their loser boyfriends when all they keep getting out of the relationship is hurt feelings. It's so not worth the time and effort you're putting into trying to figure this out. The answer to all of your questions is, It is what it is, and he has shown you his true colors and now it's time for you to move on. Let him have his stupid co-worker girlfriend and you find a decent guy who isn't going to pull this kind of crap with you.
Another update:

He came to pick me up after the last call. Since we missed lunch we decided to drive around for a bit. I complained that he was late. Asked why he was treating me so bad. He flipped out & ended up driving me home before we got a chance to talk. I got in my car. Started driving & thought I would stop by his work, meet "her" and lie & say that we were together when he took her out & that he is a cheater. I know it's childish etc. but my emotions were running high. He ended up calling me before I got to his work. He apologized for being rude & asked me to come over. I did. I asked him how he could be so mean to me after 5 years of loving each other. We talked for awhile. He again told me how much he loved me & how he doesn't want to "loose me". We both got a little emotional and he ended up telling me that he sent her a text message Wednesday night. That really hurt because we had been together all week & had a really good day Tuesday. He also said that he sent her another text message Thursday night which asked "What are you doing tomorrow?". We spent some of Thursday together too, it was Thursday that I told him to go be with her & that we shouldn't be together anymore. He said he was mad because I said that & then he asked me to lunch & I said no, so he was getting "revenge", acting on anger. I was extremely hurt & started crying. He held me & told me he was sorry & that he promises to be truthful from now on. He said that it hurts him to lie to me. He again told me that he wants to be with me. He AGAIN promised to tell her on Monday. He said he isn't going to send her anymore texts, call her, talk to her etc. What really hurt was that she didn't reply to his text Thursday night & that is the only reason why he was with me Friday afternoon & not her. Part of me wonders if he really was with "her" earlier Friday. I now know why he wanted to do lunch so late. If she had of responded he needed that time to be with her.

I ended up "forgiving him". He looked me in the eye and promised that he is going to end it. He looked me in the eye & told me he wanted to be with me, that he loves me. We hung out at his place for awhile. He took me out for dinner. We stopped by his parents place for awhile. We had a good night & I ended up staying over. We did this before & he broke his promise. In his defense though, last time we did this I left it at "tell her if you want". I just thought that maybe it would have been less uncomfortable for him to ignore her rather then tell her.

Today we went to visit my grandfather in the hospital. He stood there talking to my sick grandfather like everything was perfect between us. My mom & brother came to the hospital later on, he was pleasant with my family. They think he is a wonderful boyfriend. He took us all out for dinner. We acted like none of this happened. He was incredibly sweet & caring today. He held my hand. Was being flirty, kissing me etc. It was like I had my old boyfriend back. The sweet, caring, loyal, attentive guy that I love so much.

He tells me that he is going to take me to his Christmas party on the 20th, she will be there. He promised that it's "over" between them. He said that I should trust him because he came clean, told me about the text messages he was hiding from me. He also gave me her number. It's the right number, I called it & hung up. He also told me her last name (which I already knew from calling his work as a "client" and asking for her name). He says it is really over. That he could never cheat on me & that I mean so much more then some girl he hardly knows. I REALLY want to believe him. I just don't understand how he could be with me all week, act affectionate, be intimate with me & text message her, lie to me.

I have decided that I am going to drop the subject. Not ask him about her anymore. Hopefully he will bring her up Monday & be able to look me in the eye & tell me that he told "her" about us. Whether or not he does I can't help but stick around, at least until the 20th. If he takes me then I know it's over. If he doesn't then I think him & I are over.

I do appreciate all your feedback, though most is easier said then done. It feels like it is impossible to let him go. When things are crap between us, I can't help but think of days like today & I crave him. In our 5 years there was so much more good then bad. I love him beyond words. I want to marry him. I want to have his children. I can't help it. If things continue with her, it's finished. He knows this. I am prepared to let him go, if need be. I just can't walk away now because as far as I know (& believe) he hasn't cheated. He lied, yes, but there was no physical contact between them while we were together. I also keep reminding myself that I broke up with him. His doubts and confusion are likely a result of my actions.

When he held me & looked me in the eyes, I really believed him. I feel like I owe it to him & myself to let go of my insecurities & trust him. I think it might be different this time. God I hope so.

I'll keep you updated.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:47 AM.

© 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!