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Re: Human Doormat
Jan 25, 2009
I don't mean to ramble here, especially since it's 6:00 AM right now and I need to get to sleep, but I figure I should give you guys some specifics about the crushes I'd gone through over the past month or so, and I'll tell you about this situation I recently got myself into, which I've been needing advice on for a little while.

When I first got home for Winter Break, shortly after Christmas, I started thinking a lot about a girl friend of mine. We'll call her Kelly for now. I met her in college, she liked me way back when, and a mutual friend tried to set us up, but I wasn't really into her that much. Then I wondered if I was being too picky and I decided to give it a shot, only to find out she had started dating another guy a few days before that. Kelly graduated last year, but she lives close to my hometown. She's single now, and I think she's still interested in me. I decided to maybe pursue things with her. We were going to a New Year's party together, and I thought maybe I could try kissing her or something. The day of New Year's Eve, I realized that I'd been getting all excited picturing what it would be like to date her. Then I realized something even worse: my feelings for her were lukewarm, at best, and I was already looking forward to when the relationship would end. Ridiculous of me, I know. I absolutely had no desire to sleep with her, didn't really feel attracted to her, and I was actually afraid that I would wind up stuck in a long-term relationship with her. Realizing these things, I kind of had a breakdown that day and I decided it was a bad idea. Unless my feelings about her changed, I realized things were just not going to work out.

Next, I started getting a crush on another girl, who we will call Cathy. I had known Cathy since high school. She had dated one of my friends for as long as anyone could remember. They broke up over the summer, and I noticed that Cathy seemed to be paying a lot of attention to me all of a sudden. I consulted some friends on this, and they told me not to read too much into it, she was really confused and "all over the place right now", as they put it. Still, I thought of taking her out to lunch one day and seeing if anything started to develop between us. I didn't go because my mom asked for my help making dinner that night. It was a lucky break for me because I later found out she really was very mixed up; she made out with two guys on two different nights later in the week, and she and her ex-boyfriend (my friend) had been having sex with each other while they were both home, even though my friend has a new girlfriend now. Needless to say, I think much less of my friend for cheating on his new girlfriend with his old girlfriend, and I'm just grateful I didn't get mixed up in that whole mess. Even if things had gone well, Cathy just got a job down in New Orleans. And it would have been strange to date her because she and my friend had dated for so long, and it seems they clearly still have feelings for one another.

So there I was last weekend, preparing to come back to college and stay single for a while longer. I would need to make some attempts to meet new women; my best friend back home is in worse shape than I am. His self-esteem is in the basement right now, he's in the worst physical shape of his life, and he has absolutely no clue how to meet women. He's miserable right now. Seeing some of my own behavior and beliefs reflected through him, I knew that he needed to change a lot more than his appearance and his approach to dating, but I didn't really feel like I was in the position to talk with him about most of that stuff. I wanted to give him some pointers and help him out a little bit, just to build his confidence even the tiniest bit. The problem is, I tend to have pretty low self-esteem myself, and I have lots of trouble myself when it comes to meeting women. I just thought that if I got better at it, I could help him out and show him that it's not that hard.

Anyway, where was I going with that? Oh yes, I thought I would come back to school single. However, last weekend, at the end of a night with my friends, another one of my girl friends came over as I was leaving and kissed me. I'm going to call her Kristy for now. I've also known Kristy since high school. She dated one of my friends on and off throughout college. I'm going to refer to him as Sam. I'm not sure when they broke up, but I thought he was ancient history. Apparently, it happened more recently than I realized, but I still don't know exactly when was the last time they were together.

During a party at Sam's house the next night, we had a talk about what had happened the night before, and we both agreed that it was kind of bad timing for us: I was about to go back to college, 8 hours away, and she was about to start a five-month teaching program in Peru. But I told Kristy that I would be back in May, and if she was still single, I would be interested in spending some more time with her and seeing what develops. She agreed that she thought that would be nice. Then we made out for about 20 minutes. Then we rejoined the party and tried to pretend nothing had happened, keeping it from our friends for the time being. Later in the night, we all decided to sleep over Sam's house, and I found Kristy in Sam's bedroom with the lights off. I asked her how she was doing and she said she didn't really want to talk about it. She had a headache. Apparently, she had found Sam downstairs fooling around with her best friend. We sat there, talking for a few minutes, and I said, "You're not over Sam, are you?" and she said, "No, I'm really not." What I did next was pretty dumb. I think I said something like, "Look, I understand this is difficult for you, but if you still have feelings for Sam, this thing with you and me isn't going to work out." Luckily, she didn't freak out at me saying that. I basically gave an ultimatum to someone who had been nothing more than a good friend 24 hours before that.

I wasn't really sure where we stood after that, and I'm still not certain, but I think I have a better idea. I've been talking to her online every night for the past week, just chatting about Barack Obama, world events, our friends and everything else. Still, I think I talked to Kristy more this week than I have in the past 6 or 7 years of being her friend. We'd never really had discussions like that before. She left for Peru on Friday, but we both said that it had been really nice talking to each other all week. And she called me to talk on Friday night during her layover in Miami.

Anyway, I guess I have a million questions right now. Was it bad for me to start getting involved with Kristy? I wasn't sure what I could say after she kissed me. It was very unexpected. I had thought about what it would be like to date her, and I thought we might make a cute couple. She's somewhat attractive, not mind-blowing, but I still find her attractive. I guess I could have tried to reject the kiss and told her that I'm not interested, or something like that, but that would probably hurt her feelings a lot. And I was starting to think that maybe I was being too picky. Like, ok, I wasn't head-over-heels crazy about this girl, but I didn't feel that way about anyone, in the whole world. She kissed me and I just went with it. I just thought yeah, why not?

How about her feelings for Sam? How am I going to know when she's over him? Is this a mistake, because I'm still good friends with Sam and we're going to be around him all the time? And aside from how she feels, I guess I also need to think about how he feels. I mean, he broke it off with her, and she was always more into their relationship than he ever was. For most of my friends, I really wouldn't think of dating one of their exes. I just thought maybe he wouldn't really care about me dating Kristy because I think he's been trying to move on for a while, and I think he's dated some of our other friends' exes in the past.

Should I not even be involved with anyone at all right now? I mean, our relationship hasn't started or anything because we're apart right now. Financially, I don't really have the money to support a girlfriend, but I'll worry about that when it actually gets to the point where we start dating. Based on what happened between us, do you guys think she's definitely going to want to date me when we go home in the summer? I wasn't totally clear on where we stand with certain things. Like, for example, I wasn't sure at first whether or not it was ok for me to sleep with other girls this semester. I mean, officially I'm still single. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that hooking up with girls here at college would just hurt my chances of getting together with Kristy in the summer. And I would be upset if I found out that she slept with a guy in Peru or something, so I have to imagine that she would be upset with me, too. I was thinking about it tonight, after the way we've connected in the past week and what we've started to establish, if I did try to hook up with a girl here at school, I think it would feel like I was cheating on Kristy, even though we're not officially dating. I guess even when you're single, people can still expect things of you and can still be disappointed in you when you do the wrong thing.

Alright, so that's enough rambling for me. Man, I'm really sorry I wrote so much. I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to always read my posts and provide some thoughtful responses/advice. Some of the things I say on here, I really feel like I can't talk to anyone else about some of it. I think my parents get tired of me analyzing every tiny detail of my life, and I'm usually just not sure that I want to bring it up with my friends. Thanks again everyone.

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