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Re: Human Doormat
Jan 25, 2009
I don't mean to ramble here, especially since it's 6:00 AM right now and I need to get to sleep, but I figure I should give you guys some specifics about the crushes I'd gone through over the past month or so, and I'll tell you about this situation I recently got myself into, which I've been needing advice on for a little while.

When I first got home for Winter Break, shortly after Christmas, I started thinking a lot about a girl friend of mine. We'll call her Kelly for now. I met her in college, she liked me way back when, and a mutual friend tried to set us up, but I wasn't really into her that much. Then I wondered if I was being too picky and I decided to give it a shot, only to find out she had started dating another guy a few days before that. Kelly graduated last year, but she lives close to my hometown. She's single now, and I think she's still interested in me. I decided to maybe pursue things with her. We were going to a New Year's party together, and I thought maybe I could try kissing her or something. The day of New Year's Eve, I realized that I'd been getting all excited picturing what it would be like to date her. Then I realized something even worse: my feelings for her were lukewarm, at best, and I was already looking forward to when the relationship would end. Ridiculous of me, I know. I absolutely had no desire to sleep with her, didn't really feel attracted to her, and I was actually afraid that I would wind up stuck in a long-term relationship with her. Realizing these things, I kind of had a breakdown that day and I decided it was a bad idea. Unless my feelings about her changed, I realized things were just not going to work out.

Next, I started getting a crush on another girl, who we will call Cathy. I had known Cathy since high school. She had dated one of my friends for as long as anyone could remember. They broke up over the summer, and I noticed that Cathy seemed to be paying a lot of attention to me all of a sudden. I consulted some friends on this, and they told me not to read too much into it, she was really confused and "all over the place right now", as they put it. Still, I thought of taking her out to lunch one day and seeing if anything started to develop between us. I didn't go because my mom asked for my help making dinner that night. It was a lucky break for me because I later found out she really was very mixed up; she made out with two guys on two different nights later in the week, and she and her ex-boyfriend (my friend) had been having sex with each other while they were both home, even though my friend has a new girlfriend now. Needless to say, I think much less of my friend for cheating on his new girlfriend with his old girlfriend, and I'm just grateful I didn't get mixed up in that whole mess. Even if things had gone well, Cathy just got a job down in New Orleans. And it would have been strange to date her because she and my friend had dated for so long, and it seems they clearly still have feelings for one another.

So there I was last weekend, preparing to come back to college and stay single for a while longer. I would need to make some attempts to meet new women; my best friend back home is in worse shape than I am. His self-esteem is in the basement right now, he's in the worst physical shape of his life, and he has absolutely no clue how to meet women. He's miserable right now. Seeing some of my own behavior and beliefs reflected through him, I knew that he needed to change a lot more than his appearance and his approach to dating, but I didn't really feel like I was in the position to talk with him about most of that stuff. I wanted to give him some pointers and help him out a little bit, just to build his confidence even the tiniest bit. The problem is, I tend to have pretty low self-esteem myself, and I have lots of trouble myself when it comes to meeting women. I just thought that if I got better at it, I could help him out and show him that it's not that hard.

Anyway, where was I going with that? Oh yes, I thought I would come back to school single. However, last weekend, at the end of a night with my friends, another one of my girl friends came over as I was leaving and kissed me. I'm going to call her Kristy for now. I've also known Kristy since high school. She dated one of my friends on and off throughout college. I'm going to refer to him as Sam. I'm not sure when they broke up, but I thought he was ancient history. Apparently, it happened more recently than I realized, but I still don't know exactly when was the last time they were together.

During a party at Sam's house the next night, we had a talk about what had happened the night before, and we both agreed that it was kind of bad timing for us: I was about to go back to college, 8 hours away, and she was about to start a five-month teaching program in Peru. But I told Kristy that I would be back in May, and if she was still single, I would be interested in spending some more time with her and seeing what develops. She agreed that she thought that would be nice. Then we made out for about 20 minutes. Then we rejoined the party and tried to pretend nothing had happened, keeping it from our friends for the time being. Later in the night, we all decided to sleep over Sam's house, and I found Kristy in Sam's bedroom with the lights off. I asked her how she was doing and she said she didn't really want to talk about it. She had a headache. Apparently, she had found Sam downstairs fooling around with her best friend. We sat there, talking for a few minutes, and I said, "You're not over Sam, are you?" and she said, "No, I'm really not." What I did next was pretty dumb. I think I said something like, "Look, I understand this is difficult for you, but if you still have feelings for Sam, this thing with you and me isn't going to work out." Luckily, she didn't freak out at me saying that. I basically gave an ultimatum to someone who had been nothing more than a good friend 24 hours before that.

