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Thank all of your for your responses! While I agree with all of you on how important it is for his son to maintain a relationship with her (although she only saw him when he saw his father, every other weekend) if that's what the child wants, I want to kind of clarify why I posted this and my exact problem.

His son has not given any indication prior to now that he even missed her. In fact his son didn't seem to mind or care that his dad and his dad's girlfriend were no longer together. Although my boyfriend waited about 6 months AFTER the breakup to actually tell his son even though his son noticed that she was no longer living with my boyfriend. Anyway, my point is that his son has given absolutely no indication of wanting to see her. Not that it wouldn't be a good idea to ask him! In fact it would be. But my boyfriend NEVER did. He had been talking to his ex girlfriend 2 months ago and asked her why she asked about his son but never asked to see him or expressed a desire to see him, that's when she said it would be too difficult to physically see her ex's son's face. So last night she brought it up for a second time, about wanting to see his son. My boyfriend thinks that she's ready now and won't cry in front of his son so now he's going to ask his son if he wants to see her. I kind of understand that he would want to wait for his son to see her, but considering he still to this day hasn't talked to his son about possibly missing her, that it's not about his son, but about his ex. I would think that my boyfriend wouldn't have waited 6/7 months after the breakup to tell his son if it was important to know how his son may be feeling about the lack of contact with this woman. It almost seems to me as though he's treating the breakup with his ex as a trial separation. And to answer the question about why he's keeping me a secret: the first baby's mom became insanely jealous and upset when he started going out with the now ex. And the first baby's mom (the son's mom) claimed the then girlfriend had hit the son and for 3 months wouldn't not allow my boyfriend to have his son. Up until that point there was absolutley no legal/custody agreement in place, of course once this event occurred they went to court. Sooo, that brings us to now. My boyfriend wants to wait until his ex is with someone new before he tells her about me. He's afraid that before then that she might keep his daughter away from him, like the other woman did. I told him that it seems like he's enabling his ex by humoring her texts that express how much she misses him and how handsome he is and how hard it is to see him, and also by honoring HER request. I'm afraid that if she doesn't know that he's dating, that she's going to hold onto hope that they may get back together one day and she'll never move on. At least the first mom moved on, although she knew he was with someone else, whereas this ex doesn't. But that's why he's keeping me a secret. And I could possibly be a secret for a very long time if everything goes according to his "plan".

But I completely understand that it's a difficult situation and his son needs a transition out of the relationship with the ex rather than a sudden goodbye and no more contact, I understand that. But I'm suspicious that that's an excuse my boyfriend is using. I think people in this situation may handle it differently and it would be obvious that they're doing it for their child. But I'm scared that my boyfriend is doing it for her and to honor her request and that he's using his son as an excuse so he won't come across as appeasing HER. It doesn't help that I'm a secret or that he has no intention of intiating a custody order in case history repeats itself.

He's been so cautious when it comes to our relationship and his kids and what's best for them and to protect them. But something like not seeking a custody order after what happened to him and his son 4 years ago?! He might not be able to see his daughter because of the current ex! I'm so scared that he's purposely doing it so the ex stays happy. And asking his son if he wants to see her so the ex stays happy. And not letting her think he's dating anyone so the ex stays happy. And not telling her that her texts are inappropriate because they're not together anymore so she stays happy. I know that fathers and mothers have to sort of walk on eggshells so the other doesn't take the child from them, but I'm afraid that that's not what he's doing here. I know it's a touchy situation but it just seems like he's prolonging her feelings for him, enabling her to continue thinking she could get back with him, and stifling the relationship he has with me. It's almost like he's playing games with her and I'm afraid she'll think there's a chance and that she'll never move on and I'll always have to stay quiet when he's on the phone with her...





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