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I feel like I should give a little background info. Please note that I wrote this after what's below it, so it maybe somewhat incongruous... Gonna make it brief, anyway.
[I]When we first met, she was two weeks removed from a six to seven year marriage. Her husband had left her two weeks before. She is seven years older than me and has two very young children. We became friends and talked fairly regularly. For a few months, things were fine. We hung out briefly on a couple of occasions, but most of our interaction was done by phone. In late November, things changed. We started to talk more frequently. She started to invite me out on a regular basis. By December, she was calling me nearly every weekend to hang out. The weekend before Christmas, she called me to hang out three days in a row. Mind you, we were alone. It wasn't a group hang out. There were other weird signs, as well. One time she told me I couldn't get married to anyone but her, she acted jealous if I'd talk about other women, she started asking questions about my sex life, she introduced me to her brother, etc. Realizing the complexity of her life - still married, two children - I never tried to physically advance. Two days before Christmas, I called her asked if she wanted to spend Christmas with me. She said "no." I asked if we were going to end up together. She said "no." I'm not terribly pleased with how I handled the situation, but given her life, I didn't know what else to do. There's other stuff, as well, including subtle things like the way she would look at me or speak to me, but that's the brief summary. [/I]

Very diverse responses. Thank you for all of them.

Yes, I definitely put her on a pedestal. At the same time, I am now and have always been completely aware of her faults, which are many. There were also a TON of other complicated, complex issues, as well, that probably figured into her decision. But, as I said, I've analyzed this to death.

When we met, I never, ever imagined that things would go the route they did. Particularly because her life is extraordinarily complicated and I didn't want to involve myself with someone with her issues. I thought she would be a nice friend and that's it. But, as I've told everyone around me who thinks I'm crazy for being interested in her, you don't choose who you fall for. It just happened.

I agree that I need to enlarge my circle of friends. The problem is, I am not the type of guy who can be only friends with a girl. It NEVER works. I don't know why. My younger brother has a ton of female friends. But for me, someone always ends up with feelings for the other person. It has happened every time I've tried. And don't get me wrong, some of them have been nice friendships, but in the end, they ultimately dissolve or blossom into relationships. That was obviously the case here, with the former being the outcome.

I really really want to date and move on. I think I HAVE to try. But again, I just can't seem to have any interest in anybody else. I mean, I'm still physically attracted to other women and I've met other women whose personalities I've liked, but I can't seem to care enough to bother trying. And I almost feel like that if I was to try, I'd just be cheating the woman because my mind and heart would be somewhere else. But I guess I have to try, anyway.

Another part of the problem is that I've always considered myself an excellent reader of people. I was so certain she felt the same and, as was suggested, I really built up my expectations and was completely shocked when she rejected me. My heart plummeted through my body, dropped out, ran to the window and took a nose dive onto the pavement. I've never been more shocked about anything. Ever. I've tried to convince myself that the so-called "signs" were just my imagination, but even now I have a hard time accepting that I was wrong.

I'm definitely hanging onto this, still, but I don't want to. I don't want to hang on. I don't want to think that it might still work. I want to accept that I was wrong about the way she felt. It really sucks.

[QUOTE=pendulum;3823168]I haven't read what the other posters wrote. I will give you a very intuitive answer, though. I don't know if it will work, but if I were in your shoes I would try and talk to her again. Exactly. What do you have to lose? This is maybe an obsession. Maybe you have to approach her again, from a different angle, to see that she is ultimately not so great. I am sorry, but she is just another human being. I don't know what caused the break-up, but anyway forget your pride and try to reach her again. If she says no, if she doesn't even want to listen to what you have to say, consider making a long trip somewhere. Different environments will certainly make you a lot of good at this moment.[/QUOTE]

I've thought of this, but I don't know what I would say to her. We both agreed that we can't ever be friends again. And that's still the truth. I don't know that I have nothing to lose. If I call her up and she flat out refuses to speak to me, I might be a blow to my self esteem. Yeah, I'd be right where I am now without her at all, but I'd have the added pain of having crawled back and then shot down. Furthermore I just don't know what I would say or do. I'd still love to be with her, but she rejected me. I can't go in there begging or something.

I hope someone reads at least part of that! Haha.
So even though you were not a couple, it felt like you were a couple. And then, in addition to being rejected, you don't really know why you were rejected since you felt she was sending you "go" signals.

Yea, that's rough. And I can see why it would be hard to get over. But basically, it sounds like you were there for her at a point where she needed you. Some people (and excuse me but it's mainly women) send "come get me" messages just for the rush of doing it. It sounds like she was using you to the full extent of the friendship. I don't mean "using" in the bad sense. She may have thought your being a couple was so far out of the realm of possibility that you were just sort of playing a game too. Things may have just gotten out of control from her perspective.

Does she know you still have such strong feelings for her? Is she in the same circle that this message is getting back to her without your actually calling? If she is, I'd let it drop. They'd be telling you she's interested, not telling you to get over her.

