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[I]Hello All,

I don't know if I am looking more for advice, support, or just an understanding ear to listen, but please read and respond. This is a bit length, but thanks in advance to anyone who reads and offers advice or personal stories from a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have been talking about getting engaged and everything is great between us - except for his mother. She has had it in for me since he and I first started dating. She had already made her mind up about me before I even met her.

The first time we met was during a stressful time. My boyfriend had a car accident about 4 months into our relationship. I was the first one at the hospital to sit with him since I live only 20 minutes away from him and his parents were 2 hours away. When his family got to the hospital, his dad and his sister introuduced themselves and were friendly enough, but his mother came right in the room, walked past me like she didn't even notice I was there, and began questioning the doctor's every move and hovering over my boyfriend like he's a 5 year old, instead of a 25 year old. She briefly said hello at one point, without a smile, and that was as much of a meeting or introduction as we ever had. I cut her some slack because I knew she was probably stressed out and scared about her son being in a car accident. Everything was fine though, but still...I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

While he was recovering from a broken collarbone, he was unable to work and thusly, moved home to be with his parents for a month or so until he got better. During this time, he was unable to drive, so I made the two hour drive to see him. His mother met me at the door, acted awkward about me even being there, and just pointed me in the direction of my boyfriend's room where he was resting. She barely spoke to me after that. I made two or three subsequent trips over the course of his recovery and each one was about the same in regards to her behavior toward me. Needless to say, it became frustrating because I had no idea why she was giving me the cold shoulder.

Christmas came during the time that my boyfriend was convalescing at his parents house. My boyfriend called and told me that he and his parents and sister would be traveling about three hours away for Christmas Eve to visit with some family he hadn't seen in a while and that he wanted me to go. I agreed, thinking nothing more of it, until a week later he mentioned the trip again and told me that he hated it, but his mother didn't want me there, saying she wouldn't "have her Christmas ruined."

My feelings were extremely hurt and I was furious that she would do something like that without cause, so I wasn't able to meet his extended family because of her. I made my boyfriend aware of the situation and he talked not only to his mother, but also to his dad, trying to figure out what it was about me that bothered her so bad. Nothing came to light. All he really got out of her was, "Well, I know we don't get along, but I don't hate her." What is that supposed to mean?

Mother's Day came next and (things were getting much better when I was around her since my boyfriend's numerous chats with her by this point) it was still awkward and we basically just didn't talk to each other. I met the extended family and everyone was very nice, except his mom. She finally did break down and give me a hug when he and I were leaving that day and that was the first time she had ever done that and he and I had been together for a year!

I spent 4th of July with his mom and sister, by myself without my boyfriend in tow. He was working that day and when his sister told me she wanted me to drive up and spend the day with her, I was more than happy to, especially thinking I might extend the olive branch to his mother. The three of us went shopping and that was the best that it has ever been between his mother and I, but it was still very strained and she acts like she wishes I would drop dead on the spot.

This Christmas I actually warranted an invitation to their house for the holiday. It was good except for the fact that everytime she wanted to ask me something it was like she would talk through other people. For example, she would say "Dan, how has Lisa's school been going? Isn't she close to graduating?" and I'm sitting in the room! I HATE IT!

I rarely communicate with her even in person, so I would NEVER call or e-mail her or anything. Once again trying to make peace with whatever it is about me that she hates, I asked my boyfriend for his mom's email address and if he thought it would be okay for me to send an email to her and thank her for the Christmas gift she and his dad bought for me. He said he thought it would be good. I sent the email and she responded, but the reply was pretty generic and she didn't even sign it or anything. It was like there was no thought put into it.

A few days later, I wrote her back and told her that my family was having a birthday party for my boyfriend at our house and that a good many people were coming (this is coming up in about two weeks). I told her that I knew she usually just liked to meet halfway somewhere and have dinner at a restaurant together for his birthday, but that I wanted her to know they were welcome to come and just to let me know if they would be interested because we would love to have them.

After three days, she still hadn't replied to my email. Instead, she wrote an email to my boyfriend about something totally unrelated and at the very end of it, mentioned that she and his dad would not be able to make it to the "little party" we were having. She couldn't even dignify me with a response. My boyfriend emailed her back and told her she could reply directly to me and that she didn't have to go through him to talk to me. Her response? "I would reply directly to her if I had anything to say." Maybe I'm overreacting, but I invited her to a party that I am paying for that we didn't have to extend the invitation to, but did so to make them feel welcome and invited because I never have when I'm around them, and she doesn't feel like there is anything to reply to? Seriously?

I'm not wanting to be friends with this woman. I don't HATE anyone, but I certainly do not like her and feel a great deal of animosity toward her. Everytime my boyfriend and I are around her, I leave feeling either furious, anxious, like I want to cry, or a combination of the three and it isn't healthy, but she's his mother. I don't want him to ever feel like he has to choose between me and his mother, but something has to give. I know that the problem lies with her, not me, and I've tried killing her with kindness until I'm blue in the face.

She doesn't have to love me, she doesn't even have to like me, I'm just asking for some civility when it comes to us having to be around each other. It's awkward and I hate every minute of it. I thought about emailing her and telling her that I didn't know what it was about me that she didn't like, but I wish we could talk about it, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that her behavior gets to me that bad. I dont' know what to do!! I know my relationship with my boyfriend is all that really should matter, but this is driving me up the wall. Everything about her makes my blood boil. It's gotten to the point that my boyfriend can't hardly even mention his mother in casual conversation without me feeling a low level anger rising up in the pit of my stomach. Someone help. This is really getting to me. I'm a fixer and I don't know how to fix this one! Sorry for the length, by the way.

Thanks,
A Spitin' Mad Girlfriend :mad:[/I]





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