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My boyfriend of 6/7 months broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years about a month before he and I started dating. We had been seeing each other on and off for a year now. They have a 2 year old daughter who he sees about 4 days a week. I pretty much live with him so I see her that often also, although her mom doesn't even know he's dating!

Anyway, he also has a 8 year old son with another woman who he sees every other weekend, which was the case throughout his 5 year relationship with the current ex. I have not met his son yet, nor does his son know his dad is no longer with the girlfriend. My boyfriend only recently sat down his son and told him that he's no longer with the girlfriend...and his son didn't even seem to care!

So, my current dilemna is that the current ex has requested to see/hang out with my boyfriend's son, who's not hers! My boyfriend agreed to ask his son if he wants to see her, which he'll probably ask this weekend. I'm deeply hurt by this in that I feel like he's honoring HER request, not his son's. If my boyfriend had arranged meetings for his son and his ex early on in the breakup, I would understand. I would also understand if his son (of his own accord) asked to see his dad's ex girlfriend. But it's the fact that SHE is asking and he's taking steps to honor HER request... I told my boyfriend my concerns and he didn't understand and told me that I don't understand the situation. He basically told me that it doesn't matter who asks first, that he's going to ask his son if he wants to see/hang out with the ex and my boyfriend is going to leave the final decision to his son.

Am I being jealous and paranoid? I often have feelings and suspicions that my boyfriend may still have feelings for his ex, so the jealous and paranoid feelings are nothing new for me. But I posted on here to find out others' opinions and find out if I have a valid point. If I do in fact have a valid point, what are my options? What can I say to my boyfriend to help him empathize with me? What can I say to make him realize how I see his true intentions (to honor HER request and cater to HER) as being hurtful to our relationship and any possibility I may have of EVER meeting his son? I feel like it's a step backward for us in that the ex will be in his son's life even longer which will prolong me meeting his son! Please help me! Please shed some light on this!!!
Thank all of your for your responses! While I agree with all of you on how important it is for his son to maintain a relationship with her (although she only saw him when he saw his father, every other weekend) if that's what the child wants, I want to kind of clarify why I posted this and my exact problem.

His son has not given any indication prior to now that he even missed her. In fact his son didn't seem to mind or care that his dad and his dad's girlfriend were no longer together. Although my boyfriend waited about 6 months AFTER the breakup to actually tell his son even though his son noticed that she was no longer living with my boyfriend. Anyway, my point is that his son has given absolutely no indication of wanting to see her. Not that it wouldn't be a good idea to ask him! In fact it would be. But my boyfriend NEVER did. He had been talking to his ex girlfriend 2 months ago and asked her why she asked about his son but never asked to see him or expressed a desire to see him, that's when she said it would be too difficult to physically see her ex's son's face. So last night she brought it up for a second time, about wanting to see his son. My boyfriend thinks that she's ready now and won't cry in front of his son so now he's going to ask his son if he wants to see her. I kind of understand that he would want to wait for his son to see her, but considering he still to this day hasn't talked to his son about possibly missing her, that it's not about his son, but about his ex. I would think that my boyfriend wouldn't have waited 6/7 months after the breakup to tell his son if it was important to know how his son may be feeling about the lack of contact with this woman. It almost seems to me as though he's treating the breakup with his ex as a trial separation. And to answer the question about why he's keeping me a secret: the first baby's mom became insanely jealous and upset when he started going out with the now ex. And the first baby's mom (the son's mom) claimed the then girlfriend had hit the son and for 3 months wouldn't not allow my boyfriend to have his son. Up until that point there was absolutley no legal/custody agreement in place, of course once this event occurred they went to court. Sooo, that brings us to now. My boyfriend wants to wait until his ex is with someone new before he tells her about me. He's afraid that before then that she might keep his daughter away from him, like the other woman did. I told him that it seems like he's enabling his ex by humoring her texts that express how much she misses him and how handsome he is and how hard it is to see him, and also by honoring HER request. I'm afraid that if she doesn't know that he's dating, that she's going to hold onto hope that they may get back together one day and she'll never move on. At least the first mom moved on, although she knew he was with someone else, whereas this ex doesn't. But that's why he's keeping me a secret. And I could possibly be a secret for a very long time if everything goes according to his "plan".

But I completely understand that it's a difficult situation and his son needs a transition out of the relationship with the ex rather than a sudden goodbye and no more contact, I understand that. But I'm suspicious that that's an excuse my boyfriend is using. I think people in this situation may handle it differently and it would be obvious that they're doing it for their child. But I'm scared that my boyfriend is doing it for her and to honor her request and that he's using his son as an excuse so he won't come across as appeasing HER. It doesn't help that I'm a secret or that he has no intention of intiating a custody order in case history repeats itself.

He's been so cautious when it comes to our relationship and his kids and what's best for them and to protect them. But something like not seeking a custody order after what happened to him and his son 4 years ago?! He might not be able to see his daughter because of the current ex! I'm so scared that he's purposely doing it so the ex stays happy. And asking his son if he wants to see her so the ex stays happy. And not letting her think he's dating anyone so the ex stays happy. And not telling her that her texts are inappropriate because they're not together anymore so she stays happy. I know that fathers and mothers have to sort of walk on eggshells so the other doesn't take the child from them, but I'm afraid that that's not what he's doing here. I know it's a touchy situation but it just seems like he's prolonging her feelings for him, enabling her to continue thinking she could get back with him, and stifling the relationship he has with me. It's almost like he's playing games with her and I'm afraid she'll think there's a chance and that she'll never move on and I'll always have to stay quiet when he's on the phone with her...
Well I see the daughter whenever he has her, unless the son is there too. The son has no idea at all that his dad is dating anyone.

I love my boyfriend so much. We've actually been seeing each other for a little over a year, but continuously for 6 months now. That other post is referring to the same guy... Although some things have definitely changed for the better.

I don't know how to approach any of this and I'm not sure what things I have the right to ask of him! I feel like I have no right to ask anything of him, but I don't know if that's the right way to think in this situation... I wish I knew what was going on in his head.





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