If you have no idea how she feels, I'd suggest giving her a call at Christmas and wishing her a happy holiday. That simple. Thinking of you, hoping all is going well, Merry Christmas....(or New Year's if you don't celebrate Christmas.) If she doesn't take the ball and run with it, you have your answer.
[QUOTE=resolution09;3824497]So even though you were not a couple, it felt like you were a couple. And then, in addition to being rejected, you don't really know why you were rejected since you felt she was sending you "go" signals.

Yea, that's rough. And I can see why it would be hard to get over. But basically, it sounds like you were there for her at a point where she needed you. Some people (and excuse me but it's mainly women) send "come get me" messages just for the rush of doing it. It sounds like she was using you to the full extent of the friendship. I don't mean "using" in the bad sense. She may have thought your being a couple was so far out of the realm of possibility that you were just sort of playing a game too. Things may have just gotten out of control from her perspective.

Does she know you still have such strong feelings for her? Is she in the same circle that this message is getting back to her without your actually calling? If she is, I'd let it drop. They'd be telling you she's interested, not telling you to get over her.

If you have no idea how she feels, I'd suggest giving her a call at Christmas and wishing her a happy holiday. That simple. Thinking of you, hoping all is going well, Merry Christmas....(or New Year's if you don't celebrate Christmas.) If she doesn't take the ball and run with it, you have your answer.[/QUOTE]

No, we're not in the same circle. We don't have any mutual friends. I went to her birthday party last year and met some of her friends, but I didn't keep in touch with any of them.

Let me give you a bit more info on the aftermath:

The day she rejected me, I told her that I didn't think we could be friends anymore, so I went to her apartment and gave her all her stuff back. She told me to call her if I changed my mind about being friends. Two days later, on Christmas, she sent me a "merry Christmas" and said the same thing, "call me if you change your mind." Two weeks later I decided I should try to be friends because I missed her. At this point she told me she was freaked out and needed more time, but would call me "soon." A month goes by and I hear nothing. I run into her on the subway and we talk. She tells me she's getting divorced, I talk about my life. Everything seems great. She says, "I'll call you soon." She doesn't call. A month and a half later I call her and ask her what's going on. I ask if she wants to be friends or not and explain that it's ok if she doesn't want to be friends, but I just want to know, so I can let it go and stop worrying about it. She says she does want to be friends and she's over what happened. She says I can call her whenever I want. Nice conversation. I call her two weeks later and leave a message. No response. I run into her two days afterwards and she makes up a lie about not getting my message and says she'll call me when comes back from a trip. Time goes by and she doesn't call. I give up. I delete her number. I'm trying to move on. Two months pass and I get a text message saying that, "I'll call you soon!" I'm confused. A week passes without a call and finally I respond to the text, telling her that "I'm confused about what's going on. Why she keeps saying she'll call me, but doesn't call. I even get messages that she'll call. It's like coming attractions at the movies, or something." She flips out on me. She accuses me of making everything into a big deal. I tell her that I'm not making anything into a big deal that I'm just confused. She tells me she's really stressed about her divorce and the fact that she has two young children She refuses to tell me anything about why she has been sending mixed signals. She keeps saying that she "can't have this conversation." She tells me that she liked our friendship, but doesn't think we can ever go back there. She says that she doesn't feel like she can trust me, because she's never going to know what I'm thinking or how I really feel about her. I tell her I'm not in love with her and that I just want to be friends. She keeps trying to get off the phone and finally I let her. She concludes by saying she doesn't think she's going to call me again. I tell her "ok" and tell her to delete my number and that I'll delete hers.

It wasn't a mean spirited or confrontational conversation, but somber.

That phone call was at the end of May. And that's the last I've heard of her. I haven't run into her. I've avoided places where I might run into her. I have no idea what's going on in her life. I assume she's divorced by now. I don't know whether she's single or with someone. I don't know anything about her, anymore. Like I said, we have no common friends.

I'm lapsing back into the analysis here, but what the heck...

She's completely right in that we can't go back to being friends. Things went way too far in another direction. I mean, she invited me to go to France and Africa with her. Alone. There were a lot of things, in my opinion, at least, that went beyond just being friends. We became very close in the end. It can't go back to friendship.

That said, I don't understand why she kept saying she'd call me and then didn't. Even after I asked her if she wanted to be friends, she still played the same gig after telling me she did want to be friends. It was about five months of "I'll call you soons" and no calls. I don't get that. I don't get how one weeks she texts me out of the blue telling me that she'll call me soon and the next week, she never wants to speak to me again.

A large part of the reason I'm finding it hard to move on is that everything was so confusing. I don't think I'll ever really understand it. Her life is infinitely more complex than I can imagine: having two children and being recently separated or divorced. It was never ideal. No one encouraged me to pursue such a woman and I never thought I would. But like I said, you don't really pick who you fall for.

The one thing I really really regret is telling her that I wasn't in love with her. I did it because I thought we could just be friends, but it wasn't the truth. I don't like to lie. Not about that, especially.





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