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I realize that my other thread is a lot to read. So here are some general questions.

1) Why cheat? If you lost interest in your partner why not tell them & move on?

2) If you have doubts about being with someone & that person says "go explore your doubts "break up & see where things are in a few months". Why not take that rather then being with them & playing hot & cold?

3) If someone REALLY wanted to cheat wouldn't they lie & tell you that they have ended it with the other person? Rather then admitting that they still talk to that person at work & that they haven't told the other person that we are back together? FYI He never cheated on me, just started something with a coworker while we were broken up & now wants me back but hasn't officially ended things with her. He TELLS me that he talks to her, smiles, flirts etc. but that I mean enough not to act on it. If he wanted to play us both, he could. I wouldn't find out.

4. Is flirting acceptable? If you are in a 5 year relationship with someone you say you want to marry & have children with. Is it normal? Married men flirt... Do all men in relationships flirt?

5. Will doubts lead to cheating??

6. If someone has given you no reason to ever suspect them of cheating in 5 years would they really start cheating now??

7. Is it normal for your boyfriend of 5 years to exclude you from activities with friends? eg. Hanging out with guys, drinking etc. He says it's awkward to hang out with all guys & me.



Help?? Please...
You can't really expect fair responses to these questions if we're to answer them in the vacuum of circumstances you've listed. There are a lot of variables in each relationship, different personalities, different phases of life, et cetera, that can and do affect each bullet point.

We really have to read your other threads to see where you're coming from.

Having read your other thread, I'll take a stab. These are only my specific opinions as they relate to your situation at this point in time.

[QUOTE]1) Why cheat? If you lost interest in your partner why not tell them & move on?[/QUOTE]

In your case, you broke up with your BF and are now in the process of trying to make things work again. He is probably going through a LOT of different emotions -- my guess would be uncertainty, love, hurt and anger. Add to this mix another cute girl showing interest in him. I don't know that he'd necessarily set out and "want" to cheat, but I think he's certainly predisposed at this point with all that's happened to him and the relationship with you from his perspective.

[QUOTE]2) If you have doubts about being with someone & that person says "go explore your doubts "break up & see where things are in a few months". Why not take that rather then being with them & playing hot & cold?[/QUOTE]

Because he'd spent five years with you and is probably wanting to salvage the good times you had as much as you are. His heart is telling him to go in one direction, and his brain is telling him something else.

[QUOTE]3) If someone REALLY wanted to cheat wouldn't they lie & tell you that they have ended it with the other person? Rather then admitting that they still talk to that person at work & that they haven't told the other person that we are back together? FYI He never cheated on me, just started something with a coworker while we were broken up & now wants me back but hasn't officially ended things with her. He TELLS me that he talks to her, smiles, flirts etc. but that I mean enough not to act on it. If he wanted to play us both, he could. I wouldn't find out.
[/QUOTE]

Wait. I thought it was one date (coffee?) and a kiss on the cheek. Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine yourself in his spot. If you'd gone out with a coworker only one time (someone you see A LOT in a professional capacity), had a good time, a kiss on the cheek, would you go out of your way to announce to the guy weeks later that you're back with an old ex? Talk about awkward. I wouldn't. I'd probably just let things die out on their own unless and until an opportunity presented itself to me where I could delicately let the person know I'd reconnected with an ex.

[QUOTE]4. Is flirting acceptable? If you are in a 5 year relationship with someone you say you want to marry & have children with. Is it normal? Married men flirt... Do all men in relationships flirt?[/QUOTE]

Again, depends. In your situation, TODAY, I don't think it's wise for him to be telling you he's off flirting with anyone while trying to mend things with you. But you need to stop seeing this as a "5-year relationship." You had that at one time. You broke up with him. Now you're trying to fix things and make it work. You keep saying five years, assuming everything was rosey and peaches and perfect. Obviously it wasn't -- and you two broke up. At this point, you're sort of back to the drawing board. And, NO, I don't think it's appropriate for either of you to be off flirting with others while you're trying to make your relationship flourish again.

[QUOTE]5. Will doubts lead to cheating??[/QUOTE]

Hopefully not. Hopefully he's got some kind of conscious and would break things off with you if he really pursues the coworker. This is really a moral issue. Is he a good guy? Is he vindictive? Remember, you broke up with him. He might be royally pissed and relishing the thought of "getting you back" with a world of hurt.