I wasn't really sure where we stood after that, and I'm still not certain, but I think I have a better idea. I've been talking to her online every night for the past week, just chatting about Barack Obama, world events, our friends and everything else. Still, I think I talked to Kristy more this week than I have in the past 6 or 7 years of being her friend. We'd never really had discussions like that before. She left for Peru on Friday, but we both said that it had been really nice talking to each other all week. And she called me to talk on Friday night during her layover in Miami.

Anyway, I guess I have a million questions right now. Was it bad for me to start getting involved with Kristy? I wasn't sure what I could say after she kissed me. It was very unexpected. I had thought about what it would be like to date her, and I thought we might make a cute couple. She's somewhat attractive, not mind-blowing, but I still find her attractive. I guess I could have tried to reject the kiss and told her that I'm not interested, or something like that, but that would probably hurt her feelings a lot. And I was starting to think that maybe I was being too picky. Like, ok, I wasn't head-over-heels crazy about this girl, but I didn't feel that way about anyone, in the whole world. She kissed me and I just went with it. I just thought yeah, why not?

How about her feelings for Sam? How am I going to know when she's over him? Is this a mistake, because I'm still good friends with Sam and we're going to be around him all the time? And aside from how she feels, I guess I also need to think about how he feels. I mean, he broke it off with her, and she was always more into their relationship than he ever was. For most of my friends, I really wouldn't think of dating one of their exes. I just thought maybe he wouldn't really care about me dating Kristy because I think he's been trying to move on for a while, and I think he's dated some of our other friends' exes in the past.

Should I not even be involved with anyone at all right now? I mean, our relationship hasn't started or anything because we're apart right now. Financially, I don't really have the money to support a girlfriend, but I'll worry about that when it actually gets to the point where we start dating. Based on what happened between us, do you guys think she's definitely going to want to date me when we go home in the summer? I wasn't totally clear on where we stand with certain things. Like, for example, I wasn't sure at first whether or not it was ok for me to sleep with other girls this semester. I mean, officially I'm still single. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that hooking up with girls here at college would just hurt my chances of getting together with Kristy in the summer. And I would be upset if I found out that she slept with a guy in Peru or something, so I have to imagine that she would be upset with me, too. I was thinking about it tonight, after the way we've connected in the past week and what we've started to establish, if I did try to hook up with a girl here at school, I think it would feel like I was cheating on Kristy, even though we're not officially dating. I guess even when you're single, people can still expect things of you and can still be disappointed in you when you do the wrong thing.

Alright, so that's enough rambling for me. Man, I'm really sorry I wrote so much. I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to always read my posts and provide some thoughtful responses/advice. Some of the things I say on here, I really feel like I can't talk to anyone else about some of it. I think my parents get tired of me analyzing every tiny detail of my life, and I'm usually just not sure that I want to bring it up with my friends. Thanks again everyone.
Re: Human Doormat
Jan 25, 2009
As far as the attraction thing goes, my feelings about her are just kind of so-so. But she was the one who kissed me, and I just decided to go with it. I didn't want to shoot her down just because she's not "super-hot", because I'm afraid that I've been way too picky lately, anyway. She's ok looking.

And you know what else I realized? My last girlfriend (I hate to bring her up again, but I must) was no super model. She was pretty, I guess, but there was nothing incredible about the way she looked. However, we hooked up one night and started dating shortly after that, and I was kind of swept away in this relationship that developed very quickly. Here was a girl who liked me, who thought I was cool and cute and funny and nice, and I had honestly never considered dating her before we hooked up. I barely knew her. What did I do? I decided to stop being fussy and I just went with it. I committed myself to her, and we quickly fell in love with each other.

Within a short period of time, I realized that she could act very sexy, and she was my girlfriend so I was very excited to be with her. Even though there were tons of girls around who may have been "hotter" than she was, I barely noticed any of them because I cared so deeply for my girlfriend. I'm not sure how it happened, but just being with her, I started to appreciate how incredibly beautiful she was, and how sexy she was at times, and she really turned me on more than I could even believe. There was a period where we literally couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

So when I say that I'm not totally blown away by this new girl I'm involved with, I still think that if we dated, it would get to the point where all I could see was her. No other girls would even exist for me but her, and I would see how beautiful she could really be. I don't know if that has ever happened to anyone else, and who knows, maybe it won't happen the same way with this new girl, but I think that it will. You see average-looking girls with boyfriends all the time, and that's because those guys really do think that their girlfriends are beautiful. It's something that just happens after a time, I think. You spend enough time with someone, and start to really care for them, and you stop seeing the flaws. Or rather, maybe you learn to appreciate the imperfections for what they are and for how they contribute to making your girl perfect for you.

