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Relationship Health Message Board


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I have always been very shy with low self esteem so I never had confidence to approach guys. Because of this, I have met guys only through the internet-- older ones, as high school guys (and girls) didn't always treat me very nicely. The first guy I truly met off the internet in person turned out to be a complete jerk, an the second guy I met I am still in a 1-year relationship with currently, but I have been experiencing problems with him and it really really bothers me. First, since I was first with him, he never really showed much of a comforting and sympathetic side. It's not like he's always mean to me, though, as sometimes I will think he's so cute and sweet. But, he isn't the most understanding. One example is a few times I have gotten sick (as in nausea or some other ill feeling) while he was around, he never really shows too much compassion. Sometimes he'll even laugh or think it's a joke! No cuddling and saying everything will be all right. I don't know, I realize guys aren't into all the emotional mushy stuff women are more into, but still, shouldn't a guy comfort his girlfriend when she isn't feeling well?! Second, if I'm feeling depressed, sometimes it's like something will happen when we say something to each other or whatever and it'll set some argument off, only making me feel worse instead of him trying to, again, COMFORT me. Another thing I feel is that he doesn't try to protect or defend me enough. I know, I sound like a child when I say this and I know I am now an adult and he's not my father, so he can't be around all the time, but he is a man and I am a woman, so in theory, a man really is supposed to be the protector. And to give another example, one time when he introduced me to one of his so-called friends (who is a complete perv), all he kept doing was looking down my shirt the whole time, and my boyfriend never did anything about it! Then before we left his house (or whatever sort of dump he lives in), he wanted to pick me up as he was also drunk, and I know I should've refused but I was actually kind of scared to, so obviously my boyfriend would think I was flirting back with him. But even with that, just knowing he didn't tell his friend off still hurts me to this day. And then recently, his cousin (who is also a drunk and a druggie) actually grabbed me, pretending to flirt with me, and my boyfriend didn't do a damn thing even when I mouthed 'help'. But I said that I knew he was just joking since I had to say something in front of everyone in the room and there was no way I was going to tell off that big hot-tempered cousin of his!
I am so sorry that I'm making this long so I'm sure not too many people will be willing to read all this, but I want to add something else before I end this. Like I said, I have very low self esteem as I haven't always been treated very nicely by people and it's just effected me terribly, but I know this is going to sound like a crazy jealous girl type of thing so probably some of you will be like, oh my God, she's seriously overreacting, but I get extremely jealous when my boyfriend even just sees a hot girl on TV! Like if we're in the movies and a good-looking girl is on the screen, my heart will actually start pounding and I'll try not to think about what he is thinking. And he also watches porn a lot (though so do all his friends and his male family members, so it's no wonder why) and has two calendars at his work of "big boobed" girls and Eagles cheerleaders. Yes, again, it's JUST a guy thing, but he know that I hate when he talks about porn and when he mentions how hot the girl for that particularly month on the calendar is, but that's just it-- he still does it! He has told me that it bothers him when he has to watch everything he says around me and though that will be understandable especially to a lot of guys, it still makes me feel like my feelings don't mean a thing to him. And the depression and other issues I have just seem like they're a joke to him, too!
But, I don't have a real job (except for online writing gigs, which are very low pay and pay like every month or two) and I don't even have my permit to drive, but I am already 20! It just feels like I don't have any energy anymore to even go try to get a job and get on the road. Yeah I guess it sounds like I'm being very lazy, but seriously, I am giving up on my life. I'm sick of being depressed and feeling like I don't deserve to have good friends and a good caring boyfriend.. it's hard to believe I have ended up in such a bad position, and even when I have tried before to make my life better, it just all ends up falling apart again. And because of all of this and how difficult I can be (I sometimes wonder how HE still stays with me with how I can act), plus with my shyness, I know how not too many guys would want to be with me in the first place. And he will treat me to restaurants, fast food places, and buy me other things, so because of this too, I feel like I should be lucky to have him.
OK now I've gone kinda off topic off topic so I better end here. I know this is probably a weird post, but I didn't know how else to put this.





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