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I'm posting my story because I need some place to put this pain.
I'm 21 years old, 22 in April. I first started dating my boyfriend when I was 16 years old. We met while working together at a supermarket, also my first job. I am finding it ironic that I had a crush on several different boys that summer, he was just the first to return the affections. In short our relationship was a giddy whirl-wind romance of spending almost every day together, etc, ect, and I am sure that we had problems right from the start but were involved with each other to notice. Within a few months we thought we were destined to get married, have babies etc. When we had problems we never talked about them, I was always moody and selfish, he, never having a girlfriend before, took it all in for almost 3 years until he had fallen back into depression and couldn't take it anymore. He broke up with me, on my birthday in fact. I was devastated, i didn't eat for about 5 days. In a week a convinced him to take me back, in the event that i make a lot of changes in a month (a red flag was far to upset to see). Being back together made me feel better, but it still wasn't feeling right. A month and a half later he broke up with me again. Again, I was horribly upset. I couldn't get him out of my heart or my mind. 3 months later we were back together. Again, I felt better, but things still weren't right. About 5 months later he broke up with me again. I was hurt and frustrated, and still couldn't get him out of my head. On top of all this I had a loan out for him under my name when he ran into some financial issues (A HUGE MISTAKE, and i knew this as soon as a did it) Fortunately, he is a good guy, and has always made the payments, though this often meant seeing him in person once a month for the money. Also, at some point during one of these break ups we started sleeping together. It only happened a few times, and once it started to hurt me emotionally, we ended it. During this break up I dated a guy for about a month, we only went out a few times and i ended up sleeping with him a) thinking I would create more feelings for him and b) to help myself get over my ex (that word seems so harsh). 8 months later, right before i was about to go off to my final two years of college, we got back together. It was a hard decision to make, i was scared to put myself through it again, but he made the idea awfully convincing and i was still in love with him. After and year and a half of college, in which I had to do most of the driving home for us to see each other we just recently broke up again, and today, i realize it's for good. I wish that I had realized this right before we got back together. I said no originally, and I should have kept my foot down, but i started to hurt worse again so I accepted him back into my life.
During the in betweens of all the breakups we never really fought but we hurt each others feeling alot and never really talked openly to one another about anything. He even just recently told me that I was the first woman he ever trusted (his mother is an alcoholic) and he still wasn't able to give himself to me completely. That hurts a lot, not only because he never felt, even after 5.5 years that he could, but also, because I'm sadly selfish, even though it will be good for him, that he'll find someone that he will be able to completely give himself to.
I should have realized that even after a year of us being back together, that I always had mixed feelings towards him. Not only this, but for awhile many times after having sex, I would cry. I am still yet to figure out why. That's one of the things that hurts a lot, is that we had a good sexual relationship, and it's really, really hard for me to think about sleeping with another man. However, it had been awhile since our intimacy had been truly romantic. I think maybe we had just begun perfecting "good sex." Being with him was always really comfortable for me, which is why i thought it felt so right. I thought it meant we were really meant to be together, and instead i think it was just because i'd spent so much time with him over the years. In fact (another red flag alert) it wasn't until i thought i might lose him again that i suddenly fell madly in love with him all over again. I myself and very confused as to what this means, and really wish I could get back to the place where I was unsure of my feelings.
It was today where we were having a conversation via email (probably another red flag that most of our conversations occurred over the internet) and he expressed to me that he really was hurting, that everything reminded him of me, that even certain music made him feel like crying. He even said that he thought we were going to work things out and then not long after i said that i thought i was best that we should break up. (i said this because i had no idea that he thought we were working things out, and thought my only other option was to wait to get dumped) I thought maybe I had a chance so I poured my heart out to him, and after he still put his foot down on the fact that we shouldn't be together, that it won't work, and that everyone he knows thinks we shouldn't be together, I realized it was really time to move on. We do both love each other, but maybe not in the right ways, or maybe love just isn't enough. During this time he's also been suffering through a bout of depression, which he has probably had for years.
Also, just last week I was diagnosed with depression that i've probably had for the majority of my life (at least 17 years). It really hurts me to think that many of our issues may have been caused simply because we were both depressed. I thought maybe, after some time, after we both got help we might be able to work it out, but i don't really think that's the case anymore.
I need a lot of time to myself. I think my depression has really held me back from growing within myself. I have too much work to do on myself before I ever think about getting into another relationship. And yes, I do know I will love again, and it will probably be an even better relationship then I have had all these years, but even knowing that, why is it still so hard to see?
I know I'm young still, but after having to take time for myself, I'm scared I'm not going to be able to have a future as I have pictured it for so long. That to is hard, I pictured my future with him for so long, that now i don't know what to picture. I don't really even know what I want. My future with him was the only thing I thought that I was sure of. Obviously, life goes on without him, it always does, but when will he get out of my head so that i can be happy enjoying my life for what it is? ...Hopefully, on some level the medication I'm on will help this a little bit, with some of the self happiness that is.
As far as moving on from this intense life-changing relationship; i don't know how. :(

Sorry for such a long post. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment just for getting it out, so thank you, if you've read it through.

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