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Relationship Health Message Board


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I think there are two things going on in your situation. First is your low self esteem. I understand totally about being treated poorly in school, as I was too. I was beaten up, picked on, made fun of, or just ignored all through school and by the time I graduated high school I was a mess. I was later diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. So while I totally understand that a hard childhood and adolescence can cause low self esteem and problems connecting with others, it's also not fair to make those issues another person's problem. You can see that it's unreasonable to sit there and get yourself upset just because you see a pretty girl on a movie screen or something just because you're imagining what your boyfriend must be thinking. I suggest the first thing you need to do is work on healing yourself, however you can, even trying therapy. It may sound like a cliche, but it really is true, you are your own salesperson, and every day in the world you are selling yourself to others, including potential employers, potential friends, and potential lovers and boyfriends and significant others. If you can't believe in your product, how can you make anyone else believe in it? If you feel you are not a good catch and a decent guy wouldn't want you, then that's where you start. Work on you and become the kind of woman you would be proud to be, the kind of woman who would be a great catch for any man.

The second thing I feel that is going on here is that you are in a relationship with a man who isn't really respecting you. And he has surrounded himself with lowlife people who make you feel uncomfortable, and who also disrespect you. I've been there, too, and I learned the hard way that any man who would take the side of a sleazy lowlife who is disrespecting you over you, that's a man who isn't worth having. Can you see how twisted and faulty that logic is? "I'm lucky to have him, I don't deserve any better so I should just thank goodness he wants to be with me, but he's mean sometimes, he doesn't comfort me, he lets his friends disrespect me, etc." The fact that you are feeling disrespected and neglected and not cherished, these feelings are clues that should be telling you that you aren't as lucky to have him as you think, and you know it deep down. If you feel "I'm being treated badly but I guess that's all I deserve" then the thing you need to fix is getting to the point where you believe you deserve better. It's unreasonable to settle for someone much less than what you want and then get mad at THEM for not being what you want them to be. YOU are the one making the choice to settle for a man who doesn't cherish you, who doesn't respect you, who doesn't care about your feelings. It's up to you to go out and find better, treat yourself better, and demand and expect better for yourself, it's NOT up to you to nag and badger and pout and emotionally blackmail him into respecting you, 1) because it doesn't work that way and 2) it's not fair.

Deep down, you know what you want, because you're not getting it and it's bothering you. Why on earth should you feel lucky to have something so much less than what you really want? If you're not getting what you want but feel you don't deserve what you really want, then get closer to being the kind of person who WOULD deserve those things. I think therapy with a skilled counselor could really help you get closer to being the kind of woman you can be proud of being and could help you boost your self esteem. And when that happens, you will feel better about being alone, even enjoy being alone, until a man who deserves YOU comes along, because you'll feel so good about being you that you will no longer need some inattentive, disrespectful, insensitive jerk in your life just to have some validation. Embrace the fact that this guy is unhealthy for you and you are NOT lucky to be with him, embrace the fact that your first step toward loving yourself better is to get rid of him, then work on becoming healthier and feeling better about being you, and not feeling jealous of some chick on a movie screen unless the man you're with gives you good reason to, and then you don't pout or whine or cry or get upset, you simply say "I deserve better than this" and put on your walking shoes and start walking until you find the guy who loves the you that you love.





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