You're right, too, that you can have a great time if you just go out with your friends to have fun. I'd been doing that the last few weeks while I was home, and I was having a good time. I got to be myself and catch up with some old buddies. But I'd still go home at night wishing I had a new romantic interest in my life. The worst thing was, there was a period of about two weeks where I was just home, trying to have fun hanging out with my friends, no crushes or anything and not thinking about girls. I dreamt about my ex-girlfriend pretty much every night for those two weeks. I couldn't understand why. I hadn't seen her in months, and I hadn't been thinking about her, but she kept popping up in my dreams, usually with her new boyfriend. It sucked. I woke up feeling bummed out every morning. Once or twice, I had dreams where she wanted to take me back, or I wanted to take her back. After those dreams, I woke up feeling sad and at the same time, mad at myself.
Re: Human Doormat
Jan 25, 2009
It seems things have gotten a little bit off topic in this thread. My fault, I'm sorry.

Going back to what you were saying, I'll try to just go out and have fun with my friends. Problem is, I'm back at college now and I've got a ton of work to do this semester. I'm in my fifth year, so most of my friends graduated already. I still have like one or two guys I can go out with, but most nights and weekends I'm probably going to have to really focus on my schoolwork.

As for my involvement with this new girl, I'm not sure what I should do about it. I mean, I've kind of led her to believe that I like her and I'm interested in her, and I am. But maybe it's a bad idea. Maybe I'm not ready. And maybe she's not right for me. I mean, it's a little bit complicated and I've noticed some red flags. But I feel like she's going to hate me if I try to back out now. She's one of my good friends, and I'm still going to see a lot of her. If I change my mind and decide that I'm not interested in her anymore, she's going to think I was just leading her on and messing with her. She'll get pissed about that, and I think my other friends might even get annoyed with me for doing that.

I don't know, what do you think I should do?
Re: Human Doormat
Jan 30, 2009
[QUOTE=plaxmax34;3867750]Hey guys, I know you're probably a little sick of hearing from me. I know I've posted a lot this past week or so. I just wanted to get a little feedback on some stuff that I was thinking about tonight, if I could.

So, after discussing some things on here and with some close friends earlier in the week, I realized that I'm just not in the right place to have a girlfriend right now. Just, the way I am right now, the point I'm at in my life and the way I feel, I really shouldn't be with anyone.

Tonight was the first night I've really gone out to the bar with my friends this semester. And to be totally honest, looking around at some of the girls that were there, I wasn't sure how I should feel. There were at least five or six that I considered fairly attractive. If you know me, then you know that I'm not into one night stands, so anything like that was completely out of the question. Not that it's even a good idea for me right now, considering my emotional state.

Previously, my thought process would have been like, "Oh wow, she's really pretty, I should go talk to her." And then I chicken out, keep talking to my friends, and wonder what could have been. But tonight, I didn't even get to that point, because I can't get into a relationship right now. I have to ignore relationships, and therefore, I have to ignore girls altogether.

Ok, now obviously there was like a little siren going off in my head that told me that that was a bad way to look at things. I knew there was something wrong with that line of thinking. But consider this, if you will. I'm about four months away from graduating, and after that, I doubt I'll ever see any of these girls again. To make sure I graduate, I really need to focus almost 100% of my energy into my schoolwork right now. And I'm afraid that even if I do work up the courage to introduce myself to someone new, just to make a new friend, that person is drinking so she might not even remember me in the morning. And some of these kids, I've never even seen them outside of the bar. What kind of friendship could I possibly build if the bar is our only common ground? I don't even go there that often.

I'm sorry if this post is like, stupid, or if you don't really know what to tell me. It's just that, this is kind of new for me. I'm trying to change the way I look at things, and at the way I look at other people, but I'm not sure how I should feel right now.[/QUOTE]
You are over thinking the situation. Yes, you shouldn't date anyone for a while, cos' you seem to depend too much on your partner, but the way you're approaching the situation is only going to make you to want to date someone even more. Just chill out, focus on your school, your friends, hell have a one night stand if you can find the girl for that. People go on for years without dating anyone, I'm sure you can do it for few months at least!!!





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