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And I feel absolutely horrible about it.

We have been dating for about six months now, but known each other for 10. When I first met her, I was in a long-distance relationship (different countries) with someone else, an emotionally abusive girl with massive mental problems. My current girlfriend knew about this girl, and we still had sex on the same day that we met.
We continued meeting and having sex for a while, before she asked me to end things with the other girl, due to us both having massive moral issues with what we were doing. I agreed to do this, and really tried to end the relationship, but my then-girlfriend responded by trying to commit suicide. I told the new girl about this, and she was supportive about the whole thing. However, after a while she decided that she couldn't live with the situation, and it became apparent to me that I was about to lose her (and I was really starting to fall in love with her).
Since I was unable to end the abusive relationship I was in at the time, due to massive manipulation by my girlfriend (she had borderline personality disorder), even though we were living in different countries and had not seen each other in four months, I lied to my current girlfriend. I told her that I had ended the relationship, though in reality I wasn't able to find the emotional strength to really do it until a month and a half later (I was going through a period of severe depression and anxiety at the time). I also had to tell a number of smaller lies to be able to make her believe that I had really ended the relationship.

She and I started thinking of ourselves as being in a relationship with each other at about the same time that my relationship with the other girl ended (I think only a week or two later). At the time, I thought that made the lying somewhat more acceptable, as at least there was no real commitment to each other before then (or, rather, she was reluctant to commit to me) - but now I know that I was wrong. Lying to a person you love is never right.

I have generally tried my best to be truthful and honest with her after this, although I may have failed on a small number of occasions - probably not more than 4-5 times, and these were, with one exception, white lies. But last night I failed again, and told a lie about how I had gone to a new year's eve party, while in reality I spent the night at home. She was with some of her friends. At times I suffer from social anxiety, and this was the reason I did not go to the party I was invited to. I was too ashamed to admit to her that I didn't feel able to go, and instead told an elaborate lie about how I had spent the evening.

I feel absolutely horrible about all this, and I realize that I can't tell her any more lies, because I can't deal with it morally anymore. The question is if I should tell her the truth behind the lies I have told her in the past (in which case she will probably leave me, not due to finding out the truth, but because I have lied to her), or if I should just let it be, saving us both from a lot of pain, and do my best to be truthful and honest in the future. What do you think?
Zenstation,
I am relieved to read your initial post. Your title sounded so ominous...Your so called lies really sound more honorable that mean or cruel. You were in a difficult situation with your previous girlfriend and you were essentially treading gently. You were trying to do the right thing by two people and that is a great feat. Let the past alone, going over it will only make it seem worse than it really is.

No it is not right to lie, you know that and this experience has concreted it in for you. But I think there are worse things that you could have done. We all tell little white lies, sometimes these are necessary and they should do no harm.

As for lying about your new years party. We all feel like that at times, just don't want to be around others. Forcing yourself to go would have worse for you. Your girlfriend is a psychologist so you are in good hands. She supported you through the difficulties with your previous girlfriend so she has a very good understanding of the complexities of mental health. Tell her the truth and if she is good to her professional and to you as your girlfriend it shouldn't be a major issue, she should be a good shoulder to lean on.

J

J





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