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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hello everyone. I'm new here, and I created this account because I desperately needed to open up to someone.

As far as relationships go, I've kind of prided myself on my ability to be invested in a relationship, but still keep my distance enough so that when it ends I can just be done with it and walk away. Little emotional trauma is suffered, which is good, but because of this I had kind of developed a fear of getting too close to someone. We have the first love to blame for this. It was years ago, but I loved her with all of my heart and I got it shattered and said I wasn't going to do that again for a long, long time. So, I ended up fancying myself as somewhat as an invincible lover, jumping from relationship to relationship, having fun with them and then moving on with ease when they were done.

But no longer. I'm an actor, and three or four months ago, I auditioned for a show on a whim. My then girlfriend had just broken up with me and I hadn't done a show in a while, so in an attempt to keep myself busy, I auditioned for one. And, just like so many movies I have seen before, that is where I met her.

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your personalities mesh so well that you know you would be good as friends but even better as a couple? Yes, that was this girl. She complimented my personality perfectly. So, I asked her on a date and the rest, as they say, is history.

We started spending a lot of time together, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was being treated how I deserved to be treated in a relationship. I would make her mix CDs all the time, and she would always be listening to them. Every time I got in her car, there was a CD I made her playing. I swear, we were like two puzzle pieces that found each other. We could be in any position and it was still comfortable.

Let me give you an idea of how comfortable I was with her. I have this book of quotes that I keep, I have over 50 pages of quotes that explain exactly how I feel about life. She is one of the only people that knows this book exists, and she is the only one besides me to ever open in. I would share these quotes with her on a regular basis, and I would pull it out when we were tucked away under mountains of covers (we live in Michigan, so it's so cold here in the winter, and since I'm in college, I live in a house that's 100 years old). No other girl I dated even knew I kept a journal like this, and I never wanted them to, but she was different.

Needless to say, I let myself fall hard for this one. I don't know what it was about her. Perhaps it was because she made me feel so alive inside, and I knew that even if it took an immense amount of work, the relationship was going to be a very rewarding one.

Two nights ago, she left. She said she couldn't give me what I wanted right now, because she still wasn't complete. You see, her experience with her first love was much more recent than mine was. He left her in March of last year, and though he treated her terribly throughout their relationship, she loved him nonetheless. When he left, she said it broke her very soul and challenged everything she thought she knew about love. She said she needed to work on herself before she could be in a relationship with me, and that is something I cannot argue with because I know it's true.

Regardless, she was balling the entire time. She said that she was more comfortable with me than with anyone she had ever been with, and that I showed her how a guy should treat a girl. She said that I was a beautiful person, inside and out, and that she wishes she had met me first (before she met the guy that broke her). In a moment of complete and utter honestly, I told her that I loved her. It probably wasn't best to say that while we were breaking up, but I said it and I meant it and I'm not apologizing for it. To this, she only cried more and wanted me told hold her. She tried to leave for twenty minutes, but every time she got to my door, she would turn around and come back to me, kiss me through the tears, and then try once again to leave. When she finally did get the courage to leave, she turned back and said "I care about you so much," and then walked through my door.

And then she was gone. I can honestly say that this is the single most heartbreaking experience of my life, even worse than when the first love left since she left because she didn't want to be with me. This one left because she is too scared of getting hurt again, and she can't be in a relationship until she fixes herself, not because she didn't want to be with me anymore.

Now I am completely broken. I am kicking myself for allowing myself to fall so hard for her, but I could not help it. There will times where I will be doing absolutely nothing and just break down because I can't handle it. I [U]never[/U] cry over girls. Ever. But she's different. She is worth the tears, worth the work, worth the tremendous pain she brought me. With her gone, the days seem much more grim and I imagine they will for a long time.

But I cannot give up hope! I know, even if it seems like you've hit rock bottom, that you are not completely lost until you let the small flame of hope die out within you. She hurt me greatly, but I still cannot get rid of this feeling that this is not the last I have heard of her. When she was leaving I said that this didn't feel like it was the end of us and she said she didn't feel that either, which gave me such hope that perhaps my desires that have been hidden in silent agony all this time might one day come to be recognized, not just by any old person, but by her, the first girl I have allowed myself to love since I got my heart broken those years ago.

So, here is the question I desperately need help finding an answer to: Is it foolish to hope for something so strongly when the situation looks as grim as it does right now?

I apologize for the length of this. I really just needed to open up to people who don't know me, because the only advice my friends can offer me is "get over it and get drunk."

"If there is ever a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh. I said to her as she was leaving the other night.

By the way, her name is Ariel and my name is Eric. I always joked that if we had kids we were going to name them Flounder and Sebastian.

If you read this whole thing, even if you do not respond, thank you. I take comfort in the knowledge that my sorrow does not go unrecognized, even if it is by someone I have never met living hundreds of miles away.

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