[QUOTE]6. If someone has given you no reason to ever suspect them of cheating in 5 years would they really start cheating now??[/QUOTE]

Again, you need to look at your situation. Scratch the 5-year thing. You had five years. Now you're back a few weeks or months -- you passionately wanting him and him probably hurt and confused. So given your situation, yeah, I think you need to proceed with caution. I also think you need to have a realistic expectation that this might take a bit of time for him to get back into the groove of a relationship with you. You obviously had some kind of epiphany or something that made you want to get back together after you'd broken up with him. He might need a bit of time for that feeling to come back as strong for him as it did for you -- assuming it even does.

[QUOTE]7. Is it normal for your boyfriend of 5 years to exclude you from activities with friends? eg. Hanging out with guys, drinking etc. He says it's awkward to hang out with all guys & me.[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is normal no matter how long you've been together.


All in all, after reading many of your posts about this, unless I've missed something huge in the past, I think you need to eat a little crow here and accept that he was obviously hurt when you broke up with him and isn't just going to overnight POOF make his brain love you the way he did. I don't know if you're up for this challenge. And I think it's up to you to make the concessions here -- again, based on what you've written. You broke up with him, realized what you lost and came back. He was on his way to possibly connecting with someone new. I'm sure having the comfort and routine of his old flame back in his life is very welcoming -- but then his brain kicks in and reminds him of the hurt he felt when you broke up and how much better he felt when he was with someone new. But then he probably sees your eyes, your hands, your mannerisms, little things you say and do, and his heart strings are pulling at him strong to work to have a good relationship back with you.

This is going to be a challenge, for you especially. You're going to need to find a lot of empathy in your heart for what he's gone through and is facing. It really might be worthwhile to go your separate ways before things become volatile.

Best of luck.
[QUOTE=Watersigh;3821172]You seem awfully distraught for someone who found something wrong enough in the relationship to end it. You haven't really posted what he did that made you want to end it in the first place. Has that situation been resolved? [/QUOTE]

The past 2 months or so before our break up we had been fighting over little things. Just small random arguments. Really petty. Nothing of substance. Looking back I think that things just started to get dull between us. It was almost like routine. The end all argument; he made a stupid joke, I didn't like it, I complained, he said he is sick of fighting, I told him we shouldn't be together. Really lame.

Has it been resolved? There really wasn't anything important to resolve. I suppose I realize that I sometimes overreact. I should choose my fights more carefully. The joke wasn't even about me, just something I found rude & inappropriate. I think he needs to understand that things his buddies find amusing, I may not. We have talked about this & agree.

[QUOTE=Watersigh;3821172]And now that he has told you that he has been with and continues to think about the girl he saw during your breakup, I'm not sure I understand why you would be so adamant about getting back together with him? It almost seems like now, the only reason why you want him back is because he already has someone in mind for when he's no longer with you, not because you actually want him back for having a real relationship.[/QUOTE]

Why am I so adamant about getting back together with him? Well after we broke up, he called me for the first few days. He said he knew it was stupid, didn't understand why were fighting & that he doesn't want to break up. I told him I felt differently. I kind of did but I think I just expected us to work things out in time. My fault, I know. I love him, I am committed to him, he is a great boyfriend, we are great together (for the most part), he is the only person I could ever see myself marrying & having children with. I really feel like we understand each other, when we aren't together I miss him & when we are together there is nothing that compares to the feeling I get. I know he loves me, I know that I can always depend on him (minus this bump in the road), I know that he feels the same about me. He is truly my best friend.

When I first decided that I was being completely ridiculous & that I had let go of an amazing guy I had no idea about this other girl. It had nothing to do with her. I genuinely missed him & "us". Even once we started talking again he told me he missed & loved me too but that I broke his heart etc. When I really felt the pull in him, the doubts, thats when he told me about her. I did leave him alone when he first told me he wasn't sure, but he came back to me. He started calling me again, we started hanging out, he wanted a relationship, I wanted a relationship. Thats what started the back & fourth. If he told me that he doesn't want to be with me, that he is over me, that he wants to start something new with her, I would walk away. It was my fault we broke up, it was my fault it wasn't resolved faster, I love him enough not to be selfish.





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