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Relationship Health Message Board

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My boyfriend & I have been together for 5 years. We were 18 & 19 when we met & each others only serious relationships.

I have never known a healthy male/female romantic relationship. My parents were high school sweethearts who got pregnant with me at a young age & my father disappeared. She hasn't had a long term relationship since. Nobody in my family is married, the women are all single mothers. My grandmother has 5 children with 3 different men, the men being absent. This seems to be a pattern in my family history. I don't want this for myself.

I feel like I am unhappy in my relationship. My boyfriend has some serious anger problems. Example: A few nights ago he invited me to watch the UFC fight at his place (my effort to take interest in his hobbies). He had some guys over, we played poker. As I was reeling in my winnings I accidentally hit a button on the remote and the screen went fuzzy. He flipped on me. Something along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with you etc." Even his friends thought he was being a complete jerk. This is someone who is supposed to love me & he totally humiliated me in front of his buddies. I can't count how many times he has blown up at me for trivial things. I feel unappreciated by him. He doesn't do any of the nice things he did in the beginning. I would love for him to open the car door for me. To surprise me with tickets to a play etc. Sure we go out for dinner a couple times a month & movies here & there, but it doesn't give me that happy tingly feeling. Do all relationships feel this way?? Is it because we have gotten comfortable with each other?

Back at the end of November to early December we broke up for a few weeks. It took him less then 2 weeks to ask a coworker out on a date. He spewed all this crap about how he could never move on until he knows that I have & that I'm happy blah blah blah. Not even 2 weeks. You know what I did? Sat around missing him, miserable. We decided to get back together & initially he told me it was 1 date & 1 kiss on the cheek. Later he confessed that she had come over to his place twice. Even after we were back together he was still text messaging her & calling her. He says that he missed me & was trying to find someone to take my place. How cold is that? Not a full two weeks & he's looking for a replacement? I feel like if he is really able to move on that quickly that I couldn't have meant that much to him.

We went out for dinner tonight. He made a comment about how he heard on the radio that 35% of women will be spending New Years with an animal rather then a man, then he said "that would have been you if we didn't get back together". I told him that I would have found a date by now, and that I know he would have. He got mad & said "what happened to if we broke up it would take you months to get over me?". I told him that I wouldn't be over him but wouldn't sit around sulking either. He said "that wouldn't be fair to the guys you were dating". I said "so you are saying that you were over me when you went out with her?". He says "guys are different". I feel like he likes rubbing this stuff in, that it makes him feel good that he can pick up girls whenever he wants and he knows that I will sit around mourning him.

Sometimes he tells me how he wants to have a baby, get married etc. other times his plans for the future involve moving back to Europe (he knows I would never leave my family here). After 5 years I feel like we should be striving for a common goal and a future but I'm not sure that we are.

When we are fighting & I bring up breaking up, he will say things like "you don't know how good you have it", how other guys will cheat on me etc. This worries me. What if he's right? What if I never find someone better? What if the next guy is a cheater & the guy after that physically abusive? What if I we break up but I never stop loving him, always miss him?? I do love him. I do love that we are comfortable with each other. I don't want to go back to the awkward stages of just getting to know one other, not knowing where you stand.

In a perfect world he would be sweet all the time. He would do nice things for me just because. I would never come second to anyone/anything else. If we broke up, he would fly to the moon to get me back, not shrug his shoulders & ask someone else out after a week or two. Is this realistic? Do I just watch to many romance movies? Do I just have unrealistic expectations? Is it normal to have doubts about your relationship or do doubts signify the end? What is a normal relationship?? I accept that two individuals are not going to get along 100% of the time but should we fight this often?? How do you know, like really know that a person is "the one"??

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